Just a little space for someone who thinks too much
TW: Assault , emotional abuse. I don't know if I'll go into my past so hopefully I can edit this later but still feel I need to mention it just in case.
I am not sure why I am doing this. Even though it's anonymous it still terrifies me. I started one yesterday and deleted it before I posted. I write in my spare time all the time but this is way different.
I'll introduce myself first (without a name lol) I enjoy reading, writing, currently taking classes in my spare time. Which lately has been a lot of spare time. I might go into that into detail at some point. I also have animals, some special needs so I am always checking them.
I don't have much of a life, quite frankly. If there's anything that rings through to you or you would like to share feel free to. However if there's negativity then please save the message. We live in a world full of negativity and I would prefer this to be my safe place.
I don't know your story and I don't have to to know you're worth it. I wish that I knew that about myself many years ago when I could tell I had lost my way. I remember that day clearly. I was brushing my hair in my tiny bathroom and started looking at myself. I was taken aback by what I saw. It wasn't my physical appearance but it was that I didn't know myself anymore. I have medical issues and a pretty decent past of trauma. It was all just like a whirlwind and I set my brush down and really looked. Like stared myself down and literally muttered who are you?
I sat with that feeling for a long time. I focused on way too much of the wrong information I was telling myself. I wasn't good enough, I had no purpose. I lived in that darkness for a long time.
Then a bigger medical issue popped up.
That's when things changed. That's when I realized that I needed to change. I couldn't just keep going through the motions and expecting things to change without doing any work.
I decided I needed to be kinder to myself. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone (much like I'm doing here, I'm a work in progress) and decided to start telling myself why I was worthy every day. I hope you don't know what that feels like, but for me it was like pulling teeth. I literally had days where I'd think about it for hours with nothing. I would think about my positive traits and could only come up with two. But I couldn't cheat. So I sat there and googled my answer. It was like being an alien in my own body.
I may share some of the reasons I'm worthy here from time to time. If you're still reading this I will share my journey more again soon.
Thanks again for reading 😊
Day 2.. TW: Assault, emotional abuse, brief mention of self harm.
I don't know when things got easier on the self worth thing, but it took quite a while. I took small steps to be more kind to myself.
I'd tell myself something nice in the mirror or just straight up scold myself. You are better than this why can't you just love yourself ?
But honestly the issue wasn't surface deep. No issues really are, especially when looking at the bigger picture. There was a past there, I had come to terms with it but it's not the same.
I didn't feel worthy because I was assaulted as a child. Then as a teen. Then groomed as a teen. I had a mom that restricted me a lot and expected me to be her Cinderella. Even when I was doing everything to get her approval it wasn't good enough. I was never good enough. I had to live in the shadows of what others felt made me unworthy.
Then I was labeled as troubled because I didn't know emotions or how to do anything right in my teen years. I was living with one of my many abusers. I was doing self harm for a while. I finally was able to quit 15 years ago.
I don't know how someone is supposed to feel worthy or be worthy of themselves when it was never shown to them. I was struggling because I didn't know what being worthy was. A simple Google search wasn't going to change anything. I had to change everything.
The struggle is real but I think I'm getting better everyday. I am actually a really modest, shy person. I don't want to come off like I'm bloating. I am just being honest. I can't change my past, I can't change yesterday but I'm sure going to fight for today.
I have lived through ***. I should be finding meaning in my life. Because hating myself wasn't getting me anywhere.
The struggle can be real somedays. I think today was a prime example of that. I almost didn't write but after some real talks with myself I decided that I needed to write. Some days, like loving yourself you also have to pull teeth to write.
I don't have a ton today other than I had to be kind to myself and get over my self hate slip up. I realized that I'm human and it's okay to experience those uncomfortable feelings.
Time to keep on keeping on and remind myself that I have goals, aspirations and move on. Tomorrow is a new day.
I haven't written in a while, at least here.
I don't know if you've ever watched alone before, its a TV show about 10 people who get dropped off in remote locations with limited supplies and cameras, and they're truly alone with a phone they can call if they want to leave. The last one standing gets prize money. Its an extreme scenario to survival.
I definitely don't know what it's like to go live off the land, but something about the show resignated with me in some odd way. That extreme forms of survival don't just happen on a TV show.
It seems like for me personally (as I won't speak for anyone else) that I've gone through these times where there is beauty all around me, and a chance to thrive, but yet I am in survival mode and crippled from my past. I can see the end result but it's so far away I feel like even if I crawled I am only inching along.
Coming from someone who's literally handled blue herons and has had horses freak out and had to calm them.. it's sometimes not the physical things that hold me back. Its the emotional.
The being crippled by fear. Letting my past take too much control over the future. Its the fact that you can be all of these beautiful things that make you who you are but yet there's a darkness over your eyes that's clouding it.
I don't regret my past, I actually think it made me the person I am today. Every struggle, every kind thing I said in the mirror, every time I was too critical of myself, it all shaped me into the person I want to become.
Some days the finish line is feeling farther away then it should be. Sometimes I can't put my thoughts together in a way that makes sense, sometimes my previous struggles come back to haunt me. Then there's days where I reflect back and realize I'm still making steps in the right direction.
This probably makes zero sense to anyone reading my rambling. But at least I forced myself to journal. If you read this anyway, thank you.
