Peff
@Stanlee00
Another reference, I was faced with so many choices, I thought this most clever.
@FormalPsycho
I look real silly when I don't get these references straight away
It's rather obscure, it's off an album called "Bundles" by Soft Machine. While not my favorite track, the title is rather captivating.
@FormalPsycho
Well I'm taking a break from my fiona apple wallowing and putting that on, it's sick actually. You will be my temporary music educator for the current moment
The piece was written by Mike Ratledge, I believe thats how you spell it. The band isn't known for much besides the guitarist Alan Holdsworth who has played with one of my favorite fusion artists, Jean Luc Ponty. This album and Third are the only albums worth listening to in my opinion, with Peff, The Man Who Waved at Trains, Land of The Bag Snake, and Bundles being the best of that album. Slightly All The Time is one of my favorite tracks of all time and makes Third worth a listen to.
If you ever need something to listen to, I am always open to recommending.
@FormalPsycho
also, might take you up on the offer some time. though for now i'll slink back to my usual music for the time being, it's my medicine lmao
@FormalPsycho
So i've just just gone and played them. I think I agree- I like bundles best. I like the jazz feel they have, but bundles has the cleanest riff. Waved at trains feels like a bridge. Something I wouldn't typically listen to but on my radar now. thanks for that actually. Still listening to land of the bag snake at the moment
I'm glad I could bring you into my world.
What would you like to talk about?
@FormalPsycho
Not too sure a bit annoyingly. I know you were curious about me. But I'm curious about you as well. For some reason your writing style and then your music taste was not what I was expecting, though it's a pleasant surprise. I assume you're a guy. I think I'm curious why you're on here but that can be deep. So I guess I'll be curious to know on a light hearted note if you play guitar or any instrament at all or what other interest you have?
Bit of a rambley answer.
@FormalPsycho
Thank you for letting me. I'd love to share as well at some point, maybe not tonight, quite sappy.
What has you in this mood? Of course if you do not want to talk about it, we can stall for another time.
@FormalPsycho - sorry justsaw this now. Not as used to the forum UI
I wasn't as clear. I meant my current playlist is quite sappy. My current mood is less so. I hadn't meant to be elusive
I see, I do play piano and I am a guy, I have been playing four years, and I'm slowly learning guitar. The reason I've joined is complicated in a strange way.
I don't know how long ago it was, definitely over a year however. There was this woman who I felt very vulnerable towards, I don't remember her name or how she looked, the only thing I remember of her was that she said on her spare time she liked coming here to help people. I never understood why she would spend her time helping other people, it made no sense in my mind. Months after we had stopped talking, I decided to join this site.
@FormalPsycho
That's quite lovely actually. I love the piano though I don't know how to play. I fear my hands are too small. I'd love to learn. And guitar is fun, I've played guitar for a few years on and off, I wouldn't say very well but I find it enjoyable.
And that's intersting. Apologies if I am prying. I do wonder if you ever found her here. But you don't have to answer that. And I couldn't answer why she helped people here. I used to but for a feeling of solidarity and distraction, though that was few years back, 2-3? I wouldn't and don't now though. Either way thanks for sharing that
No I never found her here, she's only the reason the reason I knew of this place, why I sought here for shelter. What forced me here in the first place is an even longer story about another woman named abby. I will tell later tonight if you're interested. Pry all you want, I'll be open for a while. In the mean time I could play a bit of both for you if you'd like?
@FormalPsycho
I see, a lot of people seem to seek shelter here. If you choose to share I'd be pleased with the company. Though I may respond later as time is getting ahead even for an insomniac like me, we'll see lol.
Also - Sure, I wouldn't mind listening to you play. Not sure how you intend to though.
Insomniac to insomniac, you're in the UK, correct?
Guitar- https://voca.ro/1i0pIGxvPmNj
Piano- https://voca.ro/19lzCKo2cjKs
The story of Abby and I starts two years ago. I had met this woman Harvey even longer ago, she was a hallway crush of sorts. Eventually the chance fell in front of me and I seized it, we started dating and it only lasted three months. It was during this time I met abby, she and Harvey were best friends. Once we had broken up, Harvey spread so many awful rumors to defame my name, but abby was there to support me, help defend my name. That formed an emotional attraction towards her, she was there for me in a way no one else was there before.
