Vanlifer Oct 29th

It's now been 27 days since I moved into my car, I think I've learned a lot about how the world works and how the world has changed since I was young. Today has sucked. I have gotten approved for an apartment finally after I spent 2 hours ranting about not being approved at any but the apartment yanked 200 bucks out of my account without warning upon approval which out me into an overdraft. By the time all was said and done I had negative 500 bucks in my bank, after the garnishments ate up my check by payday i had a wopping 9 dollars. 9 dollars until Friday. I'm now at 0 dollars and have 5 days to go... I was able to get food from a pantry but your only allowed to get food there once a month and they give you three days worth of food, that was three days ago and half the food requires a stove or a fridge. So I feel like trash right now and literally don't know how I'm gonna get to Friday. Starting to get a really sharp pain in my chest and headaches I'm assuming it's related to barely eating. I'm happy I got approved for an apartment but its so funny how they never cease to screw me over. Luckily I don't move in until February so I have about 3 months to get my finances together, I got kicked out of the Walmart I was sleeping at because apparently it's a private Walmart, this was the only Walmart that I can safely travel to with my limited driving privileges so now I have to find random places to sleep. 

I realized that without all of these restrictions and burdens in my life vanlife would be easy. In fact everything would be easy. I my childhood trauma was more than mental, it was financial and the financial aspect has to be addressed for me to live my life. I noticed that my environment is very unhealthy but at the same time is keeping me afloat. I noticed that there's a lot in life I carry that I don't need to. My sick sibling seems to have lost their mind completely now but besides that theure actually fine, they're alive and kicking so perhaps I've been worrying too much about them. My paremts are definitely in a abusive relationship and my family turns a blind eye but I learned thsy they don't realize they turn a blind eye. I've gotten in touch with one family member who helped me out and when i honestly told him about whats going on while leaving out my homelessmess they reacted like it wasnt a big deal like they coukdnt comprehend it. I realized thatbwhen your plummeting in life people inact a form of self delusion in order to ignore you.. i think we all do that its why we can sleep at night as war wages overseas and people sleep on the cold streets. I learned finally not to resent anyone for this it's just human nature. People can only tolerate so much despair at once. Because of this are suffering is entirely our responsibility to address. I'm getting hella philosophical. 

I was shocked last week to get food from the pantry it was the first time in my life I was able to get govt assistance when I needed it. It was alot more food than I thought it would be. I had to pretend like I wasn't homeless to get it, they require you to have an address to receive food it seems like. Luckily I had an old light bill in my car. Probably saved my life. It honestly blows me away how impossible it is to get food when you have none. I remember how easy it was just 2 months ago, when you have no miney its impossibly to even get a dollar when you have money it falls outnofnthe sky. Weird. 

People keep walking up to my car when I try to sleep which is creepy and annoying, inwonder of my car gets this much attention when I'm not in it lol. Today was weird, I crashed in the gym of my old apartment because it felt like inwas having a heart attack, while in there a guy walked in with a newborn baby girl, he was on the phone complaining and whining. He had just spent all of his money on a wedding ring for his girlfriend, I'm assuming the mother of his child just for her to kick him out of the house, when he came back another guy was with her and the guy started making fun of him so he took his baby and went to the gym... where I was.. this guy called about 4 different people complaining about his predicament, all of them saying they'll pray for him, the kast person gave him the advice that his name was on the lease so she legally couldn't kick him out, he went back to the apartment just tonretrun to the gym in a panic still carrying the the baby stroller, he was frantically talking about how he was going to shoot the guy for threatening to beat him up if he came back. The whole time I thought to myself, what about the baby. Are you really gonna sit in this cold.gym with a baby, your going to just live on the streets with a baby, what about the baby dude. I realized that there was a time I was that baby, launched into a childhood of poverty and dysfunction unbeknownst to me. I wondered how will this baby grow up, how will they survive, the dude decided out loud to sell the wedding ring and use itnon a down payemnt for his own apartment, but notnbefore getting a six pack. Maybe I'm just being judgemental. After he left a shy guy walked in with a bookbag and tired fave saw me and ran away, I shrugged and continued relaxing, awhile later another guy walked in, he looked and taloed alot like me, chipper well.spoken and hebhad a large backpack with many compartment, he said wassup in way that seemed to be intended on gauging my threat level and sanity, insaid wassup back woth a voice crack as he was the first person i talked to today. That seemed to be enough for him, hebstarted pulling out a generator from his bag thebsame type I had, as well as light, a battery pack, and many other electronics, he was even more prepped than I was, "yeah im stealing electricity too cant blame brotha" he said noticing my laptop charging, "it's not stealing with how much they charge" I responded, that got a bug laugh out ofnhim and seemed like it made it look like lived there. I decided to leave since I was tired ofnsharing soace with randoms, he was very polite and urged me not to bounce on account of him and inassured him inwas planning on leaving anyway, on the waybout inopened the door to the stairwell and the door smacked someone in the head, it was the shy guy from.earlier trying to get comfortable in the dark stairwell, i frantically apologized and he laughed it off and said nonworries, when i got back to my car I realized. Wow. All four ofnus are homeless. All 4 us black men. Not too old not too young. It's crazy how common this is. I wonder if outnofnall ofnthem I'm.the most privileged since I have a job and a car. Since I have a way out. Idk. If inhad money and now restrictions I'd be in maine enjoying nature righr now. I'm noticing that living in my car isnt gonna fix my problems. If I get through this week I'm gonna be verybaggressive about getting out ofnthis rut! 

I uploaded a few videos on YouTube, which was fun, I'll have to keep at it, I realized clearly what I want to do with to life and what I don't as well as the type of people I want in it. I'm seeing all of my flaws somclearly now as well as my strengths. Low self esteem has been a plague on my life. Almost everyday I have a moment where I doubt my ability to do something that would be easy fornme to accomplish. I need to stop that. I am so much more capable than I realize. Funny enough I learned this alot from watching jujutsu kaisen lmao, one of my favorite characters gojo literally never doubts himself, because of this he is the strongest in the show, his strong since if self... oh great another crazy person well guess I'm done typing for today ✌️