Rhys’s diary of literally random stuff

  I'm thinking of planning to do something with my little cousins. I only have two cousin sisters and they're both younger than me. I might as well do something with them and enjoy some time here since it is my winter break. I think I deserve a break from my exams and studying for whatever. It has officialy come to my attention that I can finally relax because who even is gonna force me to do stuff anyways 😂 I can basically do anything I want. I mean my options are kinda limited in India since I don't exactly have any of my friends here and the house is filled with people at all times, though I am able to snatch a few moments to myself from time to time. Besides, now I have time to watch all the shows I want and just do whatever. I've been watching starwars and Delhi crime. It's a strange combo but Delhi crime adds some realism in comparison to starwars anyways. 
  

  We've had a decent day I guess. First day technically in India and some relatives came over, we went to go visit some other ones, and yeah. We didn't go for very long but I always find that auntie and uncles house a little bit strange. It's like kinda dark in there and idk it seems so quiet in a very unsettling way. Anyways, I was supposed to study, but my Nani and Nanas house is so loud. All the little cousin brothers are here and they're all screaming, jumping on the bed, just going crazy, and it just sucks being the only girl here. My Dadi and Dadas house is across the street. Their houses are right in front of each other since my Dadi and Nana are siblings. My parents are first cousins basically which I guess is kinda normal for those times when my parents were getting married, though now, I gotta agree it's pretty weird lol. My Dada and my Nana both worked as civic engineers and my Dada also used to work in construction so they built each others houses which I think is kinda cool thing honestly. 
  The thing with Dadi and Dadas house is that their isn't anyone there. I mean my dad stays there when we come to India but I don't really like that house. The lighting in the house is weird. It's like this bright fluorescent white light and It gives hospital. I just think that it's quite depressing in my opinion and idk something about that house just makes me sad. I will still try to get two sections done before bed though of my text book. It's 11:07 though so I'll have to rush it and maybe I'll wake up early morning tomorrow and study I guess? I don't know really. I suppose I'll figure everything out tomorrow. Yeah studying definitely isn't happening. The thing with India though is that time seems to fly by really fast. Before I know it, it's time to sleep again. In Saudi, the day goes by so slowly, especially because Saudi has a very active night life and the day is just kinda sluggish and tiring. Over here, it's like it's always busy. I kinda like that for my studying. I wouldn't really wanna live here much I guess, at least not for the rest of my life. I wanna move back to the middle east one day. Maybe Qatar or the UAE. I kinda just wanna explore. Though, I don't think that I'd mind to live in India for like at least a year or something, just to see how it goes and whatnot. Idk where in India but I wanna live in a safe place. A place that feels stable, and Saudi is like that. I can go wherever I want, do whatever I want, and never have to worry about someone trying to hurt me, kidnap me, or do anything crazy or sexual to me. Isw even the men in saudi are so respectful, and most of the time, they'll just keep their eyes on the ground, even if the cashier is trying to give you ur change back. It makes me feel safe because not a single person there is gonna give me any weird looks or make kissy faces at me. 
  When I'm in India, their are always some dudes that are trying to be weird which I think is gross because they're grown men and I'm just 15, like why do you have to be such a pedo? It's so sick honestly. They even do it through the window when we're driving in the car and idk I just think it's nasty. This one guy once was making a heart shape towards me and giving me flying kisses in my direction and it was nasty. I was like 13 and he was just some random shirtless man. I'm surprised my mom didn't notice honestly or maybe she did but just chose not to say anything. I have no idea. 
  We've had a busy day. Dad took me to some kashmiri restaurant and they gave this amazing saffron and basmati rice, nihari, and ribs and it was so good. A little spicy but soooo worth it. Of course with my stomach issues, anything will set me off but icl it was really worth it. Afterwards we got lassi and they put rose water in the Lassi and my dad didn't like it, but I loved it. The strong taste of the rose was so good. I wanna go there again sometime. We have like 2 weeks in India, well a little bit more than that so I'm definitely gonna go at least a few more times. 
  I have two little cousin sisters. They're around 5 and 7 and I'm thinking of us all going to this cupcake store. It'll be cute and we can get one of those mini cupcakes and just eat there. That little bakery was like one of the highlights of my childhood. Way back in the good days when their was no stress. Though I suppose that I've always had a bit of a stress issue I guess. Apparently it runs in the family cuz I know my dad has it and I know that my grandparents have it as well. Idk it just runs in the family. No wonder people have heart problems and stuff in this family. Apparently acidity issues also run in the family so I suppose that honestly explains a lot. I think I should get a doctor to give a diagnoses just in case but the acidity in my stomach for no reason is honestly kinda weird and if acidity runs in the family, then I think that I probably have it to. My Nani and my Mamu have it, and I think my dad actually does as well since I'm pretty sure Dadi has it as well so that makes sense if I have it as well. 
  Well I gotta go anyways. I have to wake up early and study. At least that's what I'm planning to do. I have to lock in tomorrow since I wasted all of today lazing around and doing nothing anyways. 