Over the next few months, me and abby grew close, and to hide the attraction I felt for her I pushed her out of my life, she knew too much about me. I had missed her every single day, and to cope with it, I lied to myself until I believed she was dead. It was during the belief of this lie that I joined this app. To find somewhere anonymous I could voice the thoughts stuck inside my head.
@FormalPsycho
Quite a picture. You carry a lot from each of these women. We lie to ourselved, making a false narrative is easier to cope at times, but I do feel for the weight you may bear. Love, lust, infatuation, heartbreak, grief, it touches us all differently.
This place is decent if you want to shout into the void anonymously, though you get varied responses back.
Sorry if my response is a bit awkward, it's genuine, I'm just tired
I understand your response, yet my story continues tonight if you don't mind the chat.
@FormalPsycho
Yes, I'm from the UK. Just got back home-
I really enjoyed your playing by the way, especially the piano, it's real soothing
Thank you for the kind words, I like the style I play in. It's soothing for myself, a way to relax.
It's getting quite confusing to read my own replies properly. just respond to this form here on out and subsequently all current messages.
@FormalPsycho
Yes boss. I agree though, I was gonna start a new thread but forgot. You can cotinue your story at your own time as well (:
Over the span of the next few months, I never was able to erase her from my mind. This culminated in me reaching out to her just days before a full year had passed.
We rekindled our friendship and eventually I opened up to her about having feelings I couldn't lose. She was in a situationship with a man named Shawn at the time, nonetheless it was failing and I got to be her next situationship.
We had talked for three months before she cut me out, said to move on, but I didn't , I couldn't. I held on for months leaving bread crumbs on posts I made referencing her words and what I thought of her. Whether it be pictures of gifts she gave or quotes on how I waved at ambulances hoping she was there chasing her future, I never stopped caring.
@FormalPsycho
You held a lot of sentiment onto her I see. Did she ever contact you again?
I've wondered what the other person is like when a couple/situation splits. I have a totally different reaction. Just anecdotes.
Feel free to continue, I'm here
Months more had passed by, I had a trip planned to visit my birth mother for the first time in years. The day before I left, I stopped by what I thought was her house and left flowers, a mix tape, and several letters I wrote explaining I was down living in the past.
I didn't knock and instead texted her number on a burner, she thought I was one of her Ex's. I explained how sorry I was and gave her the address it was left at. I ceased talking then. A week had passed when she texted me on the burner, she said her thanks for the thoughtfulness and shared that she was dating the previous situationship now. I quit talking again, I know, very repetitive.
Days had passed and I woke up to several voice mails of her crying, she found out all I had done whilst she was away. I gave her a week to prove she wouldn't hurt me again, she only texted for an hour the first day. I gave her another chance and kept it going from there.
She broke up with Shawn because he was nothing but a drunk abuser. Besides the point it was on and off for a very long time, her dad and step mother got divorced, she moved out, lost friends, and I was always the last to know.
I had given her everything, even $1840 in parts just to make sure she could make do. I never asked for it back and insisted she kept it. This all culminated when I met her late at night somewhere random to hand her the last bits of cash she had asked for. She couldn't even trust me, she brought five friends. I couldn't take it anymore when I got home I completely broke down. I must've sent her 30 or so voice messages bawling my eyes out telling her every wrong doing she caused, every instance of abuse. She never replied.
I've had her blocked sense. I can't find sorrow or joy within our memories, but I still hold on to everything physical. I have a feeling the story isn't over, but for now I'll believe she's gone for good.
@FormalPsycho
Complex situation/ relationship. I guess I'm glad for you then, that she's out the picture. Sounds corny as *** but: hurt people, hurt people. I'd most probably breakdown about the lack of trust/money situation.
You still think about her?
I believe time heals, you just never know how long.
Thanks for trusting this stranger (me) with your story though.
I still think about her, I'll visit her *** from time to time just to see if she'll post a hidden message towards me. It's a terrible illusion.
@FormalPsycho
I do similar admittedly. Though I blocked all my ex’s social media, much to her disliking at the time. But guiltily, I still check our old messages. I sometimes look at the random messages she left me months apart, even after I stopped contact.
Stranger to stranger, I understand how you feel. While this may not be your situation exactly, I put it this way. It is not her body or personality I miss most, but the vulnerability instead.
@FormalPsycho
The intimacy brought on by vulnerability?
