Space to talk with @Tinywhisper11

@Tinywhisper11

What? I didn't know that. So you can move only your head and right arm. 

I hope you'll get back your feeling in your left side! 

You're so strong for going through all of this. And you also manage to help people and spread kindness. 

I hope one day I'll be able to have the same mindset as you. 

I just tend to grow bitter and resentful at the world but it's not a great feeling. 

I'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now and it's complicated to see a way out. 

Tomorrow I will take an appointment with a psychiatrist though because now I need to do the hard things because if I don't change things nothing will change you know. 

So unfortunately I'll have to force myself to go to this appointment as it is for my highest good. 

Apart from that I also called a nice acquaintance that I met this summer. She's super nice and gave me a lot of practical advice for life. 

She also is the one that convinced me to try again to see a psychiatrist /therapist. 

I can't call her a friend though. She's 12 years older than me and is more like a big sister to me. 

I'm just sad I can't live with her. 

But she already struggles a lot financially so she can't have me at her place. 

All the people I know struggle financially and can't help me either. 

My life became a huge mess at the end of this summer. 

At first, I got really triggered by a girl at Starbucks. Which used to be my safe place. 

At first everything seemed nice and she asked me what I was doing if I go there often and stuff like that. 

And then she started to vent and tell me how she tried to off herself 4 times and whatever. 

It triggered me so much I couldn't stop crying for hours. 

My parents obviously showed no sign of support and thankfully some acquaintances back then helped me to calm down a bit but it wasn't enough and the damage was done. 

Then at the end of the summer, new upstairs neighbors moved in and made my life ***. 

They have a little kid and are super noisy themselves. 

I was used to a quiet place because the previous tenant was an old calm lady. 

I can't say that it triggered me but it made me already extremely on edge nervous system feel worse. 

I was so stressed out all the time and couldn't even sleep because of it. 

By the way this was the second apartment of my dad not my own. 

I tried to talk to him about it, but as you know, with my dad, you can't expect any help, compassion or empathy whatsoever. 

So I blew up. Couldn't hold it in anymore and took my bag and went away. 

The thing is I had no place to stay except for an acquaintance house. 

I stayed there for 3 days and then decided to go to my mom's house. 

Because I physically just can't go back to the other apartment. 

And now I feel so bad after all these transitions and my mom is triggering me really bad. 

The problem is not even what happened, the problem is how all the situation has been handled by my parents. They did nothing that's how they handled it. 

Just took a step back and observed. And they did this my entire life! It started especially in my teenage hood from 13 years old. 

They weren't involved or anything. 

Just plain neglect. 

That's why I ended up in a gap year now. I don't know if you know what that is. 

It's basically a year off between high school and university. 

I DID NOT want to take one. 

But because my last year of high school was so messy and my parents couldn't care less about my future I ended up concentrating only on my exams without thinking about the future. 

I decided to take a gap year to put things in order and catch up on some skills I lack in order to study math and physics at university. 

I'm so upset at how *** everything was handled. 

My parents are like 7 years old kids in adult costumes. 

And now my dad is putting the blame on me and telling me he did everything he could. 

I sometimes get so jealous of people who have their parents support because they can go so much further in life than me. 

It's saddening to see how my life has become because of their neglect. 

I was such a talented kid and could have had a great future and career! 

I feel so robbed! 

I just want to have someone that will care and love me. Why is it so hard to find?! 

So right now my situation sucks. 

I'm at my moms' place triggered a'd she keep being neglectful. 

My dad keeps being the same neglectful and passive parent letting things go bad without intervening and helping me. 

I have to follow a physics course online because I need to catch up on some skills but because of the whole situation I am so stressed out and struggle to keep up. 

I already had to turn in one assignment but I didn't and now I have to catch up super fast. 

I tried to talk to my parents about college applications but they couldn't care less either. 

I really want to go to college but have no idea how I'll be able to achieve it on my own. 

I wish I at least had one person that would help me. 

It's so upsetting when you're all on your own. 

Yes I do thankfully have the internet and can learn things from there. 

But it's not replacing human connections in real life. 

So that's everything that happened to me lately. 

I have no idea how I will get out of tho hole that I'm in. 

It seems pretty hopeless. 

The only chance I have is to apply to uni at all cost in a foreign country and move far away. 

But I need first to pass my physics course (with good grades) and to gather all the documents for my college applications which is very time consuming. 

I'm gonna go now for a walk to clear my mind a bit. 

I'm gonna show you the pictures when I come back.