Rhys’s diary of literally random stuff

I'm really happy that Islam almost obligates us to not lose hope. I think without having hope, even through my depression, I think I would've been spiraling. Islam tells us that we can't lose hope because we have god, we have Allah, and we have the teachings left behind of the prophet. I honestly do think that It's true that when you don't have the answer to something, that when you don't know something, you can always refer back to the Quran because it has all the answers. 

Im glad that I have that because I don't know what I would do without it. Islam pushed me, to make an effort, to change something in my life. It would've been very easy for me to sink in my depression, in my sadness, and wallow in my self-deprecating thoughts forever, but because Islam was there, it healed something very broken inside of me. It's like Allah way saying, "No, I hear you, I see you, and I understand you. I'm not going to let you break because of this". Thinking about it like that, thinking about that, it makes me feel an indescribable amount of happiness. Knowing that I'm lonely, that I don't have anyone hurts, but knowing that even in complete darkness, their is always a source of light provided, that Allah is there for me, and even in that darkness, he's still there to hear me, even when no one else is there. I love that aspect of islam so much 💛

Boundaries and Emotional responsibility 

  One of my biggest dreams in life is to become a psychologist. Either a clinical one or a child psychologist. I haven't fully decided on that, and my plan is to get into a top university. The thing is though, becoming a psychologist means so much to me because I never got that chance to have trusting adults in my life, to get that kind of professional help from anyone, so it would mean the world. 
  One of the reasons I use 7 cups so much, and started journaling entries like this, and even becoming a listener was because I want that hands on experience, the feeling of helping people, and most of all, I want to know what I'm gonna be getting into by talking to other people about things that are very sensitive to them, things that are really hurting them inside. I want that perspective, and in my friend group, I've always been the empathetic one, the one that's the designated "therapist". 
  One of the things I've learned is that I can't help every body. Its how they say that not every therapist is fit for every client, it also works the same here: Not every listener is fit for every member. I think I thought that I could help everyone--what I've come to realize is that I can't. Their are some people who don't have the emotional capacity in them at the place that they are in to build connection. I know that myself, because once when I felt all alone, I craved that deep connection to have with someone, but at the same time, I didn't have it in me to put in any effort to build that kind of connection with someone, and I feel like Islam supports that. A relationship cannot be one sided, and Islam encourages having that balance. Not self sacrifice at the cost of my well-being. 
  Building connection, like real deep connection requires a lot of effort, and it also takes effort to maintain that. Sometimes when people don't have the emotional capacity in them, building that connection feels really hard, but you cannot give everything up to try and build that connection with a person who isn't willing to put in any of that effort in. That's overgiving and at the end of the day, my mental health and overall well being is more important than that. It's important to choose yourself 💖

Where do I find home now? 

 I'm 15. I was born in America, I'm ethnically Indian, but I'm growing up in Saudi Arabia. When I explain that to people, they say, "Oh wow, that's a lot of diversity" and it really is. I honestly do love that I come from a diverse background. My school has 65+ nationalities, and many people from my school, just like me, identify from multiple cultures. I love meeting new people, seeing new places, and experiences different cultures. 
  Despite my love for my diverse background, internally, I've never really understood where "home" is. In school, we always had an assignment where we had to talk about where home was, but I've never really known where my "home" is. When I go to India, my relatives tell me that my accent is so American and that my skin is much paler, and how "white" it is. Which is weird that they say that to me, even though they also don't like me going outside much because they think that I'll get too dark and no one will want to marry me. When I go to America, I feel so much more Indian than my cousins because I'm the only one who fluently speaks urdu, and at the same time, my cousins can cook and they're so much better than I am, and It's like everyone notices that including my grandparents. At the same time, I know Saudi isn't my home, because after I move from here, everyone else is gonna move away from here, and once my parents retire, we'll move from here and then what will tie me back to this place? Everyone will leave for universitiy back to where ever their nationality is. 
  So I guess I've never had a place that I call my home. During my depression, my friend and my cousin they litearlly carried me, in fact, we carried each other. To me, home isn't a place. No, home is the people I'm with. My friend, my cousin, these are the people who've loved me, who've shown true and absolute care. When I think of home, I think of warmth, like being on a beach on a warm day, or sinking your toes into the sand at the beach, the color golden. Those people, even through my worst, gave me that warmth. I belong with them. 
  Knowing that Allah was always there--every step of the way, that shaped a home inside of me, having that space, where I quietly reflect, think deeply, debate internally, within myself, that's become my home. That's become a focal point, a center of healing within myself, that I've come to deeply appreciate about myself, regardless of how insane anyone else could ever think of that. 