Yes, I suppose it can be interpreted that way.
What could you share with me this night?
What could I share about myself tonight- not sure, depends what you'd like to know. I'll answer if I'm willing.
I'm torn between sharing something deeper about myself but risk coming off as insufferably depressing or something lighthearted and it be wholly underwhelming. But I'm thinking too much before I drift off to sleep.
I've typed, untyped and retyped things about myself for a breath too long. Maybe that in itself says something about me.
But I'll catch you another time, sorry to leave you hanging. I'll revisit like before, no expectations on your end.
I enjoy you're way of writing, I find it similar to mine. I'm finding you to be an anxious person too afraid of what I think. Whether I'm right or wrong share what you will, I couldn't care how depressing your stories will be.
I want to help you open up. Tell me what you will, I am not a man of judgement or discrimination. I am simply here to listen and observe.
I was not notified of your response last night, I apologize for any doubts it might have caused. I enjoy our talks deeply, I await your response.
@FormalPsycho
Truthfully I write in different ways, and maybe it'll vary in future but when I'm retrospective I tend to write like this. And your observation is right on the nose haha.
I can be quite the anxious person. I do a lot to mask it in my day to day life, not a of people in my personal life care to remember I have an anxiety disorder. But eitherway, I appreciate your kind response. The past few nights I've come on it's been good company.
One thing though, I do not wish for or have the expectation for you to help me. I am pleasantly surprised by your openness. I think I was drawn when you said you had a cynical view of things, paraphrased of course, you mentioned it in the chatroom. I am quite the cynic but my outwad personality is a mix of dry british humour and being goofy. Any other instance and I come across as too serious, cold and bit chy.
I am quite guarded I suppose from previous relationships (in any capacity) online with people.
But the real meat of what I would like to express I'll save for later when we are both on.
I tend to censor myself as to not ward you away, there was some saying about bees and vinegar, but I'mnot one for saying besides my own.
I do agree it is good company, as compared to one user in the past, I think it changes my outlook slowly on the people here.
You'll have my attention until I say otherwise, meaning I expect to leave at some point, by which I will return. To summarize, do carry on with the "meat."
@FormalPsycho
I'm unfamiliar with that saying. We'll see how far eachothers censorship goes however.
Sometimes you meet some nice people here. There was one person I was friends with on here and we used to talk all the time off site but we drifted apart. A shame but maybe for the best.
Anyway- I've ended up spilling my guts, below:
I experience a lot of physical pain/ discomfort quite often, probably daily. I don't talk about it often because I just end up whining and no one likes a whiner. Literally only when it's debilitating, which I try to get under control but I get flare ups now and then. It drains me considerably. Chronic migraines I'm medicated for, otherwise I wouldn't be able to function. A sympton of a condition I have. Tinnitus, nausea, abdominal pains. All at once and I'd rather pass out. Maybe you get the picture. To be honest I appear to come across as healthy (despite being vertically challenged... short) but I guess I'm really not. I know I should get checked up again by a doctor but I've lost a lot of confidence in uk healthcare.
Lately the past few months these symptoms have cranked up and for a while I kept up with all my goals and desires but damn do I feel hit by a truck. The only thing people notice is that I've lost weight, I can't bring myself to eat properly recently. I don't like my coworkers comments about it, i just shift conversation away. But what's really eating away at me (for lack of better term) is none of my family notice. Could be that I'm being too reserved but it's been devistating truly if I'm to be honest about my feelings. I've stuck around for them through hard times and for the majority of 2025 have celebrated them.
I had to take the first week of january off just to disapear and go to a different city for a bit. The 15th is my birthday and I'm not sure what to do to distract myself, I'm unconvinced the people in my life will show up for me.
I'll hit send before I think further on it. A response is not expected, just a drained woman rambling at this point.
"A response is not expected"
Its curious for you to think I wouldn't, I understand your sentiments and worries about family not worrying. The self censorship starts now when I admit I too had problems opening up, be honest with people about whats going on. In my experience there is a force within my mind that prevents me from opening up. I have labeled this force "Johnathan Harding."
I've grown to personify this other mental half. Now there is myself and I. I don't know what the truth is anymore whether this other half is real, so I've choose to ignore each half whilst I play the part.
This disease I carry, I don't know how else to put it. It is not struggle or advantage, just another task.
