space to talk with @sadcat13
Hi!! Hope you're doing great! You've been so supportive of me and so kind and i wanted to thank you for this. It really means a lot! You're such a nice person and i would like to chat with you and get to know you better😁 if you want ofc
@schrodingerscattt oooo hiiiiiii 😊 yessss i would love to. I didn´t expect this 😊 How are you today?
@sadcat13
I'm ok I guess. I'm going back into a pretty bad depressive episode but I have no choice apart from keeping going as there's no one there to help me😭 I just wish that one day I will have a person that will genuinely care about me and help me from time to time. I'm also pretty worried about Tinywhisper11, she hasn't been answering my messages on our thread and I'm so so worried. I also didn't realize how much she made me happy and now I just feel empty and sad(even more than usual)
And you how are you doing?
@schrodingerscattt
I also wanted to say that there seem to be a time zone difference between us. I'm in CET by the way.
@schrodingerscattt I think we both seem to be CET (I have 13:10 rn for reference, Slovakia) but I have a messed up sleep schedule as i wake up between 12-14:00 and go to bed at 3 or 4 😂 also I'm an afternoon/evening shift worker so it doesn't do much to change my sleep cycle as that's when my job needs me. My early shifts start at noon and ends at 18:00 And later are like 16:00-21:00 (I work shorter times due to health not being able to take full time yet but slowly building my tolerance and already raised from 5 to 6 h at a time). Also I'm kind of a runner by position so I work irregular times for now (although we want to up my contract as soon as possible) so they always tell me when they need someone in a location and I go there and work there for the day. But it also means they don't need me everyday what is currently working good for me as it helps me to restore my health both mentally and physically. So maybe I don't make that much, but I'm working on it and being very needed to fill in as other part timers have other duties and can only take weekends and even then just sometimes and as I don't have any other responsibilities like school or second job, I can come any time and any day. It just results in an untypical schedule as I'm not forced to wake up like a normal person 😂
@sadcat13
Oh ok. That's great that you still show up for yourself!
@schrodingerscattt I see you are having a very hard time. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you. I'm here for you and ready to listen. Don't be afraid to tag me any time you need to talk. You deserve to be heard and supported and I will try my best for you. 😊 Wanna tell me what's making your mental state worse lately?
I see there is a problem with Tiny. I'm worried about her too. It seems like she is having a hard time lately. According my last info, she is being triggered a lot and has a very bad time. I hope she is okay and is just taking a little self care time and will be back soon. There is sadly nothing we can do until then, just wait for her to return. I hope she will be back soon, cups is not the same without her🌻
I'm having a harder time lately too, having a lot of migraines due to my neck. It just gets stuck randomly and makes me be in pain for days. So I'm either at work or at home with migraine. It seems to be better today, so let's hope I did enough in the last few days. I also took a small self care break from my responsibilities on cups as I had a lot going on (aka unpaid insurance issues due to system lagg and had to handle taxes I never did before that immensely stressed me out+ started my off season allergy treatment. This all made my ED and OCD worse) so had a lot of things that were making me anxious and stressed. Luckily the issues are resolved now and the stress is going away just need to keep my break a bit longer to make sure I'm rested properly. And well, deal with eye pain, my neck and treatment side effects, but that should be easier now so hoping to be back to my role and activities soon. 😊
@sadcat13
I'm not doing ok lately. It feels like my body is giving up after the horrible abuse i went through. Everything hurts and i am constantly in pain( both physical and emotional) I don't even have tears left anymore. I think my true self died about four years ago. It was when the abuse started. I was never the same since. It's so painful. Existence is painful. But i'm trying my best to hold on.
I started to feel much worse when Lola stopped replying. She was literally my only reason to be happy and to keep going. I feel so empty without talking to her. From her last posts it seems like she had a lot of things going on and that she wasn't doing ok. I'm also worried for her physical pain because when we were talking she told me her chest was hurting.. I just hope she's ok. Cups is not cups without her.
Sorry if i reply late but i am not doing great at all, so whenever i feel a bit of energy i use it to respond to messages.
It will be a miracle if i make it to be honest😭But miracles can happen right?
@schrodingerscattt it´s ok. You can take all the time you need to reply, i will find it. I see you have a lot going on. It´s ok to feel the way you do. Lola is a good friend to you. She is a real sunshine, and i see why you miss her so hard. I hope she will be back to cups soon 🌻 And don´t worry. You will make it. You got this far, you will totally make it further. Would you like to tell me more about the abuse you are experiencing?
