Rhys’s diary of literally random stuff
I just want a space where I can dump things completely random—just anything. The title means exactly what it sounds like and I’ll probably be posting writings, and maybe more personal stuff on here as well ❤️
I got home hours ago. One of my friends that moved, a different one, came to visit and because she's here for such short time, we went to the Movies with her. I'm so tired, and honestly, I just want thursday to come fast.
I got home and immediately took a shower. It's weird but while I was in their, I just realized how exhausted to my bones I am. I feel so tired, like my limbs, my arms, my hands, my back, and my stomach hurt so bad. I just want to sleep. Dont think I can study. Ill wake up extra early tomorrow to lock in for it I guess.
In the shower, I drowned myself in hot water. I turned it up so hot and just stood there. By the time I came out, my skin felt hot and clammy. icl it felt good though. It wasn't painful, but I do feel even more tired now.
Thought sleeping would help, but it’s 4 AM and my shoulders hurt so bad and so much unfinished work.
shower did kinda help I guess, but I have to go to school soon. I hate school. I hate this whole place. I just want it to end already
I stupidly woke up wishing they would cancel school but never mind. I have to drag my exhastedness to school now. Maybe a coffee will make me feel better. Idk probs not. So tired
Yeah the coffee did make me feel better, but now the stomach issues and the lactose intolerance is kicking in, and I got to go so bad. In the middle of class, and I can't go. Too embaressing to ask. Gonna have to wait 20 minutes till the next class.
I dont want to go to the last two classes of the day. They're the ones that I dread the most. English this year is so boring, at least Math might be lighter, but I don't know since I don't understand anything that we're doing. I just want to go home. I have to lock in for my test today after school. I also have to attend some club after school but I don't wnat to go to that. It's not fair because all of the clubs have ended so why do we still have a meeting today? It's so silly and so not gonna be worth it.
I'm starting to feel sick. My throat is sore, and idk I feel congested. This would be a horrible time to get sick, considering that I have two tests next week, both of which I am not prepared for. I think I'm done for honestly. I just want to give up on it. I really hate this school, I hate this place, *** I hate everything right now. The moment this week is over, maybe things'll be better but my dad wants to take us to India like the day break starts. It's not even the day after, its the day school ends at midnight I think will be our flight. Genuinely, I don't want to do it. I don't want to go to India right now. I don't want to deal with my moms side of the family. All they do is talk about how I have to get married one day and should start preparing for it by learning how to cook and some bs like that. It's all bs. I don't even listen to them at this point. It's my damn life. It's either that, or about how I don't smile enough. Like just because I'm straight faced doesn't mean that I'm "sad", like what's wrong with everyone? Can I not control my facial expressions? Who I need to be "happy" for? your reputation?
Though I have to study the whole break since I'm self studying AP enviromental so I'll just be doing that all day if I can stop procrastinating that is. I didn't even finish writing my thematic sentence and thesis or whatever for English so I'm gonna have to spend the whole of lunch finishing it. I hate this day. This morning I couldn't find my math book and I need it for Algebra today and I was scrambling to find it and I couldn't so I just left and than my mom yelled that she found it adn I had to run back home and go get it, and I almost ended up missing my bus.
My stomach also hurts today because of that stupid coffee, though it's probably the only thing that keeping me awake. I hate this school and I don't have any money to buy lunch right now which means that I'll be hungry till I go home and I'm not gonna be getting to go home till like at least 4:30 or soemthing because of that club and I'll be lucky if we don't get stuck in traffic today honestly.
I cant with this stupid assignment. I come up with a thesis and end up hating it. I still haven't moved on from a thesis. These days, English is becoming so boring because the whole time in English, all we've been doing is analytical writing. CERERs, with claim-Evidence-Reasoning-Evidence-Reasoning. It's soooooooo boring. I can't with this thesis. The thing is, In AP world when we're writing DBQs and whole essays on history, its honestly way more simplified because all we're doing is summarizing each document, we're given all the information, and we just need to quickly read through everything. It's genuinely easy as long as you have all the points written because they don't care.
I hate analytical writing in general. It doesn't feel deep enough and it doesn't touch the creative parts of my brain. I have to analyze Farenheit 451 by Rad Bradbury so much that I'm genuinely starting to hate the book. The book itself is great but I've overanalyzed it so much to that point where genuinely just typing the title of the books hurts my freaking soul. The symbols, each person, the warning, etc; The only thing I liked was the dystopia story we did. That was amazing and I know that I got an A on that because it was so good, but the other CERs are just not my thing. I prefer creative writing. That's why I've been entering writing competetions.
I want to be fully and completely financially indpendent when I leave for university, that's why I'm trying to do at least. So I mean, if I win a writing competion, then I get money and the more money I earn, the closer I am. At least thats what I think at least. All I need to do is get enough and well enough is a lot but if I get a scholarship to cover everything, or even just to cover half, I can still manage hopefully. Well I think I can.