  I didn't get anything done and I'm gonna start getting stuff done again. I really do need to be studying so it's pretty bad. I know that once I start, things might get easier. Their is some kind of method called the 5 minute method where if you sit for 5 minutes and just start then you'll kinda fall into the grind again, and if you still don't feel like studying then ur supposed to take a break and do something interactive, which I guess kind of makes sense. Though for me just sitting in a chair and starting is the hardest part, which I suppose is the point of the method but still. Nowadays, I'm just lazy and I know that I have a short amount of time, even then, I'm still not able to get myself to work. Everything kinda feels sluggish. 
  I'm trying to allow myself to just breathe because Idk I guess I hope that it'll work but it's really just eh. I know to many people I'm strange and I don't really mind *** if they think that. Peoples words only hurt me when it's someone I love and many people have hurt me. I mean if they are capable of saying something like that, something so bad and mean, then how could they have loved me in the first place? By saying that, they are intentionally hurting me. I'm an insecure person. Insecure about many things. I have a deep imagination. I googled it and its called narrative daydreaming. I have characters, I talk to them everyday, and they keep me awake. It's a coping mechanism, and everyone in my family makes fun of me, makes cruel jokes about me, but I can't help it. They are the only things that give me something. They give me some hope because they don't hurt me. To some people, thaty might seem great because I have something that somewhat keeps me going. Those peple don't know what it's like when the only thing that gives you some sanity is criticized bt people that are supposed to love me unconditionally. They don't know what it's like for me to live in my head. It's exhausting but i can't run away. 

I’m so tired. I don’t know what I’m gonna do or how I’m gonna get stuff done. I slept upstairs last night and I wish I could sleep there every night but my mom for some reason gets scared when we’re in India and I’m sleeping myself for some reason. I liked it though. It was private. That was last night though. Today hasn’t been great. I feel exhausted right now and I really just cannot with the load of work I have to do. I only have so many days left and I have to get all of it done. I shouldn’t have taken a super advanced class but idk I thought I could do it. And on top of that, I thought a break would help but it didn’t. I’m tired. I have been for some time but I know I have to push through. Well I don’t really have much of a choice. It’s tiring though. I want to escape. I want to escape my mind and run away but I can’t. The thoughts are everywhere. I can’t do anything and it feels suffocating.

  I gotta do stuff. I'll start at 3 PM. Bad at responding and talking to people. Sometimes I wish I was more extroverted and better at this whole conversing stuff, but I suck at it. Anyways, I'm tired and I wanna go home. I wanna go back to Saudi, and spent the rest of my winter break there. I just miss my bed. Idk why and its so silly but I feel like crying. Idek why and it feels so petty and weird. I just wanna go home ecause everything sucks. I can't do anything right. I can't do anything and I feel stressed, like I just can't do stuff or get anything done. I'm scared. I don't want to fall back into what happened in 8th and 9th grade. I can't. I'm scared because I can't go back to that. Everything hurted. Just thinking about it hurts. They hurt me and ridiculed me all the time. Their wasn't one single person that reached out and asked if I was okay. They all just gave me this look of pity. I don't want your pity. If ur witnessing some injustice happening, then why wont you help me. Why wont you SAY ANYTHING. They all just left me all alone but I'm still expected to be all so forgiving and whatever even though not one single person apologized. Nobody did. They just left me. I was a kid myself. What was I supposed to do? I was just a kid and that broke that girl. That innocent girl. They shattered her heart. 

I'm tired of walking on eggshells. 
I'm tired of trying to prove to her that I care. 
I'm tired of being put in this place where I have to dig, guess, endure, be hurt, and stay quiet just so that she can see me as "enough". 

I cared. I tried. I showed up. 
But me caring doesn't mean that I sacrifice my mental health or shrink myself into a person that YOU want me to be. 

I'm allowed to want friendship. 
I'm allowed to want reciprocity. 
I'm allowed to want something where I can feel safe as well. 
I'm allowed to break a relationship where I'm expected to uphold to your expectations, know everything about you, but be okay with the fact that you don't even care for me. 
I'm allowed to want to build a friendship that isn't only built on pain. 

Someone being depressed doesn't give them the right to hurt me. 
It doesn't give them the right to "test me"
It doesn't give them the right to make me feel unworthy. 
It doesn't give them the right to refuse communication but still expect understanding from me. 

I have no hate in my heart for her. 
I hope she gets better. 
I hope she finds what she's looking for. 
I hope she finds peace within herself. 

I'm choosing myself. 
I'm accepting that I can't be the place of healing for her. 
A person can only heal themselves. It's not something anyone can do for you. 

Letting go hurts. 
But staying would've hurt more. 

I can’t go to sleep. I’m tired. I’m getting a haircut tomorrow though so I’m kinda glad for that honestly. Though my scalp feels itchy lately, at least at the bottom. Idk maybe I have dandruff their or like a build up or smth. I need to get one of those like anti-dandruff shampoos and start putting oil in it. Cuz it hurts there and I hate it so much. I can’t stand it and idk how I did my bun today, but my scalp feels weird and right even after I let it stay open. I want something true and honest in my life. Today I was listening to a podcast though and it was so sweet. It talked about a verse in the Quran on how Allah says to not fear and to not grieve and that during times in our life, when a believer is sad, Allah sends angels down and they tell you not to fear and to grieve. He does it because he knows that you need it. It made me feel better. It made me feel hopeful.