Day's One Line A Day
Frustrated that I made mistakes on neuro hw. I still got an A on it though. It's ok to make mistakes. Always feel lonely and sad before I go to bed. I went to support group today but it's so hard to share things there sometimes. I try to tell myself I am doing my best to show up and share a little more each time.
I'm not feeling good about J. I know I have to break things off. He's such a sweet guy. I just feel no sss chemistry. Like I just feel turned off and not into it. I think maybe I should focus on friends in the area for a bit and take a break. Delete my apps for a minute and just make friends. Because I feel like my attraction is in the toilet and I'm questioning myself. I know it will hurt his feelings but I have to be honest that I can't continue this. I just don't feel into it.
I feel anxious for tomorrow. But will try to ask other people for help. Try to look things up. Keep in mind that while she still feels scary, part of that is my past trauma and what I've experienced and that's okay. I hope to try to at least be in the grey like I'm not super happy about being there but being more grounded in it being a temporary means to gain more experience to eventually have the life I want.
I've been feeling pretty depressed. Didn't have anyone to spend Halloween with. I didn't have much energy to decorate. I just have felt really down and super lonely. I am happy to meet the one friend I have on b. I haven't heard again from A and S. Don't know if they want to still be my friends or what. I have had no energy. Hate that I only have one day off and then have to go back to work again. I am sticking with my plan for now but feel so tired and burnt out, I need to keep in touch with people and old mentors. I just feel so exhausted from everything and always so so lonely. What about long term support and friendship like Bailey, my brother, A, Kirstey? will I have the time and money this year to go back and visit. It always feels like my home there. I just don't know. Still I miss my college friends, but it's just so expensive to visit always. If I'm in MD than I can visit MA more easily, live by the bay, try to build a little life there, travel and experience things the best I can. It just all feels so daunting rn, so hard to be so alone, but I feel like to some extent I have to embrace being more alone. I just feel so lonely. And worry how much are these possibilities realistic when I have such financial instability and can I go for these opportunities, like how will it work all the time? I just don't know. I thinking visiting A next week is a good idea, to give some context to the fantasy, look for places I could be. I wish I didn't constantly feel like I dread work, mostly around a certain person who has caused me a lot of stress. My next goal was to start a new group chat, see if the new girl will hang with me. At what point would I open my dating apps again? December? November? Never? idk. I think maybe I would consider women again at the beggining. Like mid November. Because at least we could have a friendship.