@sadcat13
I talk about Lola a lot but she really has been such an amazing friend!! We were talking almost everyday! I really got used to her!
Thank you so much for listening to me! I also really appreciate you mentioning in your posts! It's so sweet❤️
I don't really wanna talk about it for now. But maybe when i feel more secure i will share it with you. But i don't wanna burden you with it. It's pretty heavy stuff😕
@schrodingerscattt yes i remember you had a lot of fun with Lola, and i´m great she is such a good influence on you and your mood. I hope she will be ok soon 🌻
Sure. Just want to make sure you have the space to talk yourself out if you need to. Also don´t worry, i´m used to heavy stuff, both from my bf and having almost gone insane myself a few years ago. So i don´t think it i can be surprised, so don´t worry about it and feel free to vent when you need to or feel comfortable doing so 😊
And yessss I tagged my friends because i think it would be such a cute idea to have a cups photo of all of us together 😊
@sadcat13
Thank you for being here for me💗 I don't feel like venting for now, but i will do so whenever i feel ready.
The group photo is such a good idea by the way. I'm thankful for this app to have meet all of you. I had some bad encounters on here unfortunately, but much more good ones. So the positive outweighs the negative😁
How are you doing today?
@schrodingerscattt yesss. Im looking forward to it ☺️ glad you have more positive then negative experiences here 🌻 I'm currently on my way home from my shift, tired but omg. Thanks God I was on another location cause in one of ours someone literally stole money from the register and it was a pretty big sum. Thanks God it was not on my watch I would get a heart attack on the spot.
Hi. I'm not doing ok right now. I'm so upset. I'm gonna cry of anger. Nothing seems to work out lately. I don't have a good luck these past few months. But i hope it will get better. It has to. I am trying. Everybody says that if you try hard enough, it will work out. I want it to work out. I will like such a weak person. I can't control my emotions at all and they get the best of me. But that's due to trauma tho. So i don't really think it's my fault. But them it's me who's not happy. I'm just so upset i can't do the things i want to because of my trauma. So many people are moving forward and i'm here like a *** idiot. I'm a f joke! How am i even supposed to achieve something in this life if i am so average.
@schrodingerscattt oh. I see you are having a hard time. It's ok to be angry. If you need to cry, let it out. The things that happened to you are unfair and shouldn't have happened. You are a victim of circumstances here, and it is unfair that it is up to you to fix the damage you never did on the first place. Recovery and dealing with trauma can be very hard. But don't forget, you are not alone. I can totally confirm the behind and stuck in life part from own experience, and I know at least one person just in my immediate circles who is experiencing it too 🌻 your feelings are valid and you are not alone in this 🌻
@sadcat13
I have a feeling that my parents failed me and destroyed my chances for a good and successful life. It's so sad. I was such a happy and full of dreams kid! I was so excited for the future!! I was so excited to share my passions and hobbies with my parents and they were constantly dismissing it! Constantly! Every time I needed them to help me they weren't there. I felt always so alone and emotionally abandoned. They were not supportive of me doing activities. They were basically like robots who fed me, gave me clothes and THAT IS IT. Literally nothing more. No compassion, empathy, love, affection, care. I was never hugged. I was never told I love you. I was cursed at and told I will never achieve anything. I was so galighted in the damn family, that they made me feel like I'm the crazy one. They made me think I AM CRAZY FOR SIMPLY BEING SAD OVER NOT HAVING ANY CONNECTION WITH THEM. They even mocked me for saying so!!! I was always the lonely kid with no friends and no social skills. My dad had no friends whatsoever and my mother came from another country and never adapted, so she was friendless too. We never were invited anywhere and we were never inviting anyone.
We lived so isolated. But it was kinda ok when I was a kid. It got much worse when I was around 13. I tried so desperately to have a connection with my dad but he was and still is so emotionally immature. He is dismissing of my emotions and just EVERYTHING I say. He is not even trying to have a connection with me. Like WTF. I am your only child and you are not Eben trying to talk to me on a deeper level? Don't you have anything more exciting to talk to than economics, politics, or the weather?? I was a kid. And he was complaining to me about inflation! What? And then when I was trying to talk to him about things that matter to me, he was telling me that it's childish! I was never allowed to have my own opinion, or even have a say at all in any decisions. I had to just agree otherwise it would end up in huge blow ups. But I wasn't very accommodating to him, as I always had a strong personality and hated when he didn't care about my opinion so we had many fights. He even once mocked my volunteering mission. It hurt so bad. I was basically treated as a house plant!
