Sav interrupted

Ransom self reflection here...

Im not gonna do web dev or tech. Or at least im not gonna try to. This has been something i kept feeling like I SHOULD do, and to be honest i feel now that i SHOULDNT do it at all. Finally i feel more decisive on the career topic. With web dev, i could work remotely and make six figures potentially, i know its saturated but im impressive asf when it comes to being an employee so i highly doubt that would stop me if i would just consistently lock in and invest into the career, But heres the thing. I just dont freaking want to lol. Its boring to me, im more of an artist, i like creating stuff, being outside, or fixing things or working with my hands. I dont want to dedicate all day to memorizing random code that has no meaning to me. This is the same reason i struggle with engineering. It bores me. I love engineering in of itself but as a career your basically dedicating 4 years to learning every monotnous detail you possibly can about something as trivial as thumb tacks. Unless you get lucky and get a cool job. But i havent had much luck like that. What ill do, what feels right, is ill invest in what ive been doing for free. Making games, making comics, making stories, helping people, fixing *** and just making ends meet. *** maybe even photography and travel if it falls into place. But no more chasing a dollar. *** that. With web dev i dont even know what to do specifically as far as a niche, theres like 20 cms's, a dozen new languages every year, and clients always want the most random and obscure services. id have to actually like the process of learning random tech stuff and i dont. its a career mismatch for me. I have to be braver and invest unapologetically in *** that i already like doing, no more baggage, no more web dev. thats leaving my brain for good as of now, im deleting my portfolio. its a wste of space in my head. 

the second career bloatware im removing is this pressure to be some electrical engineering whiz. f that too lol. every electrical job ive applied to has been on complete bs. simply because i dont have pure electrical experience which isnt a refelction of my lack but the companies manipulative tendencies. Im not gonna waste my life trying to be good enough for people who arent good enough for me, and right now thats these hiring managers. f em! haha. im not worried about that anymore either. ive already proven myself and done the work. 

Lastly is this scam that you need purpose in life. you know how you find purpose? its easy, it can be as easy as waking up one day saying "i wanna be a idk... archer?  or something lol" Go and buy a bow, shoot a tree with an arrow, do that twice a week for a year till your good, enter some archery tournaments, join a club and just like that you have purpose, its not some ethereal thing that there marketing ad execs sell it as. Its just having *** to do. You got kids? bang! you got purpose. Work as a janitor? bang! purpose. Like anime? make a cosplay costume and hit up a fair. bang! purpose. Everybody is ALWAYS trying to convince us we arent enough, those people can P off honestly. were not missing anything we good. we as in my generation lol. Im tired of all the sales funnels. so im not worrie dabout that bs either f it. lol

I think its simple. Im broke and being broke makes life feel like a joke. Im also lonely asf irl and have some serious mental health issues. these are all real and debilitating problems that are EXTREMELY fixabel for me if im not distracted by a bunch of nonsense like getting rich quick, trying to be succesful trying to get the perfect gf, the cool car, fomo of my 20s, its all bs and a distraction. the fix for me is simple i think. How can i fix my mental health. Support. I need a prinary care doc and a therapist maybe even medication, as well as basic stability like a SAFE housing and a proper diet and exercise. also cant spend months isolating myself. what do i need to accomplish all these things? my biggets hurdle is basic income. i have a hard time earning conssitently because i work *** jobs i cant keep. literally a solid 9-5 job making 60 k a year with medical is LITERALLY all i need lmao. There are plenty of those out there. Indeed and ziprecruiter suck use linkedin, network a little i can find it ive found jobs like that before. every one i lost was because of a stupid *** mistake that ill never repeat. im good actually. 2 years of a concictent income and i can knock out stability pretty easily, just cant work somewhere filled with psychos like i did last time and cant be living in my car either lol. as far as lineliness also easy. just leave the house, meet people, stop being anti its not worth it. ive done it before can do it again. i dont need to join the military to get stability i just need to not shoot mysefl in the foot. this is not that hard ive made so much progress. my anxiety is not a death sentence and i have a *** load of resources. i dont need much from a job just for it to not feel like torture and pay at leats twice my rent im fine with driving beaters, i dont need to be rich lol. 

salaried job, therapist, routinely getting out the house, basic habitual therapy practices, basic stability. thats the happy equation. literally all i need. so to future me if your ever stressing read this *** twice and stop stressing for no reason, your fine. my challenge now is not feeling the urge to brainstorm a get rich quick scheme or do a super hard workout to get into perfect shape or have the perfect diet or yada yada. i just need to EXIST i literally do too much lol. just gotta remember that, i dont have to do nearly as much as i think i do, and trying to do soooo much is just my way of shoong myself in the foot