Day's One Line A Day

Feeling anxious today about internship applications and my relationship. I added on a bunch of extra places and don't know if I should have added Illinois like that. I do feel like I may match with NY one so I can put things I don't like under that if I want to and rank really low. My top choice is CT but I don't know if I will be able to get it. If I match close and he is willing to commute/meet half way on weekends, is it something I want to continue? What do you want/need?

I want to have support and companionship but also want to explore my sexuality with women and other partners before committing to a marriage when I might want that. That person needs to be really compatible and more oriented towards pursuing passions than children/family. Other than volleyball, he doesn't seem to pursue creativity or social justice as much. Like he has the values but family/kids are a higher priority for him. I don't like moving around so much, and I would like close people in the community who will at least call me and provide emotional support, maybe ideally helping each other move, learn about finances, student loans, basic car maintenance stuff. Since parking lot is pretty flat, maybe he could help me practice taking a tire off and putting it back on.

Skills I want to learn:

1. Changing the air filter

2. Changing the oil

3. Jumping the car

4. Changing the tire

5. Backing my computer up to a hard drive- know how just haven't done recently

6. Changing the ink in printer and setting it up

7. Following up on my student loans and paying a little

8. Tracking my budgeting/spending and trying to reduce purchases

9. Baby investing attempts, even with $5 per month on one of the apps so see if it is safe and how I do

10. Buying/using a drill?

If there's one I regret it might be Illinois because even though a cool program it's in the middle of no where. but maybe that's my chance to have a ho phase lol and explore things and relationships as long as I feel safe and able to do that

Mouse incident stressed me out and threw off my plan to sleep early. Couldn't find it. Now my back hurts because I pushed myself too much with working out. Tried to bend my knees but still hurt my back apparently. Mixed feelings about having interview at Cornell. I don't know if I can get into these residencies with the internships I have had. I think will need to apply next year and if I don't get it could consider relief/part time or PhD program. It's good that I have got some interviews though. It shows I does have a chance. I hope for P will interview me but we shall see. I am anxious to talk to M with how angry I feel about stuff and a long day ahead. I am proud of myself for taking these steps. Those programs are really competitive so idk how much will be feasible. Feel like PhD will be competitive too and do I want to go into academia. Maybe I can talk to people who did those types of programs and what they plan to do. May involve lab work and stuff. Don't want to make another commitment like that when I don't know what I'm getting into. The relief idea may be a better option to do field work regularly as much as I can and even consider a long term wildlife biologist position from the experience if I want to try that route.

Can't believe how gross with not changing his socks, being defensive about cleaning his room and eating fast food for several days, being super defensive, saying he will learn to cook only when he has kids, sayingg he doesn't have time to learn to cook now but he wants to meet twice a week have long dates, play dnd or magic for many hours, has a super high number of hours of volleyball commitment so he does make a lot of time for fun interests but he does not see cooking as an important responsibility of being an adult. he's also 33 now, why has he not tried to learn some basics right now, like this is not just one period of being busy and working long hours but he has never tried to learn in his life for 33 years, including time in his 20s, with whatever past partners he dated, roommates he lived with , etc

I did okay today, had a difficult interview, some times when I felt there was an awkward silence or I talked in circles, maybe something I can practice for the next interview to talk to myself in the mirror and practice these types of questions again. I feel anxious that I made mistakes or embarassed myself. I did the best I could for a challenging interview and can always try again in the future. I am anxious about breaking off with my bf. I hope to maybe explore some casual things with women before I move or after. Explore friendships and asking women to cuddle and play with my hair, go out to museums, zoos, go carts, small concerts, etc. somebody I can talk to but don't have to make a lifetime commitment to. It just feels hard to cope

What my needs in the near future in terms of dating?

Wanting someone to cuddle with, play with my hair, ability to explore my sexuality and people of different genders while also feeling safe and healthy. Possibly establishing I won't be intimate until after at least 1-3 dates and some chats about hobbies/interests and meeting in a public place. Ideally women I could be friends with. Men I might feel attracted to but need to be clear about my boundaries about not making weird inappropriate comments, keeping things appropriate and respectful and meeting in a public and feeling safe. If I don't feel safe or respected I leave the situation.

Goals for the rest of my internship

1. Go to conference

2. Continue working on catheters and jug blood draws, other blood draws, anesthesia; I can review videos, anesthesia and principles of surgery notes. Try to keep trying and practice radical acceptance. talk to my counselor about it. vet med is not a race and I have many years to keep trying

3. Try to take some ER cases by myself or ask if I can take primary responsibility for 1 inpatient.

4. Continue to try to shadow exotics, maybe with the goal of seeing ferrets or guinea pigs and rats on days when Dr. Julian is there to help me or do together.

Broke up with him today. It was hard because he did a lot of deflecting, saying you should have brought that up earlier, saying I should teach him how to cook and not being willing to view that as his responsibility. Blaming me saying he can't read my mind when I did in fact bring up sharing responsibilities earlier. I said I would some one to make some effort with cleaning and he was just defensive no ability to make a compromise or admit that he has things to work on at all. It messes with my head, like I doubt myself with the deflecting because I grew up with my mom who did exactly that and deflected or blamed me growing up and it made me doubt myself because these were my parents that i'm looking to for guidance and support.

Go to therapy. Practice meditations and deep breathing. Add more leafy greens to your meals. Do more gentle stretches and journaling. Write out and brainstorm your main goals in different categories like career, relationships, hobbies, finances and make a short list of baby steps to take. For every hard step towards your goals, also do something simple that brings you joy like coloring, watching anime, puzzles.

Brainstorm of paths I can take and steps to get there:

1. Apply to residency like UI, UCD, C; programs that would allow me to mostly be wildlife vet but hopefully work outside/do research. I think I would plan to apply to this at the next cycle. If I get it what would I do after? Stay on as a vet school prof? Doing some research and vet stuff?

2. Wildlife health pHD programs or Masters programs, potentially while occasionally taking relief shifts in gp or something. I think I would consider applying for after if I don't get into the residency. 

3. After the second internship I could stay on or try to find a hospital with flexibility or a relief company like Roo or Indevets, when I would be three years out and 38. I To look into this I might need to talk to other vets who do relief and how to get there, since doing on my own would be hard without being more years out and having more experience. Maybe a program like indevets would continue to give me some training, so I can feel supported while transitioning to relief. If I want to take an associate vet position somewhere, I probably have to commit to a contract for a few years. I could even apply to a longer term more permanent wildlife health position and do relief shifts on the side to make more money and make it more sustainable

4. I mostly need to get enough experience to feel like I could take relief shifts and maybe some mentorship. I feel like the shelter surgery practice is good. What do I need to get better at-harder cases, jug blood draws, catheters, how to place a splint, orthopedic cases