I had my AP world test today in the morning today and it was on unit 3 and 4. Gunpowder empires and also Transoceanic connections on how Spain was trying to find a route and sent christopher columbus and then ended up finding the Americas or they called it the "New world" and how when the Europeans and them all arrived, half of the native americans, like almost about 90% of their population ended up dying out because the Europeans brought a ton of epidemics and stuff from Europe, introducing measles, small pox, and malaria. I feel like that's so cruel because from the historical accounts, the Europeans were aware of what they were doing, they knew that they were contagious to the Native americans, yet they still killed them like that, and painted themselves as heros because they would "help" native americans hunt while they were sick. It's so mean honestly, and the rest of them that did live, they were all basically conquered.
They did bring like a bunch of stuff though to the Americas, like they introduced horses to them and that became a huge part of the native american culture since it was way more effecient for hunting, etc; It's actually really interesting when you thinking about it, like these merchants would use their knowledge of the Indian Ocean trade networks, their understanding of Monsoon wind patterns, and would travel long distances over the ocean. The whole cross cultural exchanges and whatever came because these merchants would basically settle in one place for months before they could leave again, it's called a diaspora, and often times they would end up getting married to the women there so that's why their was a lot of syncretic blend.
I didn't understand much of the Trading posts and portugal. I know Portugal tried to control most of the Indian Ocean but they really couldn't because they didn't have much force and power, and they are pretty small. I think It's because the Mughal were too strong for them, so the only thing they got to do was set up trading posts all along the edges of India, like I think in Goa and Calicut. They basically couldn't travel by land because they knew that they would be taxed a lot by the Ottoman because at that time, the Ottoman were controlling all the land trade, so the only cheaper alternative was Sea travel.
So the whole entire unit was all about maritime empires and their effects and what they caused, etc; The test itself was a bit difficult though because it's so in depth, like it's not regular history. AP is college leveled course, so it's very in-depth and a little difficult because every single question looked as if it had two answers. I don't know exactly how I did but the test itself was a little harder then the practice questions I did. I didn't study hard enough I guess.
Well okay technically the Europeans didn't know much about how germs worked though I feel like they should've known that maybe their was a reason why all the native americans were suddendly dying out after they had arrived, and they weren't getting affected or getting sick at all.
I dont know why but I just got this sudden memory of this think that I used to feel all the time. My mom and dad, I felt like they favored my younger brother a lot, and I was 6 when he was born and as a kid, all I ever wanted to do was impress my parents, just make them proud of me. I was so young and small and my parents they never came to my school events. One time in 1st grade, everyones parents, mom and dad, came and I was the only kid whose parents didn't show up. I knew my mom had to take care of my younger brother but my dad could take off work. Every single time I asked, and usually their was an event at the end of the trimester, so I would ask my dad every night once a week before if he could make it, and every night he would say the same thing that he'd check his schedule. Every night I would build a little more hope in my heart that he was gonna show up, but he never did. A night before, he would say that he was busy and had a meeting. It was always that he had a meeting. Internally I knew but I didn't want to seem sad and make them upset. Heck I was only like 7 or 8 myself. They never ever showed up, and one time, I begged and begged and begged for my dad to come when I was in 3rd grade, and I remember my mom just telling him to go this once to calm me down, so he came. It was some silly play but I was so excited for it, and when he came, he sat in the audience somewhere in the third row, and the whole time he was sitting there during my little play with my classmates, he was on his phone. I remember wishing for him to look up, and I remember trying to speak louder to get his attention, innocently thinking that maybe I wasn't loud enough, but he never looked up. Ever.
Now that my younger brother is in 4th grade, all they do is talk about how we should be supportive and stuff, they show up to everything of his, they take all his photos, but they never did that for me, and It hurts thinking that I never got that. I never got to have those parents that were supportive. They say that it's all in my head, but I know that they're just gaslighting me, because I also know that they feel guilty. They know I'm right, but they can't face the reality of it. It's too much for them, and now my dad tries to take me to these "coffee and talk" stuff with him, and It's too late. The damage is already done. I'm 15, not really a "kid" anymore. I have enough understanding now. The damage is too much, and honestly, it really can't be repaired.
The worst part is, that little girl that was begging her parents to come, she was so hopeful, so happy, and just so so so optimistic. It hurts thinking about her. They shattered that little girl, tore her to freaking bits and pieces, and then said that it wasn't real, that it was all in her head, that everyone knew that she was a liar.
They used to like how talkative I was, how extroverted I was at that age, and now they ask me why I'm so quiet, why I think so much, why I want to be so "indpendent" and if I even have any love for them. What do you think honestly? That I love you and care for you. You raised me and shattered my soul in the process.
I'm procrastinating again. Story of my life now. I don't want to do my English work, but I have to. The teacher said that we have two classes to complete everything and I hate this silly analytical writing. I don't want to continue analyzing this book. So tired of it.
