Day's One Line A Day

Some women after the initial date or two will be fine to alternate paying or go dutch, especially if the plan is not that expensive, but this comes with an expectation of an equitable relationship where cooking and cleaning are shared, and this person is not a manchild who has done the bare minimum of tidying his space, having at least some ikea furniture and made his bed instead of a mattress on the floor, showering, wearing clean clothes/socks/underwear, deodorant and will ask questions to get to know her instead of dominating the conversation, knows how to plan a date and make a reservation, etc. and has or is willing to go to therapy to work on his own self-esteem, emotional regulation, communication issues, etc. so he can listen and be receptive in conflicts instead of shutting down/defensiveness

I feel a bit bored without M. I like having a lot of time to myself but maybe I should go to more meetups or rallies. Kind of bored. Maybe should learn Spanish again or make phone calls to my reps this week or send emails, sign petitions. Do I need to prepare for the interviews more? I need to figure out the insurance stuff or if I should just try to stop my ssdi. I need to follow up with the psychiatrist because I will run out of pills. Need to ask them to try to submit the claim to both. Try to sort that out, also the uas connect and getting my car oil change/put air in tires again on Friday hopefully would be good. I feel lonely, got chat from a girl, but seems like she ghosted me now. Should I try the other apps or going out toa bar, never done that before, seems scary and hard. I think maybe I should just go to more meetups, try to hang with some of the friends/acquaintances I've made so far, see how that goes. I know I made the right decision, but still I feel alone for sure, trying to figure out what to do with my time. 

Brainstorm of building support and barriers to trust and building relationships

1. Meetup group: just start with attending more groups, could pick some of the women to chat with privately? Just overall practice talking to a variety of people in the group and try to chat with them and get to know them

2. Dr. Gabby or other people from work, maybe invite them over or go out again?

3. Family members I still talk to: cousins, Aunt Linda, etc.

4. Alysia-stable friend, sometimes avoiding conflict

5. Old friends from home, vet school friends, etc.

6. Support groups I've stopped going to vs looking for new ones

7. Casual dates or friends from dating websites

Barriers to connection:

1. Social anxiety/difficulty with larger groups-able to make conversation ok but can get overwhelmed by trying to make consistent friends

2. Tending to cling to one person I know well and struggle to make a larger net of connections. Sometimes get overwhelmed by connecting with too many people due to fears around setting boundaries and having to say no to people.

3. Trauma in terms of expressing emotions, being vulnerable: withdrawing vs clinging too much to one person

4. Trauma around expressing boundaries, expressing anger and advocating for myself: lack of trust that others can change and be trusted, expecting others to leave or hurt me/ put me in danger if I express my frustrations. Feeling a sense of being in trouble/embarrassment if I "overshare" my emotions.

5. How she can help: emdr around trust issues, negative views of others, continue roleplaying, asking questions in the session to help encourage me to express my thoughts and feelings more; support me in taking baby steps towards building connections and support; helping me identify and work through patterns where I am getting stuck due to my trauma despite trying hard to connect with others.

I am torn between the two places. The place in Arizona does see exotics and would give me some experience with that, however, I probably could figure out a way to get a little experience once a week at exotics clinic, and may actually have more time to do that or arrange an out rotation, or doing CE or wetlabs and try to keep working on that. Regardless, I don't know if 6 months of shadowing is enough to make me an exotics doctor anyway, i would need more mentorship and maybe an internship somewhere if that's something i want to do down the line. It feels like in my gut I'm tired of the demands of wildlife/zoo med track, needing to do 3-4 years out, multiple internships, like maybe two exotics internships before applying for two spots in the whole country for exotics residency, just to make 70k coming out and be clinically focused and not do wildlife field work any way. I would rather feel I can do solid small animal or ER vet work, and then I can do relief, or maybe one of the ER training programs. I could also do the 6 months, then additional ER training, then relief ER or GP. I think maybe after doing the program in Virginia, then I want to apply to my dream wildlife field positions, pursue that, see how that goes and then apply for GP or relief position with Inde Vets, or maybe start Inde Vets. I can always do more mentorship with a company like inde vets or the Er training program after to try to keep doing it. Like let's say I do in Virginia then apply for the marine mammal internship outside the match or necropsy assistant, or hellbender monitoring, something like this, see if I can land any of those positions and then go again with GP/ER small animal. I think exotics vet stuff takes more training. I may be able to see on ER with some mentorship. The one in AZ would give me more training to do that. If I did in AZ, maybe I could do Inde Vets right after in AZ, Colorado or Cali. I think I need to focus on what would give me the best foundation to be a strong small animal vet and weave the other things in and try to be brave about letting myself go for those opportunities. It's really hard in terms of long term relationships, however, I feel I have a mission to kind of figure this all out right now.

In terms of romance, I might as well date every girl, gay, guy I can and just really experience that for a  while. I do value having a friendship and connection with those people that just are more on the same page about not settling down and having kids. The racial justice stuff is always high priority too. I think if I did relief, maybe I could pursue hobbies I want more too like community theater/improv, singing lessons, adult gymnastics or further dance classes, drawing/painting, learning Spanish especially medical communication which is already hard in English.

It seems like learning more about relief and maybe talking to people in these companies is a good idea to help you see how feasible that might be vs negotiating something as an associate, but the lifestyle is very appealing.

I got nasty email from an owner saying they researched things on their own because I didn't provide enough insight during the appointment. That's literally why I researched it and talk to the other doctors, because it was a weird case I didn't fully understand. What more can you ask of me tbh. I grew up in a an environment where if someone else was reactive I was not safe. They should have given me an environment to help me learn how to advocate for myself and to advocate for myself being treated well, even when I'm not perfect or make mistakes. In this case, yes there were other things I could have done, tried to express it, maybe do cytology or culture

How do you feel?

Angry, insulted, scared, frustrated, scared of the manipulation.

I get to choose who I have in my life or don't. When I am setting a boundary, I just want that to be respected, not receive additional unsolicited advice, which is going to make me feel frustrated and ***.

You are entitled to your opinion, but I get to choose who is best for me in my life or not, and when I am setting a boundary, I just want that to be respected. It is not an invitation for unsolicited advice.

I prefer to alternate planning dates, so I don't feel frustrated or resentful that I'm doing all the planning. Since you ghosted me and then showed interest again after a long time, I think I wanted you to kind of make it up to me simply by initiating and planning the first date, and I will plan the one after. Just keep it simple, I'm not picky, but just take ownership of the task like look up a coffee place, suggest one and suggest a day and time, and when it's my "turn" I will do the same.