Day's One Line A Day

I feel overwhelmed with figuring out where I should live, given the state of my family and sort of having close friends that are sprawled everywhere and I sort of feel like I've let them all down. I do feel like part of me is itching to go to the west coast again vs a place like A, M could be really nice. I would just have to hold to my boundaries. A trip west would be a big move again. What would I do there? Work as a vet? Apply to inde vets and then try to do something else over the summer, look into opportunities and try to have some flexibility. I feel like this is mainly the place I want to go and try being there for a while. I wonder if I would want to come back or stay or maybe I'll meet somebody this year and want to stay in this area but with heavy boundaries. I could visit these places while I'm here. Maybe it's a matter of finding the right person and figure out where you would be or go together. I just don't know. I feel like I see myself finding a long term spouse at some point who might support my fluidity and stuff. I just feel really overwhelmed with it all, but I just have to take one step at a time and try to enjoy life. I feel like if there's part of you that wants to live there again, now might be the time to do it and if relationships don't work out or you hate it, then I feel like the Anapolis or Baltimore area is a good option or final place too. I could work relief and do wildlife work or take some risk in applying for positions if I feel I can take on extra shifts. I'm just tired of doing it all alone. How would I even get across country, maybe I could pay for the pod, sell or donate the rest, like I don't have that much stuff. I could visit Z again, visit any college friends, try living there for a while. Does that feel permanent either, like I would marry someone there or is better to be in Mary and just visit and not go? I just don't really know anymore. It feels scary to make the wrong choice. Life is messy and rn you have two top two choices. You can try visiting and living in both and consider your options and go from there. I think the next first step is to visit Mary and other large cities there.

what should I do after, would like to consider moving to west coast, possibly seeing if I can try a vca and negotiate summers off vs inde vets mentorship program. I think I might prefer to stay with a consistent company that I trust more than the banfields and stuff that are sketchy. Maybe I can ask for a lot of advice about it from the team and my mentors and try to take it one step at a time. it doesn't hurt to contact places and try to feel that out saying I'm 2 years out looking for associate gp positions, would ideally like some flexibility to have time off in the summers included in my contract, with the incentive to stay longer like 2 years if I had that included, then let's say puts me 4 hours out, more ready to try my hand with applying to wildlife biologist positions with relief or vax clinics as side hustle on the off season.

I didn't get done my notes today but it's already midnight so I think I just need to try to sleep. idk why this dog has exercise intolerance is there even anything wrong with it. I was frustrated with listener why you have to give a dismissive comment. It was just like "I want to talk about this thing that's on my mind" I mean brainstorming a plan makes more sense then just putting your head in the sand and avoiding things. Feeling like I have a concrete plan and working through it in fact helps me. I just wanted to talk to someone.

How do I feel about the possibility now? I think easiest would feel just to make the drive, get rid of my furniture, or could consider getting the trailer/hitch installed so that I can move some small things, might be worth the investment if I'm thinking about moving back and would have more furniture then. I would like to try to visit, rent a car and drive to LA/Pasadena or just focus on a short visit to see the area for a few days? I may not have that many days off in my schedule to do that. Could do it over Xmas time, but friends are probably not free then. What is the key part of the anxiety-being afraid to make a mistake and regret it. The expense and energy required to move there and back. Worried that it's just a fantasy and I'm being unrealistic about it and that I would still be unhappy there. Anxiety about waiting too long to start my longer term life, relationships, etc. and that it will be harder to find a spouse the longer I wait and I'll be alone. Fears about loneliness and not having enough of a support system when I'm there. Maybe would be best to just go, visit for a few days as a quick trip and not worry about visiting college friends since that would require renting car. But I think it would be nice to rent a car to explore: hiking, visit some animal hospitals, visit coffee/restaurants and get a feel for the vibe, ability to visit more people may be limited by availabilty to take time off.

What is the core of my fears:

-fear of regretting trying out being in cali as an adult and having quality time with college friends as an adult would be precious to me, even if I don't stay long term due to finances, career, etc

-fear of feeling lonely, depressed, struggling financially and lacking practical support in a place that's farther away from what I know

-fear that spending 1-2 years somewhere and then moving back will leave me feeling lonely, feeling sad to leave college connections vs prospects of building long term relationships

-what if I find a serious love somewhere and feel pressured to stay somewhere that I'm unhappy for the relationship

-fear of being in a financially expensive place and struggling with financial stability and my debts