My mother is a whole other story and I don't even wanna start talking about it.
My childhood was bad. Just very bad. It sucks. It sucks so much. I just want to be loved by someone. I want unconditional love!!!!!!!!!!!
I am tired of perfoing to earn their love😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I wanna be loved for who I am! Not just a role.
I am done of them seeing me as a two dimensional figure with nothing else. I am much more than my education!
*** them.
They are ***.
I wanted for such a long time to have a boyfriend to *** love me. But then I realized it won't do the thing. And I need to help myself first.
It's even worse. I just need someone to love me and *** care for me.
I'm sorry I never swear that much but I'm so mad and really not coping well.
@schrodingerscattt
I need to read Adult children of Emotionally immature parents by Lindsay C. Gibson so bad. It applies to my situation a looot. But I am scared it would be triggering. Have you read this book by any chance?
@schrodingerscattt I never read it sadly, this is the first time I'm hearing about it so can't provide my oppinion on it. But I would suggest you check it out in a library instead of buying it. This way, you can check it on the spot and look around it checking a part here and there and decide if you feel ready to try it. Also, having it from library will save you a lot of money and if you decide to borrow it and find you are not ready to read it yet/it is triggering later, you can always return it and it won't haunt you in your room and try again some other time when you feel ready.🌻
@schrodingerscattt I'm so sorry you went through this all. It was unfair. A child needs emotional connection just as much as it needs food and clothes, maybe even more. I'm so sorry your parents are such a horrible People. You deserve better and you don't have to prove anything to anyone. You deserve care and support and someone to meet you where you are at. Your feelings are valid and they can *** off. It's ok to grieve the things that never happened. Loneliness and isolation are horrible, and they are absolutely double bad for a child. It is not your fault your parents never bothered to make connections with people or socialise. And I see that you had a lot of dreams that got stomped upon. I'm deeply sorry. It shouldn't have happened. Do you have a chance to get out of there? Like maybe choose a school that needs you to live in a dorm, or go as an exchange student somewhere for a semester? I think if you have an option to do so, it could do you good to be removed from the environment and have some space to figure things out without their toxicity around.
@sadcat13
I want to go to college to another country. I'm still in hs. Here hs is up to 19 years. I can't wait until I go out of this horrible place. I really hope I will be able to achieve my dreams in the future ❤️
@schrodingerscattt that's great that you have time to decide and go! Absolutely go somewhere where you can't live at home, you will see how it will do wonders to your mental health 🌻 keep this goal in mind when things get hard. You just have to make it long enough to get accepted anywhere far enough to get a dorm or a roommate arrangement. You got this 🌻
Thank you! It's really hard right now but i got this! I have to do it for myself!
@schrodingerscattt yess. Things may be hard right now, but this is not how it will be forever. It will pass and one day you will totally be grateful to past you (aka you now) that you tried so hard and did so much to get where you are 😊 I believe in you and you got this 😊
Hi! How are you doing?
I'm still so worried about Lola. But I'm hoping for the best. She probably needs some time to rest and she will be back, spreading kindness and love on cups.
Oh and by the way, I finally get new posts on my home page of cups. I literally thought I was the only one. It was on top of all really unpleasant, because it was a reminder of how bad my holidays were.
I also wanted to ask you, have you ever had this feeling, when you know you deserve better but here you are, lonely and hurt and lost?
I feel lost at sea. I mean, yeah, college, good grades. Cool. But happiness wise, it's non-existent. I want to live! I don't want to barely make it through the day😕
Do you have any ideas of songs that can help me through this hard time? I already listened for 30 times today my favorite go to song and it doesn't have the same effect anymore😭
I'm not coping well. I just need my bestie back. How much I wish it was possible to go and meet her in real life. I just wanna give her the biggest hug everrr.
But I'm trying to eat and sleep well. It's the only happy thing I have in my life. A good meal and sleep. But I have some basics needs met at least.
Still so unfair what I went through but oh well.
It's also very upsetting that I can't send DMs here. You can do so on Reddit, and I tried but it was mostly creeps😬 (old men in their 60s and older) they weren't even hiding it. Reddit is a weird place. But I met one great person there. That's already a win!
I just want a miracle to happen.
I want everything to be ok.
@schrodingerscattt
To start things off with the most important thing of the day, Lola is back and well, she even smacked me for eating loud on her what annoys you thread. She is probably catching up on all of her notifications and will get to yours soon. I checked the time of the reply for you, and it was today so she should get back to you soon.