Rant aside, you've opened up, I hope you grow comfortable with it as I have. I wish I could help you, but I am merely a voice within your head originating from a screen. My many sympathies to you, something I rarely give.
Thank you for sharing, I will be here the rest of the night, no more interruptions on my end. As you have shared, what would you like me to share, any question you like.
I am growing more comfortable as my thoughts sink in. Cliche as it is, hadn't really figured I held on to that much. You've let me let go a bit which is nice.
I do wonder in Johnathan Harding is just a name preference of a reference I undoubtingly won't get.
I thank you for your care but I'll have to ask you to refrain before we both break character. I see you stranger. I respect your gentleness.
Now back to our 20 questions. I assume you're from North America? I wonder on a lighter note, maybe you are a fan of pop culture, at least in your own respective genres. Besides books and music- movies has to balance the trifecta.
I wouldn't say I adore pop culture, though I do keep up to date with my terminology. I do not watch many modern movies, usually only the ones most talked about. For example I had just watched pulp fiction last month, I rarely have time for movies anyway.
Yes, my name is has several small personal references, the larget of which come from Dale Harding. A character in "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."
In the book I found Dale's vocabulary and choice of words to be extensive, and to spoil the novel slightly, he chose to be on at the mental institution on purpose. He could leave anytime he wanted, yet he remained.
My question now for you, Stranger: How old will you be?
In case you feel it's too personal, here is a backup: How was your day?
I had also forgot to mention, my birthday is on the 25th.
Johnathan Harding is not my real name, my last name came from Dale's.
My birthday is on the 25th of this month, I will be 19. I'm awfully curious how old you thought I was.
And my apologies for not responding sooner, I wasn't notified. I always feel disappointed in myself when I'm late, I will be honest, I've been rather eager these days for a response.
I am surprised actually, I had thought you were older than me. For a moment I was going to be self conscious. You hold yourself with matured reservation. But I don't view it in a bad way.
Funny enough, I find your age is a bit endearing. And that is not meant in a condesceding way.
You don't need to apologise for a late response.
But do forgive my typos, I trust you understand my words
Endearing...
When I was on the other ward (teen side) they always accused me of being over 50. Not many people liked me there, I was always quick to call out anyone who was lying or fishing for pity. I was banned quite often, I've been more tame for a while now.
What do you do for work? You have me awfully curious.
Yes, but that's just habit. I view any/ most people younger than myself as endearing. I am biased and give younger and much older people more grace. It's a soft spot.
I may adapt certain ways I choose how I talk now but nothing to slate you. I wonder if you must think I'm old in comparrison.
Also I don't do anything special. I'm a restaraunt AM in an upscale area.
I figure you may be a student?
No, I'm preparing for the Air Force in March. I've yet to enlist or take the asvab, it is merely a thought of action currently.
I view you as just another person, I thought you were a tad younger, but you look around my age in your profile. I dont think anyone over 30 would link a low quality funky town video.
I used to work as a tire specialist for a few months, I got fired after calling everyone out on their ***. A common theme of mine.
Th mechanic always cheated on his wife, the AM always scammed people, my boss always lied to me, and my other coworkers had serious egos.
I did similar when I was a teen. I don't call people out though, even if insufferable, they simply bore me online. but the annoyance is understandable and mutual. I keep my tongue held otherwise I'd be insensitive.
How do you find the older crowd?
It's fine, I find nothing really exciting happens here. Deep conversations rarely ever form, it's difficult to fit in here.
Starting a new thread, to not get buried. In resonse to:
"No, I'm preparing for the Air Force in March. I've yet to enlist or take the asvab, it is merely a thought of action currently.
I view you as just another person, I thought you were a tad younger, but you look around my age in your profile. I dont think anyone over 30 would link a low quality funky town video.
I used to work as a tire specialist for a few months, I got fired after calling everyone out on their ***. A common theme of mine.
Th mechanic always cheated on his wife, the AM always scammed people, my boss always lied to me, and my other coworkers had serious egos."
The air force in admirable, whether you decide to go ahead with it or not. I wanted to join the royal navy as a teen but didn't pursue it. Whatever you do, I hope it pans out.
And I just snorted, I forgot I had the youtube link, I haven't looked at my profile in a while. Must of done that when I was 20? And I'm maybe 21-22? in the profie pic. I have a baby face to be honest.
