TW: vent TITLE: Is it for the best?

I want to believe in happiness, I do. But it's hard to. In this dark, cold world feeding on all our tears like a calf on his mother's ***. I want to believe there is a God and that there is a reason for all of this pain and suffering. But no matter how hard I convince myself, how hard I try, happiness is not in sight. Not for me. And I wonder if it ever will be. Because happiness can be fleeting and out of reach, just like sleep. You can be happy one moment and sad the next. That's the interesting thing about emotions, they're always changing. Some are so strong sometimes I wish I never had it at all. Like my love for you or my hate for myself. The only time I truly felt happy was when you said you loved me. Because before you I never felt like anyone but family could ever love me. Things aren't the same without you. I miss you so much. I know that you're not dead but the ghost of you is alive. I'm reminded of you by every object, every song, and even some emojis. I miss your hugs, your kisses and that cute freckle above your right eye. I miss playing roblox with you and sharing my soul with you. I had everything with you and I decided to let it all go. Why? Was it really for the best?