Day's One Line A Day

Should I be opening up to you more if when I leave you won't talk to me at all, even as I friend, like would you be open to connecting as friends who are supportive of each other...Am I being stupid to open to him more when he is so inflexible about trying to make things work..

I'm scared to be more vulnerable with you, but I would feel more comfortable if you could reassure me that maybe we could stay friends and maybe you'd be willing to talk on the phone or meet up for long weekends or something...

I don't know if he is going to girl, how should you proceed with this knowing that he might not be willing to do that. Like maybe you should share the story with someone else. idk

I think it's still ok to want to do it if you know you might get hurt here, that you need to connect with some other people, friends or the women. People who are more open to more flexible connections. It's like it has to be an intense constant serious commitment or he will barely try at all.

I realize I am re-creating a pattern with him that I did with my mom, trying to set boundary and advocate for what I want in my gut, and then my mom would react defensively and I would give in to her and my own needs and boundaries would slip. She also would guilt trip and react to get her way.

Maybe a simple step is to not meet in the middle of the week, but to set aside time for the weekend

Take a deep breath, my pace is just as valid as yours. We can find a compromise, but my pace and my needs are just as valid as yours. My needs and wants deserve to take up space too.

I can come there if you feel comfortable. Looking forward to it. I know we just started, but I would appreciate if we can try to communicate a little around intimacy, like you can ask "is this okay" or ask what I like or don't like. I would really appreciate it. I really like you and want to have a good time; I unfortunately have had some traumatic incidents in the past and have some anxiety, and I want to make sure you're comfortable too.

I feel anxious about this week and reviewing appts for tomorrow. Also not hearing back from him and not knowing when I can plan to see him. Also want my app to be approved, and I need to look for apartments and submit any last receipts. Don't know if they will still give me money for that now. What about submitting the rest of my CE credits from the conference and other random stuff. I don't know how to submit that yet. Maybe can just email it to the VA board and go from there. Moving seems overwhelming also, like getting out of this apartment in time, trying to look into small uhaul thingy plus hiring movers and I will need to take my bed and table apart and try to go there. I think first step is to look at apartments, maybe I can even make the drive down to look at one in person or look at a couple virtual and consider a drive down to look at a few in one day and set up that in a row. I am anxious to be near my parents, and they won't even know where I am at all.

I am anxious about the whole process and figuring out the time to get from a to b and whether I should have a hotel maybe for few days before or what. I feel overwhelmed by everything.

I feel anxious about the woman texting me a lot when I have so much to do and focus on. It seems like she is a mom so maybe is lonely and has nothing better to do. I am anxious about starting the new job and need to communicate with them and get stuff up and orientation and be ready to go.

Also have no idea where I want to end up more long term or if I'm ready to stop moving, it feels so permanent to stay in one place and be stuck somewhere I'm not happy. top choices are san diego/cali, Maryland, Anapolis or maybe Colorado. Don't know that I could be in Arizona long term, maybe place to visit. I feel that San Diego is top one on my list. Will I regret not going there and seeing Z again and trying it out? Seems like the time to do it is now and then in 40s I can really have long term relationship and decide together to stay or be on east coast Maryland or Delaware maybe or DC but farther away from my parents. Would I consider the carolinas or south but it's too conservative for me. Maybe Maine or CT is okay long term.

I think I want to be with different kinds of people and see what this all looks like for me long term. I am afraid when I get overwhelmed that I struggle with following through with the tasks and I feel resentful for these anxious attachers who seem to want to use me for my attention instead of supporting and encouraging me towards my goals, which are so important to me. I like him but he seems so self centered. I feel anxious about her respecting my boundaries. I think I should show curiosity around setting boundaries and notice who responds really well and is understanding vs people who are entitled, guilt trip or worst reactive. He guilt tripped and also didn't tell me directly he was upset.

Again task to do include reviewing stuff for tomorrow, maybe make a list of those areas they mentioned and make a doc with links to some apartments in those locations to start with and brainstorm for a while. Let myself take my time with that.

The receipts can happen after, just need to set up the license and the apartment as highest priority. Maybe cleaning my backpack more thoroughly or doing quick clean of the house, trash, laundry, counters, do deep breathing and meditation as my anxiety has spiked. Something I am looking forward to is seeing the girl next weekend. Maybe eating shrimp scampi.

What are my favorite foods?

1. shrimp scampi or shrimp 

2. Pancakes and waffles

3. Fruit salad

4. Grilled cheese tomato soup

5. Corn on cob, fried dough, cannolis

6. street tacos, bubble tea

Last meal:

1. fruit salad/house salad, then

2. shrimp scampi + garlic bread and butter + margarita/pink lemonade

3. chocolate chip pancakes, cannoli + bubble tea or thai iced tea

I want to date someone else, someone who doesn't get defensive, who can hear me advocating for my needs and wants and care about me instead of being defensive, who goes to therapy and wants to work on self-reflecting and improving, who values communicating and compromising so both people can have some needs met instead of feeling like I'm carrying all of the planning and all of the emotional labor too. And most importantly someone who initiates, plans, and overall shares adult responsibilities and is willing to grow so both of us feel supported and not like one person is carrying more than their fair share.

Things I'd like to say at the end: express the resentment I feel at men who won't go to therapy, the hypocrisy of progressive men acting like they care and then exploiting womens emotional and domestic labor. If you are defensive when a woman calls you out, you're really useless to us and are no longer a safe man to deal with. The resentment I feel around him not planning anything.

What are things I would like to do with him physically, play with my hair, ear, makeout, be in the shower together, be on cowgirl, maybe take his shirt off, just I guess try to explore the physical intimacy and not focus on the disappointing connection. Focus on other connections that might be better for me emotionally where I might feel more heard.

Making a list of top places I would like to live:

San Diego, southern Cali

Maryland- Anapolis,  Ocean city maryland -maybe a good cheaper option?

Others

Colorado, Arizona- places maybe more to visit or see for a short time

Florida-same, not sure if I would stay long term

Absolute no:

Deep south, central US, kansas, oklahoma, etc