Anyway, I'm impressed at being a tire specialist. And seems like you call it as you see it. Even though you got sacked just make sure you have something lined up or create a safety net.
A baby face? I can't see it that way.
I've always been good with my hands, I'm specializing in electronic repair. I can almost fix anything now. Currently practicing with video game repair, I work at a local video game stall at a flee market. I used to do audio equipment however I quit last week, didn't like my boss. I suppose I do have problems with authority.
I'm glad my humor has advanced, can I even call it my humor? It was your own joke that made you laugh, I just pointed it out. Anyway, apologies if you were to send a second response to my second thread.
From my lived experience it's been said to me enough times. I appreciate you don't however. But I digress.
You've got a good skill there by the way, transferable to many trades/ professions. And I'm getting a picture for challenging authority, not necessarily bad.
And your humour is your own, even if unintentional. You've mentioned the topic a few times. I appreciate the dry and absurd personally.
Please do respond, but I'll have to shoot off. I do in fact have early plans, not tired but know I will be at some point.
Thank you for tonight, genuinely. I don't believe I've divulged the weight I've been feeling. You stay safe Stranger.
Thank you as well, I must be going early too. Im rather tired, until our next talk, I will be waiting eagerly.
I hope all is well, not to convey a sense of worry from myself. I'll be up for a while in case you log on.
Hey. Sorry I kept you waiting.
"Kept you waiting, huh?"
No apologies needed.
Is everything alright?
You mentioned you'd be waiting.
Just woke up a bit ago in the middle of the night. Figured I'd hop on.
Mellowing out, just made tea.
How've you been/ what're you up to?
I never was a fan of tea, I've been restless the past couple of hours. So I've been looking at scraps on my work bench to pass the time.
Last couple of years I've grown to like tea.
Finally fully assimilating my nationalism (a bad joke)
What kind of scraps by the way? Looking to make/ fix something?
Game Cube, I've been looking at for a while. I bit the bullet and ordered some parts, im not entirely sure they'll fix it, but for six bucks it's worth a try.
How was your day, Stranger?
I see, well I'm finished now if you care for a chat?
Sure. Though I might go back to sleep in some time. Apologies for spaced out replies
I don't mind, someday I would like to open a lostemer account to reach out to you there. I'm not notified anymore when you reply, I have to manually check. I don't mind the added effort however.
To continue our 20 questions, do you dream often?
I'm not actually sure what that is, I'll have to look it up. And I'm in the same boat, I just refresh the page every few minutes.
And I'd say I have a 50/50 chance of dreaming, it's either very the very self aware "I know that I'm in a dream" type of thing or just abstract kaleidescope patterns with a falling sensation. Otherwise I don't remember them.
What about you?
I made a terrible typo, I meant to say listener. My hands had other plans.
I've never had a lucid dream, I used to be obsessed with them. As for regular dreams, they rarely come anymore.
On a side note, do you need any music tonight?
Oh! I see. You have no obligation, plus you'd see how slow I type.
What genre do you practice?
I don't care for how slow you type. As long as you text I'm quite fine.
Perhaps you are more susceptible. I've quit trying to lucid dream years ago now. Maybe one day I'll try again, I don't see the point in it anymore.
On an unrelated my days have been absolutely boring, dryer than a dessert. Only thing I've been looking forward to is our chats.
I'm not sure the specific genre. I just look up the songs I like. Not a very helpful answer.
I don't think your reference is terrible, certainly better than the majority I've seen.
You should’ve sent it, I'd be glad to give it a listen.
It is rather late stranger, I must get some rest. Thank you for talking tonight, you try to rest as well.
Het Stranger
https://vocaroo.com/1n9mOhY7nsPe
This is from last night, now I'm listening back to it- it's quite cringey
But thought why not
I can't find it cringe, you sound different than you did in my head. I've been working all day on my electronics, finally have a free moment.
How has your day been, Stranger?
Hey Stranger,
You're kind, though I'm not sure what you had in your head. I figure I'll leave your voice to be elusive to me unless otherwise.
How was yesterday, any success with your electronics?
Yesterday was ok. My brother pulled through and came by. Went to a steakhouse, drank some and ended up confiding in him.
But enough about me. How've you been? and what've you been up to?
I've been fine, Stranger. Maybe some day I'll be comfortable to share my voice.
