Rhys’s diary of literally random stuff

I’ll type what happened with the guy later but basically I slept upstairs and it’s amazing! I actually got more work done up there then I have in this whole trip so I’m probs gonna continue doing that. I’m surprised it’s already the 29th cuz time flys by soooo fast and wow! And we’re leaving on the 7th I think so wow it’s insane. And sleeping upstairs was elite honestly. I mean I woke up late and it’s almost 3PM and still in my pjs but whatever. I woke up like 9:30 ish and went and studied a bit. I was tired but I got like two sections done so that’s a win. Lol I have to do like 3 of those sections and I only got 2 subsections but I’m confident that I can finish everything today. Well that is if I start studying. The max amount of time I can study for is really like 11 PM or 12 PM and idk if it’s enough to get both sections done. Idk it might take more time but we’ll see. I’m hoping it won’t but let’s see. I should’ve gotten everything done earlier but I didn’t do that’s my fault but I have to do it now, except I really don’t know how to do it at my dads house honestly and idk. I’ll try to get done as much as I can. Stacking some units should be fine I guess.

  I've decided I'll probs end up doing the stack stuff with the units. It's my fault for registering late but I can do this. I know I can. I just have to do some deep revision but I know it's possible. Even with AP world on my hands. Besides, I just gotta learn how to utilize my time well. This morning, I had a very productive study session honestly and I think I like studying in the mornings more. I used to like nights but now it's harder to stay awake at night since I sleep earlier so yeah. I think I'll sleep upstairs again and I've had this theory that someones turning my alarm off before I can wake up to it and I'm sure it is. It's cuz her kids are like super light sleepers and stuff so I guess it's fair. I need an alarm to wake up though since I'm a deep sleeper and cannot survive without an alarm anyways. It was wayyy more comfortable though and today I wasn't as stressed but tomorrow I need to lock in and complete everything. 
  

Not feeling great today. My stomach feels weird and idk it like keeps making these weird sounds so idk and my head hurts as well. All my cousins keep throwing up and I really don’t wanna get their stomach bug. At the same time though I feel super nauseous and weird like I’m gonna puke but I had pepto to make me feel a little better and that helped a little but idk might take another one later. I was too scared to eat Nihari that was made for breakfast so I had a banana but idk maybe I should eat again something else. The thoughts of anything oily makes me wanna throw up though. Maybe some crackers or something but idk.

I feel better a bit and I think the acidity issues have gone down a bit. Idk but it’s still there but better then before honestly.

I can’t stand it when people make up assumptions. I understand if your struggling and hurting and going through a lot. However it’s not really an excuse to lash out and hurt other people’s feelings. Especially if they’re genuinely trying to help you. Even if they don’t really understand, to me, I’m still gonna recognize the fact that they are trying to understand what I’m saying. My friends at school don’t fully understand my inner world, but they try. They don’t judge me, but I know they don’t fully get it, but still, the fact that they’re trying means a lot.

The thing is that no one can jump and save you. The harsh reality is that you can’t keep waiting for someone to jump in and solve your problems and I think I used to do that a lot. But how long can a person continue living like that. In reality, a person can say words that make you feel good, they can make you feel understood, but no one can pick up your broken pieces. No one can heal you. You have to do that yourself. That can be really anything, like going to therapy and using the tools that the therapist gives you, or just going for a 5 minute walk. Every person is different, and every person has a different journey.

One thing as well, it’s unfair to expect someone to pick up a everything for you. It’s not fair for that person. As much as a person can wish for that, you never know what someone else is going through. We’re all human. We all have struggles. It’s not a competition of whose struggles are more or whose suffering more. Everyone’s struggles and suffering is valid.

Today has been heavy. I don’t know honestly but I guess I realized some heavy stuff. For example the fact that everyone has a defining core value or whatever. Kay is helpful to everyone and idk everyone just loves her (also all the names will be fake for well obvious reasons), and Finn is idk amazing at cooking I guess, and Mariana is a prodigy and graduated high school at basically the top of her class. Yeah so of course I get compared to them all the time. I don’t really know how I’m supposed to be like that. I don’t want to compete. I don’t like that feeling because they’re my cousins. I mean it’s not them that make me feel like that, mostly our parents I guess but like still. It feels horrible to be like that, to feel like I have to constantly prove that I can be just as good as them which just sucks and feels horrible. Besides I’m still in the process of getting better myself so idk. Logically, I understand that for me, materialistic or just being valued for what utilities I can provide isn’t about me. In fact it speaks more about them. It doesn’t erase the pain or the impact though.

Though I do want to learn how to cook. Not for anyone else, not because it’s expected of me just cause I’m a “girl”, but because I do want to be independent in every way one day and I really want to just learn. I wanna learn how to make so many different stuff like deserts and like proper dishes and stuff. I want this year to be my year where I can do whatever the *** I want.

I know sometimes I over-interpret things. Maybe much more than I should, but I’m also trying not to do that. I’m trying not to think of myself as too much for everyone I know. I mean sure, my family members aren’t that amazing, tend to say some very rude stuff, but I know that inside, I’m still a person who should be loved. I’m definitely worthy of basic human decency.

