My first 7 Cups journal

Over the last six months my wife has experienced visual auras and headaches. She decided to get checked out. Blood test was clear, eye test was ok, but yesterday we got the results from her CT scan. They show an unusual build up of calcium on the meninges (the layer of stuff between her brain and the skull). She's been referred to a neurologist. We sat there in the doctors office in a state of shock and terror. The doc said that it's not a life threatening condition. Not cancer, not a tumour. But it is putting pressure on her brain, so its worth checking out.

This experience isn't about me, its about her. But for some context, I live with Generalised Anxiety, depression and health anxiety. Ironically, I work as a counsellor. This morning I phoned 10 neurologists to get an idea of wait times, and I've asked our doctor to send referrals to 5 of them.

The doctor told us that she is not dying. Our online research indicates that the condition is manageable if not also treatable. I just have a feeling of dread in my gut as if she's been given a death sentence.

My mind goes to "what if" scenarios like, what if the pressure on her brain caused a seizure, loss of speech, or stroke? We had a dog that had seizures and they were the most horrible thing I've ever witnessed. And at the time we had the dog, I was at one of the lowest points of my life, mentally.

I'm scared of going back to that dark place.

We're being proactive about seeing a professional. I guess it's that awful waiting period that is killing me. I can already see myself being extra protective of her, worried that she might break. The thing is, my wife has gotten through so many mental and physical challenges already, I know she's tough.

I'm just scared.