Day's One Line A Day

What do I want to say:

the last time I felt like I was pretty vulnerable and I noticed some defensiveness. the defensiveness brings up a lot of fears for me and I feel scared to bring up more of my feelings and needs because I am concerned you will be defensive again. If you want me to tell you how I'm really doing and open up, I need some reassurance that you won't be defensive and can listen to me with empathy without taking it personally and getting defensive.

How do I feel? I feel good, a little overwhelmed. I'm proud of myself for taking this step to connect with him. the intimacy felt a little overwhelming. What am I afraid of? Someone having power over me, acting possessive. I want to feel like I'm empowered and have agency. I'm glad he asked me what I like, what else do I like. It's hard because there is a such an unmet need around emotional intimacy, just wanting someone to comfort me and listen to me and feel heard. there's also old insecurities about being patronized or feeling like this person is more experienced and therefore has power over me. Maybe being on top more, phone calls, the shower, whipped cream, just like gently and romatically, kind of seducing me. i like things to be warm, be really sweet and gentle to me

How do I feel?

Cold, happy but lonely still, missing him now. Felt like I took an important step forward towards trusting him and that we're in a better place in terms of understanding each other.

What to work on this week?

Breathing and meditation, cozy hobbies

Send receipts just in case can get some money

Schedule haircut

Maybe fidelity should wait until you're not working or until you move and then start it when you're in VA and going to live there

Should I send a check in email to the Vault people after 14 days? I have two days left to hit the 14 days

Send CE credits to VA board email

Cleaning-clean the bathroom, consider deep cleaning other things in the house; Maybe starting to make a donation pile for things or consider selling? Get rid of any trash and recycling first, go through old stuff.

what should my plan for moving be? Ask if I can move in June 31st so I don't have to stay in a hotel and head out that morning, plan to have movers scheduled for after I get there, or go get my key first , like say leave 9am, get there 11:30, get key, movers for 2pm; need to look into Uhaul trailer. Keep all receipts to try to get re-imbursed on things and also the cost of sending the NAVLE scores and registration. Should send them an email when your license gets approved.

Open mail, plan out calendar. Sort through your files?

Take a picture of Baloo's rabies cert and have it on your computer

what about the automated trainings you were supposed to do, maybe I can work on that tomorrow in between stuff.

Brainstorm anything else, like putting ink in printer, if I can't do it , can go to best buy or call customer service, try to watch a youtube video from similar printer model to figure it out? clean and organize electronics.

car stuff-put air in my tires. consider cleaning the inside, glove compartment, look into changing the filter, maybe paying for interior detailing at some point. at some point in next few years can get a used toyota corolla or similar car.

What to work on this week:

1. Send reimbursement form and receipts to Chris, ask for form

2. Start deep cleaning, putting things in a donation or throw out pile, reducing what you can

3. Talk to A about trailers, consider if I can move in at least one day early, or would I get a hotel, how would this work, can wait to start packing, but can start reducing stuff, deep cleaning each room-kitchen, closets, bedroom, bathroom, go through throw out trash and put stuff in a donate pile, trying to strip things back to make easier

4. Will need to schedule movers, can use junk removal if things don't fit into?

5. Save receipts for AVMA, moving for new job

6. I don't know what I'm doing after or where my life is going, but I just have to get to the next thing for this year, consider exotics shadowing or volunteering at audubon society, etc.

7. Keep doing breathing and short meditations as much as possible-I feel these help you

I thought I expressed that I would like you to initiate. It doesn't feel good to be "do you want to hangout" over and over and have that not be reciprocated. If you're interested in me, please initiate and plan, ideally a few days in advance. I really want to set aside time for you on the weekends, but it gets harder to keep a slot open when you wait until the last minute and I had no idea your schedule. If I'm not seeing you, I'll probably be upset and want to make some plans with friends so I'm not alone all weekend, but again it's very difficult to juggle and figure out when you aren't carrying your weight of initiating and planning. It really sounds like there's some anxiety there maybe, and like I really sympathize cause obviously I have anxiety and procrastinate and avoid stuff, but I still ultimately cannot carry a connection and always be initiating and planning. It's on you to take the steps to work on this issue or I will start to get tired and avoid planning and initiating myself and may not be able to set aside time for you. Please please help me out on this.