-fears around the uncertainty of my career and whether I will see an amazing job prospect in a third place and feel tired of continuing to move but also don't want to miss a cool opportunity; fears that I won't work with wildlife and will be stuck in vet med and unhappy;

Positive version

-I have time to take the next few years to explore these questions. I probably will feel better to try something for the short term, gather a sense of which of the places I've been is the best long term prospect, and I can work on that this year in VA too, try to see what the city has to offer vs SD long term

-It's ok to try and explore, there's no rush into a serious commitment, and it's better to really find a good fit of a person and place so I feel confident in that commitment

-I can continue working on vet med skills anywhere and always have the plan of relief or part time once I get enough experience

-I want to take the time to explore my sexuality and identity anyway, so I will feel happy having a lot of time to do that and not rush into committing to one person. I can grow and learn from those experiences

-Many young people are moving around a lot and I can treasure the people I connect with along the way and try to stay in touch, knowing some may be close and some may be far and this is part of life. With more stability and higher salary, I will have more ability to visit friends in Cali and MA if this is important to me.

-I'm hoping with another year of therapy, I will also have more clarity and reduced anxiety about all of this

-I can try to live in the moment enjoying exploring the places I've lived in before deciding to put down roots somewhere. It's ok to be at a different place in life with this than others as I had to heal from a lot that they weren't dealing with and that's okay.

-There may be no place that's perfect and I can always travel and visit places. I can only do the best I can to explore what places are the best fit to build some stability and connections when I feel ready at my own pace.

Brain dump:

Anxious to start work tomorrow and adjust to a new place and new expectations. Anxious to make mistakes and have people who might not be supportive. I hope to try to get as much as I can out of this year, grow in surgery, interpreting rads/BW, doing dentals, blood draws and catheters, more challenging cases in ER, feeling comfortable prescribing IV meds, IVF rates;

Anxious about continuing to work on adulting and to do list while starting work, working on Uhaul final bill, submitting moving reimbursements, setting up printer, trying to get new ssd card in mail, set up therapist, dentist, eye doctor, order more contacts, work on financial stuff, setting up accounts, checking on my loans and paying a little at a time; maybe 300 per month, set a google cal reminder to do that vs doing the investment accounts with a small amount, put a small amount into high yield savings account and keep adding to it until I have like 10,000 and get an extra 1K per year or so. What about setting up insurance

Prior 401k from windcrest-don't forget to take care of that.

Never got stuff from conference- CE, annoyed I didn't get a response from them. Try again;

What about organizing files, emails, notes. Making sure you get plumbs, VIN, AVMA subscriptions back; Finish cleaning out car, getting rid of recycling in there and vacuuming more.

Try to tackle those things a little at a time, slowly work through and can brainstorm things I think I forgot about. Look into Virmp and consider that; I may be able to get it this time if it's something I wanted to consider, but getting closer to part time with wildlife may be more important. If there is an opportunity in cali, I will consider and look at it in October and try to set things up.

I feel anxious about new people and a higher level of expectations, especially doing more on ER than I did before but I want to feel like this is my time to ask for clarification of the "stupid questions" in a supportive environment and keep learning.

Overlwhelmed by juggling a lot at once. I really like Stacia, but I have asked her to suggest a second date and heard nothing. Andrea is gone for another two weeks, so feels tiring to keep talking to her, plus not sure if it's more than a friendship. I like John, but I also wonder if I will be driving most conversations, however it feels nice to date a more quieter person given I'm often tired from work. Other guy is coming on with a lot of questions and intense energy. I guess it doesn't hurt to try to meet him and see. I would have to let him know I'm also seeing another guy and he may not be comfortable with that. I feel John is more likely to be ok with me at least seeing women/other people as he doesn't feel too intense.

How do I navigate someone who comes on strong like this. Can I ask them to slow down or should I just see what they're like, knowing I may want to turn him down? But also I don't know if me and John will work out and maybe I can try going on one date with the other guy and compare how I feel.

I just moved here. I've been to some of the museums when I was younger, but has been a while.

Just fyi, being a vet is an intense job and I have long shifts. I may not have the bandwidth for intense long convos but I try to reply within 1-2 days.

Do I even want to meet this man? Right now I feel like I really like J and have no interest in him. I still like Stacia but never heard from her again. Maybe I would rather date another girl or something instead of this man. I just don't know. He still seems like he wants a lot of connection I don't have the energy for. When I think about it I feel like maybe I'm not interested idk. I feel like maybe I just want to continue with John. If things don't work with him than see someone else idk or just go out and go to dance and improv events, sit in the pool and read manga, not be involved with this guy idk.