if only
if only things had been different, if only she smiled more, if only i had picked up the phone, if only i wasnt me, if only i was there, if only i wasnt here, if only if only if only
im so tired of looking back at the past, im so tired of having to overthink every night, everytime.. if only.. here i am again, back at the same spot..
im writting nonsense at this point, my mind wont let me sleep
here we go again...
that should be my entry
ive decided, on me, and all the stupid things i'll do, this is the thread that i'll keep on coming back to, to write whatever pops in my head
no, you see, i'm the problem, i never let go of things
no, you see, there's nothin i could do, we're done for either ways
see, i wasn't even supposed to exist, yet i strived so hard
no, i got so much left to lose, but what is it that's stopping me
no, i'm only losing my mind, nothing more than i already lost
i got, i have i had thought that... i was strong. what a joke
see, i'm the problem
blame me
not you
but me
i had a friend, her name? let's call her penny, i'm an awfull friend, i even forgot my friends name, well, i can't help it, i forgot my fathers name too
but once in a while, penny told me stories
my favorite being, the story of the golden goose
the golden goose was one of a kind, hated by the others for being different
everytime she passed by, she got mocked, looked at weirdly or even called names
she had no friends, she felt like she didn't belong
so since she had no one who would miss her, she decided to leave her little village, she left nothing behind, she had nothing to leave and no one to miss
on a long journey to find more like her, she stumbled upon a human town, there she met plenty of humans, greedy humans, disgusting humans, shameless humans
that is where she learned real fear, real hate
the humans locked her in a cage, she never got to spread her wings, they got cut off and sold in an auction house
she never got the children she wanted, all her eggs were taken from her
she never got to see her reflection, her eyes were taken from her
blind, cold and alone, she cursed the humans, cursed those greedy beings
cursed them to feel the same pain she felt, a never ending sadness as deep as the ocean
emptiness as cold as the void
humans, once those who lived without a care, those who got eaten by their desires, they soon felt the whip of fate, the karma, the shame
then came depression, something the land had never seen
the end.
well. that's that
-loik
@SyriusSystem
very lovely writing
@SyriusSystem
hi(: it's me again- loik.. i'm so lost and confused.. i had a dream again- it was of the same woman, i've this dream over and over again-.. i'd look over a vast medow, and there she was, staring at me, whispering, and i could here her breathy voice, so haunting. and she's say "smile, just smile" over and over again, then i'd feel a suffocated sensation, as if she was strangling me. i always wake up in a cold sweat after these dreams
in these dreams, i'm never able to see the womans face but for once, i could see.. it's my late sister.. it reminds me of that time, she told me about how father would sa her and the next day, she would have to act as if nothing happened, she would smile, and she smiled till the end, i only saw her cry infront of me once, and 4 days later, she took her life.. she was so miserable yet so bright
please...i pray everyday.. to god.. to make my death painless
tonight...yet another day passed, it's been so difficult, thinking what i should do, when all i want to do is stay.. stay still, let time do its part, gaze at the cieling, and just.. breathe, i want to give in.. i hate holding on, i hate fighting, i hate me.. i wish that it were easier
i want to be held... i miss my sister's warm hugs
please... don't let me fall deeper...help me breathe, take my last breathe in a blissful bundle of peace..
my sould yearns for that peace..
nonsense