Great success yesterday, I was up far too late however. Seems to be the same tonight, I'm heading back home from a pub. The band there was pretty okay, a little too loud as my ears are still ringing.
Today was decent, worked a ton, as such I'm tired. The kicker being the insomnia.
You hadn't mention anything of today. Why is that? Was today simply boring?
Well there's no pressure for you share your voice either way.
Also, maybe a bit ignorantly, I didn't realise the US had pubs so much like the UK does. I think I figured there is more of a bar scene than pubs. But I'm glad you enjoyed the band even if too loud. What kind of music was it by the way?
I just hope rest finds you- even when you tire yourself insomia still feeds off of the residual energy from that. Well in my case it does.
And no specific reason I didn't mention today. I was initially responding to yesterday's message and it was fresher in my mind. Today was long, full hire venue in evening, juggling clientele and staff. Nothing particularly.
I see, it does sound like a boring day.
The band played a whole assortment of genres, mostly popular tunes.
I've been listening to more of that album, "Bundles." Specifically "The Man Who Waved at Trains." The horn section sets a very somber mood.
News tonight in an hour
I know I'm late but tell me anyway.
(I struggled to find the forum with the UI)
This place is most confusing.
I fear I have gone mad, strange events have been occurring that can't possibly be true.
While at the fair with my family on Saturday, I saw someone who looked just like abby. Of course it wasn't her, but I still stared for a while, she was an older, woman late 40's yet she looked almost exactly like abby.
It put me off for the night, I tried not to think much of it. I wondered if she really did look like her, or if my mind was lying to myself.
Then came Monday, I had a date with someone then. The only relevant part was the preserve I planned on taking her to.
There were two different lots, the main lot where all the out of state visitors would go, and an obscured entrance on a back road that you couldn't find on a GPS.
When I arrived, I awoke my date and said we were here. We talked for a while until she pointed out someone was pulling into the empty lot where we were. They had stopped their car for a second then continued to drive on. We continued on talking for a while, then the car came back and pulled into the lot.
It was Abby and Shawn, I'm almost sure of it. I swear it was them. Shawn walked around and kissed abby, she pushed him away and laughed.
I told my date that was her, that was the girl. She understood how I felt in the moment. I slammed into reverse and aggressively rocked the throttle to get out of there.
There's a few details that don't add up however, for starters the car was a new model 24 or 25. I don't know how they could afford it, unless Shawn borrowed it from his parents. Second detail, why were they there? They could've gone on the main lot, and why then? It makes no sense, but I was absolutely sure it was her. Third detail, why am I suddenly starting to see her? I don't understand any of it, surely it cant be real.
Anyways, I've talked too long and this has been weighing on my mind for a while.
You haven't talked too long. I just truthfully haven't been around.
Sometimes we see people when they're not really there. Doesn't make us mad in anyway it's just residuals from memories, instances, familiarities and our minds play tricks.
But about the actual sighting, I couldn't tell you. Maybe it was purposefully done and an act to make you feel a certain way. Or by chance maybe.
How did the rest of your date go? Or did that ruin the rest of the mood as well?
Talk soon stranger
The rest of the date went fantastic, I have another one tomorrow. In fact, tomorrow is also my birthday.
You never talk anymore.
Happy Birthday!
I do remember it's your Birthday, I've been remembering it since you mentioned it. And also because I'm working an event today on it. But happy 19th, genuinely.
Either way, I hope you have a good time today, and also that the date goes well today also.
And in terms of me not talking as much, I dony have much an answer. I've been low, when I couldn't find the forum, admittedly I went in the chatrooms to look for you. On the plus side I've been talking to someone, just a talking stage right now but it's nice.
Thank you for remembering. I hope this event you are working gone smoothly, as well as with this man. Do keep me updated.
Its unfortunate the UI prevents you from finding the forum. I don't have any hatred for you being late. Anyways, I don't have much to say. In a rush to get ready for the day.
Ahh enjoy the date!
And I've just finished the event, went by smoothly, very easy going crowd as well as coordinator.
And it's a woman I'm talking to currently. It's going well for now.
I didn't believe you did hate me.
Anyway, keep me posted Stranger. Enjoy the rest of your day.
I see.
Date went well. Finally home. I need to rest.
Today is a special day, she will never know why.