I'm great, on my way home from work, living the afternoon shift life. Today was fast, we restocked the shelves and I managed to help a few people, although... Had a weird customer, he spoke normally. Walked up to me. Spoke to me in German and I just stared at him confused cause I could have sworn I heard him speaking in Slovak just a second ago. Then he asked me if I speak German, all in German ofc. I told him no. Then he switched to Slovak and made a passive-aggressive remark making me feel bad about not speaking German. And I was just standing there like get out of here 😐 then he proceeded to ask me about stuff, I explained all, and he wanted an automatic sharpener I didn't know we had so I showed them the manual ones. His son looked around and found an electric one and he was like we asked you and you said you don't have it. At this point I was just like Oh well. Looks like we have it after all. I was just counting back moments for them to get out. You sir just made it on the short list of my *** customer interactions. There is like 3 other people there for the entire 3 months so pretty honorary title to earn. But I had a lot of sweet people today too. I helped a grandma pick a gift for her 3 years old granddaughter. So was cool. Someone was surprised we sell pen refills. Had some adrenaline moment when rearranging the expensive pen display. And talked to my coworker a bit. So overall, a solid good day, minus the mean guy.
I'm glad you finally get new posts. That lagg was a big pain and I hope it doesn't happen again. I was literally unable to get to new posts unless directly going to community or through someone's profile.
About the feeling, absolutely. Basically every day since I was 4 lol. Lonely in kindergarten, bullied at school, then when hs was nice by classmates got into an abusive relationship that almost cost me my life if my now boyfriend doesn't talk some sense to me and get me out. (Proceed with rest of paragraph only if you want more details on the subject, I try to keep it as vague as possible but it has still potential triggers so skip if needed to the next paragraph where I pick up from here) By that time I was literally having brain clicks of loosing control over my own actions and frequent memory gaps all while my OCD getting horribly bad and had a stong harm ocd period despite it not being my subtype normally.
@schrodingerscattt also sorry about formatting i typed it on my phone on my way home but it refused to post it for some reason, so had to put on my bluetooth dc channel and insert it from pc. And despite still fixing some stuff before posting it went feral anyway
@sadcat13
It's ok. I haven't read it yet. I barely have the energy to brush my teeth nowadays. I really feel so down and demotivated. And from te to time I feel a lot of anger towards my parents. It's some sort of fuel to me for doing my studies. I WANT to get my revenge on them. So I will excel academically. Because *** these ***.
Sorry I'm really angry today and I swear a lot when I'm angry 😭
@schrodingerscattt it's ok, take your time. I will just highlight a key point from it, Tiny is back and responding
@schrodingerscattt I left her a message on one of the threads where she replied to me recently that you wrote her and are worried. Just in case the notification would get lost in the sea of them she is probably dealing with rn. So if this won't get lost too, she will see and know to check your thread 🌻
Hi. I hope you're doing OK. I'm not doing great myself and my depression is getting worse. I had a very upsetting talk with my dad. The thing is, I can't accept him the way he is and it keeps hurting me. Yesterday we talked about my issues and I told him I wouldn't be struggling if it wasn't for him and I wouldn't have had depression. And he told me, " I know, but I thought it will sort itself out". I have no words. Nobody in my family will help me so I have to do it on my own. I mean, still today it's so weird to me. It's such a weird way to think and I don't understand why he even thought it was ok saying this to me. I'm barely keeping afloat with my studies but I have to. And yeah, still no friends in real life(but in the process of finding them!) But I'm so glad I have this community ❤️
What you have been doing today?
I was studying my philosophy lesson. It was quite complicated but interesting.
@schrodingerscattt I´m pretty ok. Had a bit of a problematic and stressful situation at work yesterday so waiting how will it go, but otherwise i´m fine. Just bit tired lately as i worked quite a lot this month. I will also be getting a contract for more hours if all goes well next month, so we will see. Hoping for the best, it would be great to get a 50% one as right now i have just this minimal type based on agreement that has lower time requirements and more flexibility, but also pretty much no benefits. But it will still be a great step forward in my recovery and independence, helping me to get more money i can save up and work towards my future. Had a bit of a fallout with my own projects but i´m planning to return to them when i can. Yesterday, I was so tired i passed out on my bed before i planned to go to sleep, then woke up at night, being confused with a huge gap of how i got here. Last thing i remembered was vibing on my bed, then seconds later it is dark and i´m laying normally. I eventually recalled texting my bf that i think i will pass out and that´s where the trail of my memories end so i must have passed out and when my brother went to sleep he just put my stuff i had on my bed down and turned the light off (we share a room) what was confirmed in the morning.
