I feel like I’m left out by the only two friends I have

I know it is kinda weird to talk about something so private, but I can’t talk about it to my surroundings cause they all know them (the friend) and I feel like it’s toxic from both sides or maybe just in the problem…

So I have two close friends from different school and they never meet in really life and just know each other’s name. The first one I’m talking about is C and the other one is J

Last year, I met C and when I learned that they were a fan of the same music band as I am, I was so happy and we became friend really quickly. Even though it hasn't even been 4 months, I feel like this person and I were really connected. You have to know that them and I are really emotionally sensitive, so it was really easy to understand each other (but the difference is that C is diagnosed with depression). But even last year, I could feel something weird.. C was the type of person that calls someone even if it’s not important. But the problem is that I am the type of person that don’t like to make calls. But they wanted to call me every night so we could chat, but I felt like I didn’t want to… I’m that person that like to be in its own bubble when they’re home. But I knew it was because they need it, I had to do that, so every nights I forced myself and I could even tell that I sometimes really had fun ! But I always had that little voice in my head that told me that it was kind of weird. I also did that because at that time, I already knew that they were sick and also because they were leaving for 1 year to live in the U.S. I know it is bad, but Sometime I was too tired, so I lied to them that I couldn’t call them for X reasons. Also, other than me, they were really close to someone else (I’ll call them M), but I could feel like a special connection between us that C and M didn’t had. 

At the end of the year, I was so stressed because i had to work to pass the big exam of the year that kinda defines my future (this exams periods are twice a years), so I “ghosted” C for at least 1 day and then the day after I always replied to them. I did that because I was so overwhelmed, I’m a really emotional person that stressed and feels the stress from everything so I felt like I didn’t wanted to talk to anyone and just work, eat, sleep, work, work, watch my phone. I just wanted to be alone, I didn’t wanted to listen messages (C always sent me a tone of long voice message on ***). But they really took it badly, they called me, they spammed me messages, and cried during voice messages. So I always felt bad. It happened twice in not even a year. Since then, I always tried to answer C the most quickly as possible and answer their call every night

Before they leave for the U.S they hugged me and said “you’ll be the one that I’ll be missing more”. I believed it.

Nowadays, I’m currently in my last year of high school. In my class I don’t have any friend and all my other friends are in other classes. So I really feel lonely sometime, but I sometime feel satisfied to be alone because I can work and study. I didn’t knew I could feel that and feel good when I’m alone. (In the past I never had a year of loneliness, I always had been surrounded by people.)

2 months ago, I started to feel that C didn’t really send me “real” message. As if they were just bored of the conversation. One day they didn’t reply to my messages for 2 days. But it was weird because I was seeing the stories that C posting about their life in the U.S. with their friends and etc... but I was still worried and thought like “maybe they aren’t doing well and they just hide it!”. So I ask to the other person that they were close to (M) and they said to me “that weird, because they still send me message, we even do video call !”. So I was literally out of my mind, they ghosted me ! They did the same thing to me as I did to them even though I was trying with my heart to reply their long text and vocal messages, etc because I didn’t wanted to make the same mistake, because o knew it was bad... Then I just feel like a garbage for them, so I sent to them “I hate you, you ghost me”. And then suddenly they answered me at the second. They said to me “i just felt like you weren’t interested in what I talk to you so I just didn’t wanted to bother you”. I was hurted (and I still kinda am), I fell like they considered me as someone who is self-centres and doesn’t care about others, while I’m always trying to make them feel good… i didn't understood why they thought I didn't care… But after that, We've somehow reconciled. 

But since since two week, their messages start to come loose again… the conversation take a lot of time and isn’t smooth at all… And because of that, I didn’t told them that I’ll leave for one year to like in Japan… And they jokingly said they didn't take it well. But I think deep down they did took it bad...

And today I think that they hide me from their story in *** because I can’t see the stories that they posted today that I saw hours ago… moreover, C even left a group chat with C itself, me and a common friend we both have. So I added them to the group because maybe that was just a mistake. But it wasn’t, C left the group again.

For the other friend J , it isn’t as hurting as C, since they still talk to me, and laugh, etc… It’s just I want to talk about it because it’s still does It weighs on my heart…

I just feel like J doesn’t really like me as a “best friend” as they said I am to them. I feel like J just pretends it, like they can’t be honest with me… To give the context, I met J five years ago, but we became best friend 2 years ago. But they have another group of friend in art class ( I Am not in) and with this group, J often went go out with them, they are really close. I never felt jealous, because it’s completely normal to have other friends and not only a best friend.

But since 6-9 months ago, I noticed J hide me from their story in *** (I couldn’t see their highlights stories with my account, But when I compared with an other friend’s phone and account I could see they posted stories, and had highlights stories). And every time we saw each other, their stories highlights were back. And one day I saw why with an other account of mine that they forgot to also hide the account from their stories. I discovered they posted selfies of themself. Then I understood that they probably felt awkward that I could see these selfies… What I feel bad about is that they don’t talk to me, they don’t trust me and think that I’ll judge them for posting selfies, etc… Moreover, i saw in their repost in *** that there was a post that say “they say that they love me but don’t even know what’s my favorite color, passions, etc..” I really felt concerned…. I just feel like everyone sees me as a self-centered person….