Dating clarity (my weird thoughts)

O might eventually just make a place for all my random realizations. I notice Ill.dive really deep into dark thoughts and then randomly find major realizations in life. Dating has been bothering me all year and today I think I had a light bulb moment. (Cringe alert) I honestly always wanted a hot girlfriend I'm not gonna lie to you lol, in fact I had one before and I totally ignored how toxic and abusive she was because I wanted to be the guy with a hot girlfriend. I always wanted to be able to easily date attractive women and even when I'm at a point of being able to, it's like I hate it. I think I just wanted to be known as someone who could so that I can be accepted in society as wild as that sounds. It's weird and it's probably my environment but where I'm at if you can't get girls people literally hate you. Like they'll legit try to bully you even in the workplace. It's really weird and toxic. If you don't make it clear that you don't have a hard time with women people just treat you like crap. I think that's something that led me to care about this garbage. Today I kinda just realized I'm not interested. I don't actually want a hot girlfriend I don't care what people think, never did actually, I used to want to be accepted but I'm such an outcast why bother. I realized when comes to dating I want a wife and I think I always have. A wife and a family is all I want. And I think I need to give myself permission to own that. It's really lame.that I let people pressure me into being so superficial. But I'm happy that I'm admitting this to myself. I think that I need to meet more as platonic friends so that I can meet someone who has the personality that will uplift me in life, that's the woman I'll marry. And I need to be stronger and more capable so that I can support a family and give them a good life. I've been thinking about dating wrong this whole time.