I really don't know what to do here. I really really like you and I really don't want to give up on this, but I feel very hurt and abandoned and I don't know what to do. I know I need to be aware if my mental health is really being affected. I just don't know what to do here, but I don't know what I can do here to get you to listen to me and care about me and treat me better. There's only so much I can stay in something and be unhappy. I just need you to change and treat me better but I really have no faith. I've never seen anyone change. Everyone who hurt me refused to change and refused to treat me better and I jus t don't know what to do I'm just so tired and lonely and depressed and I don't know if my self esteem is in the toilet or your face is just too stupid and pulls me in every time but I am so lonely and sad I don't want you to leave but I feel so miserable why can't you treat me better than this.

I am feeling upset today because he just responded and I was considering breaking things off and now he's sort of pulling me in again. At most I will tolerate this for 3 more weeks and then I will just focus on therapy, peer support maybe and making new friends or meeting people in DC. I feel really sad though, like a connection here has been lost. How will I navigate being somewhere new and where is my final destination and how will I pursue opportunities I want to pursue. I feel like I was desperate, but I think it's understandable to want to connect with him more.

Hi, I don't like to do this over text, but I think the next time we hangout should be to say goodbye. I am open to being a friend and listening ear if you ever want support or to vent in the future. I'm  moving June 29th regardless. I really really like you, but I have been frustrated, resentful, and sad about us struggling to just date and connect. I have a lot of empathy for some of the traumatic things you've been through, but I think there's more healing and therapy to be done to self reflect on how you're showing up in dating without being defensive. I have been working on my own healing and triggers as well and value finding a partner who is open to growth and self-reflection who listens when I raise concerns. What day would you be free when you're done with the next phase of your schedule.

Even after I wrote that I'm still on the fence about breaking things off or not, like at most we would hang out like 2 more times, and I need to start moving and packing and stuff. What would I want to spend the time doing, most just like cuddling, maybe kissing, not further than that. I think mostly I'm physically into him and emotionally I feel turned off like he's so self-centered, avoids feedback and gets defensive. He doesn't take initiative to plan things or like plan a nice date for me. He insists on doing things his way and was not open to compromise on anything really. The convo about intimacy did go well. I just feel lost because like I'm so lonely and the lack of it is so hard to deal with and I just really lack long term close connections that are consistent but also respect my space without being invasive or demanding. B and A are my friends, maybe Kirstey. I don't feel like I successfully built long term connections here or really got close to someone.

I would like to tell A that while I feel like she was better than most counselors I had and was skilled at emdr, I still feel like she was too passive, that she dismissed things and forgot things that were important. I tried to set the same boundary multiple times and she still forgot about it. I don't feel like I made a dent in really addressing the deep loneliness and hopelessness that I was hoping she would give me insight towards or helping me to express supressed anger and stand up for myself. I think addressing the trust issues and struggle with expressing anger and accountability with her would have been so helpful but it really wasn't addressed. Like I asked to make my own goals, because that is what I did with prior therapists and that never happened. I was frustrated with the issue with insurance which I feel never got addressed and I didn't get support and everyone was unreliable. I feel like she forgot to check on things and would like her to remember something and check up on it later.

I think it might be ok to hang out with him until the end and then express things too. Like this isn't a terrible option that you're worried about what your friends will think or what Aimee will think. I feel angry that you're projecting your ideas of relationships onto me instead of letting me speak for myself and listening to what I want rather than giving advice or external opinions. Like it might be nice to experience the cuddling and intimacy for 2 more times or so and then have a final discussion where I express these things. It's ok that I can't fully decide and it's ok if I decide I want to continue for 2 more dates and then go I think. I feel like these people don't understand what it's like to lack physical intimacy and also are sort of shaming of more casual or non-traditional relationship types and have an all or nothing view of it that makes me angry, because my priority is to meet my needs and do what I want, not convince someone that I am making the right choice or not. I am angry at pushy people who don't listen and try to influence my decision.