Journal #1

I'm struggling. Out loud and in private. I'm both the most happy I've ever been and the most stressed. I love my life and the work I'm putting in right now is instrumental in that, but the stress of it all is making me physically ill. I've never felt such opposite emotions at the same time. I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel that is managing chronic anxiety, but getting through life stressors coupled with nursing school has slowed my progress and pulled my focus in a million different directions. I've finally lost all the weight I wanted to lose, but figuring out what to do to reach the cosmetic and physical ability goals I have now is confusing and discouraging. I have a good financial support system, but I've never been this financially dependent on others since I was a kid and it's driving me nuts. My mother is a kind woman who is my best friend and thankfully survived what almost killed her 4 years ago, but is so emotionally unstable recently that she's impossible to be around and will not seek help. My fiance is the kindest man I've ever met, but struggles with severe ADHD and relies on me a lot to help direct his energy towards building our life together. I'm doing extraordinarily well in school, but maintaining the household and keeping up with my own health goals while attending feels like choosing between a rock and a hard place. I'm thankful to finish out my last term not working on top of it all (the first 6 months i worked and it nearly killed me), but we're not rich and the financial strain is palpable. I find myself wanting to go back to work often, but knowing I'm only 2 months away and doing so well makes me hesitate to go through with it. On top of it all, I'm a recovering disordered eater who is also trying to reach specific physical goals; maintaining that thin line between an eating disorder and mindful eating is like walking a tightrope. I'm constantly debating food choices in my head. Wanting to watch calories and macros without withholding and punishing myself is a constant battle. Managing emotionally unstable family members while still finding my own balance in my life is excruciating. And yet, while all of that is true, I've never been happier. I love my relationship. I love the progress I've made. I love that I took the plunge and went to school for a career I've always wanted. I feel capable and strong, and not just physically. I still struggle with confidence and self esteem, but I notice the bad days a fewer and less rough. All that to say, life is pretty good and pretty awful and I finally feel ready to embrace that