Pretty sure I'm going insane, like completely spiraling. The amount of stress on me almost gave me a panic attack. I think I was able to control it, but it was terrible. We were in public and I was trying hard to suppress how rapid my breathing sounded. My parents were in the car, and Idk. So much to do, so many exams, so much, and I'm not doing anything. I have Math, English, and Chemistry and I'm not okay.
I did the review thing in Math today and it was horrible like i genuinely didn't understand anything and got like a 45% on one of them because I couldn't understand. it's like an insane amount of factoring polynomials, which spoiler alert, I suck at for some reason. Also something about the end behavior of graphs but I don't understand anything because the tecacher didn't come to school the whole time we were learning all of this. It's so annoying and I don't like it. I've already asked him questions but I still don't understand when he explains them. He just expects me to understand and it's making me so stressed like I feel like im just falling apart.
It's like no matter how hard I try, how hard I work, I'm just never able to get what I want. I have bad test anxiety, but it's not even just tests, it's everything in my life. Everything feels suffocated, sitting in this English classroom feels suffocating, and I thought that she would let me sit outside today but because we're doing an assesment, we're not allowed to today and it's annoying. I feel like I can't breath. I feel like I'm going to have another panic attack, but I can't even ask to escape to the bathroom because I went to the bathroom last class and if I go now, she'll think that I'm gonna make a habit of it or something and English is one of my favorite classes. Just not when it's analytical writing. I can't sort my thoughts out. Everything is so jumbled right now and I hate everyone right now. I hate some of my friends.
She keeps coming and just taking my calculator because hers broke and I'm so done with her, not even just because she takes my calculator, but because everytime she seems me somewhat sad, she makes it a point to point it out, and I hate it. It's like it's become a joke that she's mad about how I'm just "sad". It's like they don't evne think about the fact that I might actually be sad and just think that it's a joke. She basically treats me like I'm a joke, only using me when she wants a calculator or wants emotional support. The moment I need help or want advice or need to talk about something, all they do is say "Oh, I hope things get better" and just leave it at that, but when they need something, they have whole conversations. Why should I be giving them anything anyways? They don't even freaking deserve it and I'm so fed up with this attitude that I'm constantly receiving. Their are only two girls that I'm friends that with at school that I consider to be very close with, but one of them is so non-confrontational and doesn't say anything even if someones bothering them, and just tells me to let it go whenever I'm hurt about soemthing.
I can't let it go. I can't. How can I let it go when I'm hurting? How can you just tell someone that's hurting to "just let it go". It's dismissive for me and I was almost shocked when she said that. It hurt even more honestly. The other friend said that it's messed up what they do. I've genuinely never met such people in my life who act as if they genuinely have zero emotional awareness, like you tell them to stop acting entitled, they stare blankly as if they didn't understand, completely ignore it and just continue with what they were saying from before. I can't believe them honestly because they suck so much but I'm scared to cut them off from my life. I don't know how to. Or how that would work. I don't want to be alone, like I mean, I am alone, but I can still say that I have people I guess, even though they don't really see me for me. I have my cousin and I have that one friend who agrees iwth me that it's messed up, and that's kinda it. It's still better than nothing though.
This one time though, these three girls, including the one that acts entitled to my calculator, were all outside after this club and they kept ignoring me evne though I was trying to talk to them, and they were all on their phones and I think they were texting each other, and I was midsentence and they all turned around and just walked away, and I called after their names and asked where they were going, and they just ignored me. It hurt so bad because why would they just leave? I understand if they don't want to take the bus and would prefer to go in the car together, and I understand if the car just didn't have enough space, and I would've been fine if they'd just communicated properly but they didn't communicate at all and It hurt. It makes me feel like a piece of crap. I can't help but notice that I'm the one that's constantly excluded. I mean like the whole year in 9th grade, I wasn't doing okay mentally and just kinda paused, and it was obvious, I mean I drifted from the group on multiple occassions and just walked alone, I spent lunch alone, and I did almost everything alone. All they did was make a joke out of it. None of them even bothered to ask me if I was okay, if their was something wrong, and the only person who even reached out was this one friend of mine that I said agreed with me that they're messed up.
At that time, I didn't really know why I was purposefully avoiding everyoen and honestly I still dont know.
I have to crunch in a ton of stuff over the weekend. For both Chemistry and Math and I have to complete late assignments and everything for English as well which is such a mess.
I can't wait for Monday--that's the end of my exams, and it'll feel so nice. I can finally get back online and not really worry. I probably still will, but I like to delude myself into thinking that I wont. I have to study for AP enviromental afterwards so ummm yeah 😭
Was busy and lazy all day. Didn't really get that much done, def not as much as I should have. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't fail my tests, its not really an option. It's stressful and genuinely, I don't know who to talk to because really I don't have anyone.
The girl who takes my calculator and acts entitled to it thinks that I'm "sad". I'm so irritated by her because it's like she's using me at this point. She even has the audacity to get annoyed when the calculator is low battery or something, like it's MY calculator.
I'm so tired of always giving everything to these people, and they never ever ever give me anything back. Do I not mean anything to them? Am I supposed to be some type of temporary placeholder for them?