It’s like how I want to sleep upstairs. Yeah just the other day, my cousin brother went “thank god” when I said I wasn’t gonna sleep up there, and honestly, I was considering to just not sleep upstairs because I didn’t feel comfortable. I know my aunt and uncle wouldn’t have minded, but still, it made me feel bad. The way he said it as well, it made me feel like they didn’t like that secretly and I try to be quiet, not ask for too much, heck I was even hesitating to ask for something basic like having a water bottle in my room.

I also don’t want to wake them up with my alarm since well I’m pretty bad at waking up to it, though I think that’s the only valid one.

Though I really shouldn’t be hesitating to ask for such simple things. I mean it’s water. I’m human. I need water to survive. Yesterday, after a lot of thinking, I decided to sleep upstairs anyways, and I challenged myself to actually get the water and do whatever. I mean I think they heard my alarm, but it’s honestly fine. I mean how else am I gonna wake up early anyways? Well my aunt actually told me that she heard my alarm and then laughed when I said that I turned it off and then fell back asleep 😂 Oops- lol but that should all be fine honestly.

Some people, like me, are really deep thinkers. I mean I have a whole world that lives in my head and I’m not embarrassed about that anymore. I love to think, and yeah, I definitely overthink but I’m working on it. I’m getting there, but also, logically I know that you don’t just overcome these hurdles overnight. It takes lots of work, effort, and motivation to get through them, but I’m still gonna try to take those small steps.

Strength in Islam is important, it’s a value. Besides, you don’t get through anywhere by just thinking. You do have to take action.

I’m at another party. Bored out of my mind lol. I kinda got hungry before the party and ended up eating beforehand. I had amazing pasta. Idk what to talk about with my aunts and I mean, I don’t want to seem like someone whose constantly on their phone even during a party, but eh, idk what else I’m supposed to do anyways so the phone it is, lol. I’m gonna stay upstairs again, well most likely I will. I like staying up there since I literally get to do whatever I want and well no one can really do anything 😂 and I get the whole bed and I literally just stretch out and just sleep. It’s honestly amazing and genuinely, I never realized how my bed in Saudi and my room makes me feel so suffocated until I stayed up there. Like I’m not afraid of being watched, I don’t have any pressure to sleep sooner or later, it’s just like…whatever and it feels refreshing honestly.

Okay I ate before but I just saw like the naan and some chicken on the table and wowwww I’m hungry again. Also I’ve been sneaking some cucumbers in my mouth cuz Lowkey I’m on the table since their apartment is small and their is hardly space in the living room, so I have to sit on the chair by the dining table and that’s where they’re putting the food. I can’t help it honestly like they just put the cucumbers there and I’m also thirsty but I gotta wait for all the grown up’s, etc; so yeah 😭🤍💚

  You know, it's funny how some people can be. They use things like intentions and words as their defense, but they don't consider that their words, while even if they had good intentions affected me. It's like they don't consider that I'm also 15 years old. I'm still just a teenager myself, but here we go. Look, I admit myself, It's hard to comfort people with logic, and no I wouldn't do that, but asking questions is good. That's how a person understands what their issues are and saying it out loud or typing them does help imo. Also if you go for example to a therapist or a psychologist, then your chances of understanding what you have is higher. I mean their are plenty of people who have issues like ADHD, OCD, Bipolar disorder who live for years without knowing what they have until they go to a proffessional. So yeah, I think Logic plays a huge role in this stuff honestly. 
  You see, many people in my own life, they never take accountability. Accountability isn't just when you take it and say it, but then go"...but" and then say something about the other person. No, you have to admit your own fault before you just continue blaming. Look, a person is gonna understand that your in pain, and yes, generally people do understand that. Though, excusing it is another whole thing. Unfortunately, it's just not like that. I mean if I could, I would give mental health days or something if I owned a company (though probs wont do that) or def have certain exceptions (death of a family member or smth) where they could take like a week to grieve. The thing is though, life just continues. Even if someone in your family dies, the world doesn't stop, and everything continues. 
  You know I was really shocked when one of my classmates died over the summer this year. It was shocking because he was a family friend, pretty popular, and he died pretty horribly from carbon monoxide poisoning. I was honestly sad about it as well and the first day of school, I couldn't stop thinking about how he was supposed to be there, and how it would've been his first day of 11th grade, but what made me more sad was that not one single person in my school seemed affected. Not one single person. Even the assitant principle came to each class to make a formal announcement and the moment he left everyone just continued talking about their random stuff about what events were coming up next and whatever. It made me even more sad to see that not one single person seemed affected or were talking about it. Maybe other people were affected or said something, but they didn't talk about this guy for the rest of the day in class. 
  That's how cruel the world is. That's why asking questions is important because when you ask questions, you start moving on from this issue that you're going through, to slowly moving on take learning how to take action. Some people get really caught and fall fully prety to victim mentality to the point where when someone is trying to help them, genuinely trying, they make excuses as to why its not working for them. Nothing quite satisfies them. When you ask questions, you try to genuinely understand, then yeah you will move on to slowly shifting to taking action. It's not something that happens overnight. It can take days, weeks, months, maybe even years. But if you have the will to do it, then yeah it can surely happen.