Thoughts I would like to remember.

As they say 20s is the age to make memories. I do get their point, yeah you are young, full of ambition, passionate and you can take risks. But to be honest, I don't want just my 20s to be the age to make memories. I want my ambition to live longer, atleast till I am very sick and old to not even get out of bed. I don't just want my 20s to be the age of living, to take risks, to live fully. I know I am not living now even when I am in my 20s, I am barely surviving. But if I survive this storm, I would like to live with everything I have always. 

                           Aim Higher 

"You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love." -Jim Carrey.

I want you to do the same for yourself, always aim higher. Don't settle for a smaller opportunity, aim for the bigger one. Don't settle for a partner who doesn't fit your standards, only settle for someone worthy. Don't settle for less improvement in life, always keep reaching for the stars. It's okay if you fail while aiming for that, you could have failed for less too you know. You aren't going to survive this life anyways, that's for certain. So, atleast be someone who's cool to me. Not to the world. I just want you to keep living upto my standards. You don't have to lower them to fit in with anyone, you don't need to. I know I haven't been much loving to you. I just hope I am able to love you so much, way more than you deserve and no one could ever do. I know it won't be enough, you would still want someone too. 

Suffering

I used to feel like the greatest suffering would be intense pain filled with anger and hopelessness until I watched my dog take his last breath while feeling absolutely nothing.I would have given my everything, just to feel grief. "How could anything be worse than this internal silence inside of me?" That's the question that was going in my mind. I wasn't kind enough to myself to accept that I was not capable to go through that pain considering there were many things happening at that time. My mind was just protecting me, but I didn't want protection. I wanted to feel my love for my dog was there. To protect from worse, my mind made me feel like a worst person. So, please my mind never shut down my emotions again. Let me be human, even a sad one.

Recognition

Yeah so like as that quote says "When it feels scary to jump in, that's exactly when you jump otherwise you end up staying in the same place your whole life." Meaning, I have to go all in now when I am suffering otherwise I would never know how I might have felt when or if the suffering goes away. Even if you get better, you can always return to the suffering if that seems more meaningful to you. But for now, just face it know that you can deal with it, prove it to yourself and choose to be happy regardless.