Rhys’s diary of literally random stuff

  I'm done. I'm just taking it today. I'm at school in period 6, and well I have the test period 7. In Sha Allah it goes well. I mean, Idk it'll be good hopefully. Realistically, If I can get at least a C, I can still have a B in Math as long as I don't dip to a D. I know, how good times are that I'm hoping for a C. That's how bad this all is but oh well. I'm not even gonna let myself hope for a B because I definitely don't know enough to get even a B and I'm for sure not getting an A. It's fine I just wanna get it over with at this point honestly. I'll just write bs and a bunch of crap. I'm just waiting for that doctors appointment on wednesday since I know their is something wrong with me. I was so tired that I couldn't even study for my math test. 
  Maybe I'm anemic or something idk. I mean like im pretty sure some of my cousins have anemia but eh idk. Whenever I take a blood test they just say that my vitamin D levels are low and give me the same two pills but idk I think its mroe then vit D now cuz of my stomach issuse are the reason why I'm so exhausted. Also I just got diagnosed with scalp psoarisis so apparently their is some link between skin inflamation and stomach inflamation or something. So its probs that honestly. 

  Okay I took my test. It was bad but at least its finally over. I have my doctors appointment on Wednesday and I hope the doctors take everything I say seriously though because genuinely like I can't keep living like this forever honestly. 

  I have my doctors appointment tomorrow and I've literally been rehearsing what I'm gonna say. The thing with the doctors in that hospital is that you really have to push to get anything done and it takes a lot of pushing. So we'll see but I know for a fact that all my symptoms definitely point to something. I mean it could be acidity, but literally yesterday, I ate like 3 strips of fried chicken and my stomach felt as if someone dumped a bucket of acid in it for the whole night. It's like I absolutely cannot tolerate anything oily or greasy. Almost as if It's a fat issue where my body just can't process it. It's hard to give up oily foods as well, cuz as an Indian, everything starts off with oily or spice. Oh yeah, can't tolerate spice and honestly, my spice tolerance is pretty high but the fact that I can't eat the spice because it makes my stomach burn is just painful honestly. 
  As for the test I took, well it was pretty bad. I know their are a few questions that I def got right at the top of my head but for these two other questions, I literally got like 5 digits and it was pretty bad so yeah. I know I got those wrong and realistically the highest Im getting is either a B or a C. I don't know cuz their was this weird volume question that I honestly couldn't understand though pretty sure I'll be getting a C with the amount of questions I got wrong. 
  I think stress triggers my stomach issues even more but yeah idk guess we're gonna find out tomororw. Which reminds me that I need to make a list of all my symptoms and triggers and write stuff down in detail. Mom thinks that they'll make me take an ultrasound or something maybe an xray to see whats going on with my internal organs and what not. I feel this soreness like above my belly button thats kinda amplified whenever I cough, but idk. Those multi vit pills that I take that my derm gave me in India, I feel like they make it worse but I really hope that they find something. I don't want them to just say that its some infection and just brush me off because this has been going on for like about a year and their is definitely something thats going on. Before even meeting the doctor, we usually go and see a nurse who takes like BP, Height, weight, etc; before and then we go and meet the doctor and the doctor can see all that on their screen I guess. 

  Oh also Im in Graphic Designs and we're having a potluck today since its like our last class or something of the semester so we're having a potluck and she's going through our final major right now. I mean I'm pretty confident about what I did honestly. I just don't wanna get too overconfident since well that would be bad lol. But yeah its mostly just timepass and waiting for this class to end which I mean theirs only like 15 minutes left. People are watching like movies and shows now, lol. 
  Yeah, anyways I realized something today on the bus. I watched this video about how some parents control what their girls wear from like a young age and get told to not wear certain things because they shouldn't "attract male attention" and parents do this when the child is young, before they understand topics like intimacy and those things, so often times they're just left confused and then these parents use islam and religion as their way of getting their daughters to listen. Except this isn't islam. Of course modesty is an important aspect but also niyyah is very importnat. Allah cares more about intention and what's in your heart. These girls end up having almost like a distorted image of islam and what Allah says and idk, I feel like that. Like I know my religion is the right one for me, and I do feel Allah's presence all the time, but idk, sometimes I just feel so far away because I don't know how to be close and remain close and let that feeling last. Some part of me feels like it was ruined for me, like I wasn't taught these things properly and now I'm suffering from it because I don't know right from wrong anymore. Like I mean I do, but idk it's confusing me like I don't know how to be close, and I don't knwo if I'm the one in the right. My mom says that she's the mother and that I have to listen, she even said that I can't journal becasue "im sinning" though idk, that just doesn't seem islamic to me. Like yeah I get respecting parents, but it's not a sin to journal. I mean the prophets have hadiths and people wrote everything down because we would learn from them and understand them and stuff. I don't know but its weird because I feel like I can feel him but at the same time It feels short and confusing. 

  Well about that graphic design major, so apparently I didn't add this black and white tint onto some image even though I know I did add it onto that image. I remember vividly putting it as greenish blue but the teacher said that if she doesn't see it, then she has to take points and that it'll affect my overall. It's not fair. It's just not fair like I know I put it and I know it was there, and you could even see the tint from the edges but for whatever reason it wasn't applied to the whole thing and that part was worth 10 points so I got a B on it. Which sure isn't a bad thing, but now my grade will go down from an A to a B overall and it's not fair because on every single minor and major before this I got an A. Every. Single. One. And just because of this one B, she's dropping my grade down to a B and it's sooo unfair. When I walked up to her, she literally went "I don't know what happened. You're usually such a good student" It made my mood even worse. Like why does she have to say it like that. I was so defeated, I just said that it was fine. I feel so done. 
  How much longer do I have to keep trying. I took a *** chem test, math test, and AP world test. I was confident about AP world because I genuinely understood stuff but I still somehow got a D on it. Idk and chem test was a C. I don't care much about chem, but I do about AP. I did work, and idk maybe I didn't try hard enough but how many times do I have to feel confident about something, even a little, only for it to just end up being worse then average? I mean, a D! seriously! Idk what to do. Maybe my motivation is just low, maybe I haven't tried hard enough, or maybe I'm just not like everyone else. I mean everyone in my class learns in a snap of a finger, and idk, my friend gets A's just like that, even if she studies one day before, and me, I study like at least 2 weeks in advance, every single day, and still manage to get D's. It doesn't feel fair at all. It's not. Why can't I just be like everyone else, and just be normal? 

  I got back home a few hours ago. I kinda just lay in bed doom scrolling on youtube. I'm gonna shower and then idk do homework, prep for my appointment tmrw, and I gotta make sure I sound as serious as possible. I'm still mad about my grade, but I'm just gonna choose to focus on this appointment for now because the sooner I can get this sorted out, the sooner I'll know how to adjust my schedule according to my needs and stuff.