Day's One Line A Day

I feel so angry that she would do that to me, after explicitly telling her no to one thing, she made an excuse to insert herself. It makes me so angry, the invalidation and dismissal that comes with it, like look I'm a nice mom, nothing is wrong, give me attention, feel bad for me. I resent her so much for that.

I feel annoyed at how umcomfortable my brother acted. I'm proud of my decision to not be involved with such toxic people who were harming me and my mental health. I feel like I can't be close to him because of the elephant in the room of my parents, and him being in their ear, probably hearing my mother say how sad she is and how I refuse to see her and how I'm an ungrateful daughter or whatever. Do I wish he would stand up for me maybe or go to therapy to have the guts to talk to me and keep in touch with me. He had to deal with the awkwardness that they don't know where I am and he might get pressured to tell them or be caught between.

I am doing okay, felt better after therapy to keep trying, need to update my list, need to go to walmart to buy a pot, need more food in the house, need to keep working on my to do list.

Things going well with Jon, need to make other new friends in the area, go out and ask interns to come out with us. Makes me feel confused about whether I should go to Cali, how I should proceed with my life, whether I should stay and pursue things longer term with him. I do really like him and feel happy spending time with him.

What deserves attention tomorrow: taking some time to rest and self care, while preparing gently for the week a little.

What is my thought? I am anxious I might hurt him.  Is this true? This is a future catastrophizing thought. He might decide he wants to see someone else; he might want something casual only too, he also may have questions about figuring things in his own life and could be understanding. He may feel sad or upset, but I am not responsible for pleasing him. I can only do my best to be considerate and honest about my intentions and though it's hard to make him sad, what I want and need in the future is important too and I deserve to figure that out and advocate for myself.

Feeling anxious about the week ahead. Intention for the week is to practice estimates and invoices, get used to computer system, what meds they have there. I feel frustrated I don't have more friends here, have been going to groups, but doesn't necessarily result in friendship, maybe could suggest something in group chat for improv about going to a movie? if anybody wants to see a movie or maybe get lunch before improv? Maybe I could suggest getting quick bite after improv in the area?

I feel anxious about making mistakes and dreading work because I am unhappy. People will judge me and punish me for making mistakes. Is there evidence to support this claim? Not really. Some people may be more impatient than others, but some people may be understanding. They overall want to help and teach the interns. This may not be my favorite job right now. My feelings are valid and okay to have. I can only do my best day by day. It's one year and not forever.

Feeling anxious about my future and plans around vet med. I feel anxious that I will stay stuck in vet med and will be burnt out and unhappy. Is there evidence to support this claim? While I was trained and have student debt, I can take steps toward my long term goals and do my best. My current situation is temporary and I have many years ahead. I just have to take baby steps toward my goals.

I am feeling very frustrated today from blood draws. I did get the two goldens. I felt like I was doing better last year in the past like I can get a front and back on a calm golden retriever. It gets harder with fractious patients, weird veins, hard patients, and cat blood draws where the veins are weird or they kick. I can focus particularly on practicing with nice patients with good veins and try to work up to harder ones, watch videos and keep practicing.

Negative thought:

It's not safe to make mistakes in front of others. People will be mean and judge me as a failure for not getting it. 

Is there evidence? Some people may be aloof or less emotionally available than others, but nice people will try to help and hopefully the right people will appreciate that I keep trying.

She did try to help you in the end and let you practice and tried to help you. Not everybody may be super emotionally present and that's ok. I can try to notice people that are kind for a bit.

I feel anxious about tomorrow.

What to say to little Sarah: it's okay, you're human, just do your best and ask for help if you need to, it's okay and human to be anxious, you can only do you best, that's all you can do.

To protector S: it's ok to be frustrated that you don't have more support and angry that your parents can't help you in this and support you. your feelings are vali.d you do have some support from therapist and J and Alyssia and your kitty cat. real friends will always be there for you even when you make mistakes.

How my parts are feeling after today:

1. Inner child- feels anxious, judged for being anxious and feel confused about doing things and anxious to make mistakes

-what is wants: comfort, reassurance, kindness

-wants to hear: you're ok, you did your best little one, you're only human. it's ok to have big feelings and be nervous sometimes

2. Angry protector- feels frustrated with not having enough support and frustrated with the system of computer and not having enough support, angry and resentful that I don't have a support system from my family in this situation of starting a new job when I should be able to call my mom to talk about this.

-what it wants: to vent scream, feel heard and validated, have space to honor the dark feelings-the rage, jealousy, resentment, to not have to immediately be responsible and quiet down, to let loose, party, drink, rage and vent and let loose, to be free to be angry and free

-what I can do/say to it: listen to angry music? scream in pillow, vent and complain to someone, can vent to ai or just vent to myself:

ugh fu the computer system, so annoying and stupid, why is this so ffing complicated and why wasn't it simpler to understand, stupid ffing ***, why do my *** parents be emotionally absent, f them and f my brother for always being so absent that I always had to face this alone, and f all of them for getting to rage and complain and be loud while I never got to fing take up space or scream or cry or melt down while they always did and I had to take care of them and what I wanted and needed never ffing mattered to that stupid dumb narc bitshhhhh such a selfish nasty person I hate her I hate her I hate her fffing.. It's valid to feel this way, she should have nver treated a child like this. she should never have had the right to treat children this way. I was so young and innocent. I never deserved that. It was wrong and now she has the f audacity to guilt trip me like boo hoo shes the fc victim like again I'm not allowed to be mad  I exist to comfort her like I'm her *** property. seriously f that bitsh and my dad was a useless shh who just ennabled her and was a dumb shh who acted like a baby and toddler and I had to act like his ff parent too abut where the ff fhave they ever been when I needed them. where the FUKCKKKK have they been . who gave them a license to bring kids into this world this sffff dumb dufuuuuccjjs they had no right to treat an innocent person like this when I tried so fffing hard I lierally was the most welll behaved child and all I asked was for oen thing which was for them to love me and treat me well and they couldn't even treat their own child with respect *** ***. go to *** and get run over by a tractor bisshsshhh

3. Logical functioning part:

a. Wants to express emotions but also wants to do a good job and take actions and steps towards goals, feels frustrated with hurdles to performing well and wants to review things and try to do better for the next shift, like review the soaps, how to use cornerstone, etc.

b. what it wants: to review things, to not go to bed too late, to clean etc:

c. what I can tell it: it's ok, we are taking steps today and can take a break now and try to take some steps towards cleaning and stuff tomorrow.  I can feel and express my emotions and keep taking steps. I can pause and take a break and it isn't a catastrophe. I can take one baby step at a time. It's ok to feel anxious as our goals are important to us and that's okay. We did take a great step today by doing that for the first time and adjusting to a new clinic. It will get easier.

What are the negative thoughts?

I dread work because I feel stuck in life and feel like I'm so far from my goal to be in wildlife conservation. It's so frustrating to keep working in this field.

My anger and frustration are valid and okay. I hear you and validate how that feels.

Work isn't everything, and I can take it day by day, knowing this is only for the next year or two and I'm doing my best to take the steps that I can. I am getting better and in time I hope to feel more competent in myself.