All I feel is anger towards her, I have been questioning what to do.
I could message her again, but that action is rather toxic.
I could post something with another quote to her, but that action is relapsing.
I could forget her, but that action is rather fruitless.
So I have decided I will do nothing.
It's been a year since we started talking. Shame she never realized the day.
Clearly I held her of higher importance than she did to me.
Hey, it's really been a minute. I can only apologise but I might end up disappearing again for a bit. I tend to do that.
Genuinely, however. How've you been. Any update since your last message of February 2nd. Do you guys still talk?
Anyway, I'm popping by to say hey. And I still read everything you post.
Hello, Stranger. I never expected to hear from you.
"Suprised to hear you say...."
Yes, why if you must go I suppose I'll wait.
Me and my date are doing well, we're together officially now, she moved to Montana a few weeks ago but we're making it work.
Sometimes I think of you, an outlier, something that wasn't suppose to be relevant. It did however, I don't know if I should be suprised.
You yourself said long ago there was a girl, whatever happened to her?
You help me feel more in touch with my older self, I am appreciative. So thank you for today.
I do hope you don't dissappear, if only you could stay. Alas I understand the need for migration.
It's all a ramble now, but I hope you do come back.
Hey Stranger. I'm sort of relieved for a somewhat positive response back. I was half worried you'd be indifferent.
I'm glad you hear about you becoming official with this girl though. I wonder if this will become long distance however, I forget if you told me where you were based? No need to divulge if you don't want to though.
And I'm curious, you refer to an older self? I'm glad my company brings some comfort. I missed your company as well. How we communicate.
Also I don't mind your ramble.
Things with me and that girl are a little rocky. It's positive for the most part but I have some reservations. I'm seeing how things go. But I have an impending feeling that I am far too pessimistic and that's just my nature. Maybe there's a maturity gap. I'm mainly assessing as I'm coming off of a recent conflict. We are not official, my heads a bit messed up regarding her.
Otherwise things are ok. Up and down.
Anyway, get back to me when you can. I hope my replies become closer together.
Take care of yourself Stranger
I try to come on once a night, pessimism isn't exactly a bad trait to have, and I do apologize if things don't work out.
My older self wasn't as, open, more thoughtful, considerate. I can't even be bothered to be aware of my own surroundings, so as you see, I do quite miss my old self.
There is a sense of dread, I'm far off from abby, lots of special dates coming up. Tonight she liked my post, I wonder why.
Anyway, don't feel obliged to keep up. I won't view you any less for taking the time for yourself.
Maybe it's food for thought on who/ how you want to be then. Or maybe you're just going through a period where all of that seems like too much, hence not being bothered.
Its been radio silence all day from beyond the way, abby viewed my story, but not the second one. Maybe for a day she missed me, I'm sure I'm safe for now.
Anyways, how has your day been, Stranger?
Safe for now?
And my day has been alright. It's been quite busy tonight at work. I got off some time ago but I had a drink with a colleague before heading home, blasting some tunes on the terrace a singing. Mostly the 3 songs that have been stuck in my head today. It was just that kind of vibe. But I'm winding down now.
I hadn't seen this last night, I trying to sleep on time again. Haven't been able to in weeks. Strange considering how exhausted I was just a few hours ago. Anyway, how was this day, Stranger?
Hello tonight, I hope you can find it.
It's been a minute
It certainly has been, I must say, im rather interested in your life, last i remember you worked as a waiter of sorts and were talking to a new girl?
Kind of, I'm a restaraunt manager, more on the junior side. Actually just negotiated a pay rise.
I was talking to this girl Leah for a bit, we never really made anything official, in her words "just someome your dating" but that's a whole bag of worms. I ended things after a while, just not compatible in my opinion, different life stages, I found her too immature and so on. I felt the age difference massively.
To be candid I'm a little bit tipsy so I'm trying to regulate what I'm saying a bit. But gosh did she really mess with my head there for a bit.
Anyway, that's just to preface
@Stanlee00
I see. what would you really want to talk about tonight? I've never quite gotten over the idea of being a supportive figure for you.
I suppose it was your idea to begin with, though I just view you as a friendly stranger confidant. I do typically hate if something were to see one sided, but I kind of enjoy not being so overly casual with you. Though I did ike when we shared music and such. Do with that want you may or share your thoughts.