✨Allah was there when I thought He wasn’t✨

  During the years where I was at the peak of my depression, I admit, I wasn't the best muslim. During 7th grade, I was at the absolute peak of my depression, I distracted myself with my friends, and would cry on many nights on the bathroom floor. My knees on the ground, sobbing hysterically, as to why my life was like this. Why it had to be me in so much pain. What did I do wrong? I would pray so religiously, and I hoped that the more I prayed, the more supplications I made, my problems would be over. I cried begging him to show me some sign that he was there, begging him to send someone in my life who could stand up for me, who would eventually be there for me. I think after 7th grade, more into end of 8th and all of 9th grade, I just stopped praying, or just prayed very little. I started wondering if Allah was really there, because my issues, they had never changed. I was still in the same house, getting told the same hurtful words every single day. 
  The change, where I realized that I needed to heal was when I was so emotionally numb, so numb that I couldn't even feel any of the hurtful words, was when I realized that I wasn't becoming strengthening inside, I was hardening. I was hardening so much that It was destroying the relationships in my life. When I look back and think, Allah was always there, even when I thought he wasn't. Me and my friend, I was so dependent on her, for my healing, for my comfort, for support, that I forgot that healing actually requires me to put in effort. I know that she never would've minded me fully trauma dumping on her, but at the same time, if she had never left, that summer after 9th grade, I never would've learned how to fully heal. Me and my cousin also distanced, that time in my depression, I felt as if I needed her the most, but I didn't know how to talk to her the way we once used to, and it scared me everyday that we were distancing. We were both going through a lot, and now that we're starting to get closer, I'm realizing that it was good that we distanced, because if I hadn't thought distanced from her, our relationship would've continued the same way where both of us are constantly emotionally exhausted. Our relationship has improved much more. The both of us haven't fully healed, but we're both emotionally mature enough to understand what true healing is like, and we have goals and motivations that keep us going. 
  All of these things, they are all signs from Allah. He was there the whole time for me. It's almost like he was behind me all the time, and during those nights when I cried, even when I cried in the bathroom, or late at night on my bed, I always felt this prescence almost comforting, while I just sobbed so much, so hysterically. I felt like their was someone holding me from behind while I cried, and I think this whole time, that was Allahs way of letting me know that he was there for me. My path on healing, It's been messy but real. 

  I like to think, to reflect, and to observe. Everyone says that I'm really quiet, and then gets shocked because I actually know a lot of things about them. I study people, their body language, their tone, and all of that and they get shocked that I can actually interpret that. It's not that I'm dumb, but I'm just quiet because I'm observing and pondering. 
  Even my own mother and father assume that I'm stupid at times. I think they do it less now because my grades are better then my older brothers I guess, but before when we were in Middle school, they always seemed to look down on me. Even now, I feel invisible in my own family. I go to say hello to my own damn uncle, and he completely ignnored me. LIKE WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO JUST TO GET A DAMN HELLO BACK. Yoou know it freaking pisses me off, because yes, I'm quiet, I have social anxiety, and talking to people scares the living *** out of me, but I still have feelings. I'm still human. 
  These people dont even remember my age on most days. They think that I'm 16 or 17 at times, because I'm apparently mature. I'm quiet, leave me the *** alone. 

  Well I got some work done. I did bad on my chemistry formative, and got a D. I'll have to get an A on the next test though. It's so much pressure though. I have to get an A in that class or else my overall grade will be stuck as a B. I don't know they because that One C that I have might pull my grade down but I need that A so freaking bad. I feel bad for getting that on teh last test. If I'd only gotten a B and just studied harder, damn I regret it. He always rounds the grades down, so chances are even if I get a A on this test, It'll probably still be a B. 
  I wanted that A so dang bad, its unfair. I hate this place so much sometimes. I want to get out of this place as soon as possible. It took me a long time to actually start healing, and that only happened when I was so numb and so far gone, that I realized that maybe I don't even love those people anymore, so why the freak should I start caring about what she says anyways? I'm so numb that I honestly don't think that I even love her. I don't know if thats bad or not but whatever. I don't have it in me to care. I don't even feel anything when I see her cry. I just say sorry, hug her, but their isn't a part of me that actually cares or even feels it sincerely. I don't think that I can. 

  I don't like it when my pain is invalidated by others because I've started healing. That doesn't mean that my path is any easier then anyone elses, it doesn't mean that my struggles just aren't as "important" or "deep enough" for another person to not care. That just because I had certain things to help me going, I am magically "better". Even with my religion, their were times where I had doubts, where for a second I stopped believing, where for a second, I questioned everything I had been taught. I don't think thats wrong, and I haven't fully made it through yet.
  Being depressed sucks, but taking the step to even try and heal, that takes courage. It takes a *** of a lot of courage, and I didn't take that leap until I had no one. I just sobbed because I just didn't have anyone. Honestly, I can't really think of anyone in my life that truly loves me, and the relationships I can think of, they're temporary. The moment I move off to university, I'll probably stop even seeing these people in like 3 years from now. 
  I still took that chance, and It's been rocky. I've deluded myself into believing that it'll be fine, but honestly, once I move out, I don't know if I'll actually get better like I always imagine to. I'm also hurting, a lot. I've always been good at covering it though. Even the days I self harmed, I still covered it up well. It freaking hurt to do that. Everyday I was hurting. Not one single person in my life gave a shiz if I was hurt or how I was doing. Their wasn't a single person who even asked. 
  Some of my "friends" I'll share them the most deepest stuff about me and they'll just nod and say nice and than move on. It's like no one in my so called group of friends is capable of thinking as deeply as me. Sometimes that's how I feel. They don't share those remarkable moments or whatever with me. My mom says that I can't be lonely, because I have her and all these other people, but I am. I'm so lonely and so freaking alone all the time. Not one single person. Not one single person. Not one single person. It hurts. 

  I've decided to take a temporary break from 7 cups, just as a listener. I'll still journal and whatnot, but I think I need a break. It's not necessarily that I feel overburdened or anything, but that I have so many exams and I'm already so stressed. I shouldn't have procrastinated all weekend, but yet again, I did. I hate that I suck at not procrastinating, I just keep doing it over and over again. It's honestly exhausting, but my mom and dad are convinced that I'm very hardworking so I do have to get those good grades. 
  I have an AP world history test on Thursday, Chemistry next week Sunday, and Math next week Monday. I don't feel confident for any of them. I don't understand this stupid unit in Math since its all about graphing polynomials or something and I suck at it. I'm scared for it though. And for chemistry since I don't know how to do electron configurations.