I see you are getting worse. It is a very brave thing to confront your dad and try to get some answers or make a change. I don´t have the same courage, and I really admire you for that. I´m sorry he responded the way he did. It is frustrating when someone sees your suffering and is aware of it and still goes mehhh. I know. When confronted about it. You deserve someone to try their best for you and I´m so sorry your dad is taking things with a receptivity of a brick wall.
Regarding the studies, I would say check what you will need for college, which subjects are important and will be taken into account, and screw the rest if things get too much. Noone ever asked me about the result of my 2. grade hs chemistry once i got out of school. So check what is important for your future career direction or uni, and focus on that primarily. Also, the philosophy lessons sound cool, glad you are interested in them 😊
I´m glad you are in the process of finding friends. I hope you will find some soon 😊
@sadcat13
I'm sorry you had stressful situations at work. I hope it will get better. It's so great that despite your struggles you're working and improving your situation.
Yeah, my dad is definitely a brick wall. I think it should be his nickname. I just feel very offended by my mother defendant him yk. Like she's supposed to be on my side, not his.
So anyways today I woke up very angry and full of resentment but I'm trying to figure it out. Journaling just doesn't help.
That's a great idea but I want to have perfect grades everywhere. I need it to go to a great university.
@schrodingerscattt don't worry I thought it through and I think I got this. My brain just tends to catastrophise. We will see how it goes and will handle stuff if needed. Kinda tired of stressing over it, time to just have faith in everything getting sorted out.
I see why you are frustrated and offended. It is enough pain to have one problematic parent, not even two. It is not nice of her and she is absolutely failing as a mother.
I see the resentment is strong today. And that's ok. Your feelings are valid and you feel that something bad is happening that shouldn't. It's ok to feel the way you do. If journaling doesn't help, does validating and accepting your feelings help? Like. Just talking to yourself like you are someone you care about who is in your situation and telling yourself it's ok you feel this way. That it's valid. This bad time won't last forever as you are working towards getting out asap. And then just let the feelings go away on their own. Also someone uses more of a somatic (?) Processing, where you ask yourself where do I feel this in my body. Could be feeling the feeling in your chest. Your forehead. Could be having slightly clenched jaws. Belly pain. Etc. And then when you find it, gently release the are by breathing into it or relaxing the muscles. I mean. Never really worked for me that much, I'm more of a journaling person, so I use this just as a side support help technique, but it works well for some people.
About studies, sure. Go for it then, you know what is the best for you 😊
@sadcat13
Thank you for these recommendations. I really wanna try the somatic one. Taking to myself and accepting the feeling helps, but not when it's that intense as right now. I just wanna scream and break something😭I guess i should put all this energy into my essay, i anyways need to do it. And maybe just going for a walk. Here the weather is great all year! Warm and sunny almost all the time, so it's perfect to go outside.
@schrodingerscattt I hope it will work for you. I think you should go on the walk first, you are in a bad mental state, and nature and movement calms. You can do the essay when you are back😊
Hello. It's been a long time since we've talked. My emtnal state has been going worse and I have been struggling with suicidal feelings.
I hope you're doing OK.
@schrodingerscattt hiiii, yes I assumed you are on break. I see you had a very hard time. Wanna tell me more?
@sadcat13
I don't wa t to burden you. I just want to put my mind off my problems for a while.
@schrodingerscattt you are not burdening me, don't worry about that. If you need to get something off your chest, you can totally tell me about it.
@sadcat13
Thank you. You're so kind. I genuinely don't know what to do. I am so scared for my future. I think it would be best to call a hotline but I am terrified. Have you ever called one? Because I'm just scared they wouldn't care about me either just like my parents. Oh yeah, and my dad as always don't care that I wanna do sui. He just told me this. It hurts more than anything. There's no break up that can have the same intensity of pain as this soul shattering indifference from him.
@schrodingerscattt I see your fam is still a pile of trash. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You deserve better 🌻🌻🌻
No I never called one so sadly can't speak from experience. I just tried my country's specific chat line and I got no answer to this day lol. But I heard people in general have positive experiences with calling a hotline, so maybe it is worth a try... In every case, you should totally give them a call and see if they can help. How is your plan to go away for college going?