I guess what I want to talk about it that I'm bogged down at the moment. I have good things in my life and generally a strong mindset but I have this familial pressure and my own personal image issues bringing me down I suppose. Sort of old news. I'm a bit ashamed to believe my issues seem vain.
My brother's birthday is coming up, seems like a trigger recently. It's his 30th, he's pretty non-involved in that agenda. It's my mother really, past 2 months she's been harping at me about organising something special to celebrate a milestone birthday for him. Every suggest was shot down with maybes and she'd look into it later. I finally booked a reservation at an upscale asian place in a well to do area, she likes that. But only after so much back and forth over small details, that I looked into. I have got him a gift and she's mad because she was planning to get the same thing, but no communication on that? I love the woman but she's seriously stressed me out, it's most of what she talks to me about lately. I've just got reservations about putting in effort that's not matched or a fair reciprocation. There's a silent dismisivness which has festered that's all.
Personal image wise, with a customer facing role I'm somewhat forced to have a certain appearance which is understandable in some respects but I am just ever more conscious of how I look to people. I have been avoiding my own reflection lately. Appetite down again. Petty, vain things to be honest.
Took a whike to think through this response.
Forgive my spelling/ grammar mistakes, I trust you still understand me
@Stanlee00
While much younger, I can understand your troubles. Take it from a friendly stranger your issues are not vain. I care enough to listen and provide feedback. I understand the situation around consulting with your mother and her being so picky. In similar events I think to myself, "You must have a damn good plan already if nothing is good enough for you." I know it can be frustrating but I'm sure you'll be feeling better at the party.
appetite wise, I truly feel bad for you. I wish I had solutions instead of condolences, but it's the best I could offer.
I hope you find your way and feel better soon someday, it's what we all deserve, Stranger. I really have had missed these chats.
Oh believe me I have much ruder thoughts but this was to put it tamely. Simply in it's rawest form, I'm hurt. It extends past the current events and more to do with behaviour. But, I'm sure it'll pass. She's staying over at my place for that night too. I'm half tempted to drink a bit that day to be more relaxed, but that's not a healthy way to tackle things. Mind over matter I suppose.
And to be honest, it's ok. I don't have an expectation from you, Stranger. I think, I'd hope at least, there's a mutual understanding that we're both human and have sometimes related situations,thoughts, feelings,nuances, empathy, dissonance and so forth. But thank you. You don't need to be sorry. I missed these chats too.
@Stanlee00
We're only human after all. Some music I've been meaning to share with you, "Friends And Strangers" by Ronnie Laws is a good song, the album as a whole is pretty good.
I added it to the ending to a final letter to Abby, "If you are really sorry for the pain you've caused then you should understand. We can be friends and strangers, just until I'm ready to meet you again."
As you could guess, she didn't understand. In her defense, it was her birthday and none of her "friends" could go hang out with her. She decided to go to a local park, the same one I thought I saw her at. She Only decided to go because in my letter I asked if it was her I had seen. It wasn't.
Anyway, she got what she deserved in the end. She's alone, desperate for someone, and doesn't know where to go. Just the way she left me.
Sometimes I even feel sad for her, but I can say I'm completely over her. I've finally thrown out all her stuff. She has no control of me.
Currently listening to it now. I can see why you like it, I do as well. First time hearing it however.
I guess things had to come to a somewhat finally conclussion for you. Seemed like an endless back and forth but ultimately, I might be on the extreme end, I've always thought getting rid of anything to do with that person is best to move on. Though I personally can be a little dramatic and throw stuff in the trash without giving it more thought so I don't have to dwell on it.
Good for you. To your regained control. Be gentle with yourself.
Let's talk again, not sure how soon. I'm going to try and rest.
Hey Stranger, I have an update for you and figured I'd share.
I'm meeting my baby sister for the first time in over a decade tomorrow morning. Incredibly short notice, I only found out this evening but I'm looking forward. I just want to make a good first impression, haven't seen her since she was a literal baby.
It'll be a long day tomorrow for sure. Voting in the early morning. Traveling to her hotel, having a family breakfast? From what I gather. It'll probably be a little awkward but that's ok. Then going to for for the afternoon/ evening.
I figured I'd share. Feeling different emotions about it I suppose.
Anyway, I do hope you're well. Let me know how you are when you have a moment.
Take care of yourself out there.