Day's One Line A Day

Look, I honestly don't like cooking that much. I have had some recipes in the past come out decent but it can be really tiring for me, and I have a lot of insecurities and trust issues around and prefer to mostly learn on my own without any pressure to impress anyone and have had bad experiences with more experienced people taking over or being patronizing to me.

Look I know this is something you're passionate about and really I like to eat and would eat whatever lol but talking about cooking while dating tbh brings up a lot of insecurities for me. I tend to feel judged and only want to cook for myself at my own pace.

If there is an issue of me being too loud or needing to clean up after a guest more, that's fine and I apologize. However,  I am an adult and I only have a friend over once or twice a month to quietly watch tv in my room. I think I should be able to live my life to some extent without walking on eggshells.

Regardless of who someone is, I deserve to be treated with compassion and respect, and I set limits around behaviors that are not respectful. Yelling, harsh criticism, judgemental attitudes, guilt-tripping, and dismissiveness are not respectful behaviors that I am willing to tolerate from anyone, friend, family or other. I have expressed that these behaviors need to change multiple times and have pushed for professional help as these behaviors represent a decades long pattern of harmful behaviors that have significantly impacted my mental health and ability to thrive in my life. Despite raising these concerns multiple times, the response has continued to be dismissive and defensive every single time. Without you taking working on these issues with a counselor truly seriously, unfortunately there are 20-30 years of evidence that you struggle to regulate your emotions in stressful situations and take out that stress on other people. I am just not willing to tolerate that behavior anymore unless there is really strong, long term evidence that you 1. Take your behavior seriously and stop the defensive responses like "that was in the past, nobody's perfect", etc. Sure no one is perfect, but there are certain behaviors that cross a line to being unacceptable to me. 2. Make meaningful progress in actively working independently on your own childhood trauma and anger management issues with a professional. I am not your parent or therapist, and I am not going to hold your hand or teach you how to control your emotions, as that is not an appropriate role for your daughter. You are not entitled to my time. When you mistreat someone, whether a friend, family member or coworker, that person may not be eager to spend more time with you, and unfortunately you are not entitled to anything and need to relearn how to treat people better so that people will genuinely make the choice to connect with you without coercion, guilt-tripping or threats. Anyone trying to connect with me through guilt tripping and intimidation is a red flag as this is disrespectful behavior I do not deserve and am not willing to tolerate.

Best of luck in your journey of healing from your own childhood issues and I still have hope maybe you will actually face your issues, but it is for you to take seriously.

1. Parents screaming fighting on Christmas eve

2. Parents fighting in the car drive 12 hour drive while helping me move

3. My father yelling at me and berating me after I was in a car accident

4. My mother screaming at me for getting water on the bathroom floor at about 7 years old

5. My dad threatening to hit me aa a child for being loud in church

6. My parents screaming at my brother and making him sign a contract for reading too many books anx struggling with grades

7. My parents fighting on a vacation and my mom confiding and complaining to me about my dad

8. Watching my mom make my dad cry after screaming at him and trying to comfort my dad

9. My dad yelling she cant do it when I learned to put in contacts for the first time

10. My dad yelling at me out of "concern" because I stayed up late doing homework

11. My mother yelling at me for being irresponsible for not putting gas in the car when I had just learned how to drive and didn't know how :(

12. Watching my dad yell at my mom for missing a turn while picking me up from the airport

For me my mom may be preoccupied, she is very abusive, yelling at me, putting me down, coming in my room without knocking to scream at me etc where my dad is dismissive avoidant, also yelled and emotionally abusive but sometimes more loving and understanding and humble wherr my mom is entitled, judgmental person. My mom only ever cares about getting her way, will have tantrum if you say no and want any time away from her. My brothers were both not abusive, but very avoidant. I think I gravitate toward men like my brothers who are mellow nerdy but sometimes avoidant and may say I'm too emotional when I'm upset. Preoccupied men often show behavior that ia very threatening for me (and can in fact be abusive tbh) like messaging very frequently when I'm in grad school and very stressed about exams and #1 is being too rough or aggressive with kissing, early physical intimacy and I shut the relationship down quickly becausr of how threatening and a turn off thay is for me. This has led to a lot of most of my life being single and lonely tbh, currently hung up on avoidant ex from 2 years ago. I have had a lot of therapy and started making the first move a lot because I am lonely and want emotional intimacy so bad constantly. I need to advocate for my needs early in relationships, still avoid abusive/too aggressive men but try to find my dream in the middle who is gentle and emotionally available but also takes the word no seriously when I need alone time and doesnt come on too strong.

Receiving a large volume or frequent texts is overwhelming and scary for me. I have a hard time trusting people will respect my boundaries. I have a demanding program and often dont get a lot of sleep. I really depend on time to myself to rest and to try to not fall behind on other responsibilities. I prefer mostly to use text only for a quick catchup/pictures/memes every 2-4 days but limit longer in depth chat to phone or in person.

What I want from seggs. I want someone who is gentle, romantic who lets me take the lead to flirt and feel confident, who checks in a lot about what I like or if I'm comfortable. Romance: emotional connection, affirmations, deep chats, AMBIENCE, candles, botanic garden, lights, flower petals, dressing up, pirates, bridgerton, reading romance novels, etc. showers, waterfalls, nature, oil, music, roleplay, etc.