I got a new job and it's making me think

I had a job interview a few days ago. Yesterday I got a call from someone at that company to offer me the position. She said the CEO of the startup had some great feedback about our talk and that she really liked me and thought I had good, positive energy.

I am still wrapping my head around the fact that someone liked me. And in a professional setting, which to be honest is more important to me at this point than at a personal level.

I think this could be a turning point in my recovery. It shows that I can put myself out there and expect a positive outcome. This isn't the first time I get along with someone or that I do well in a job interview, but for some reason this one feels different. Before this I never thought that I did something good. I used to think of all sorts of excuses to explain why I did well. Maybe I was charging less than other, better candidates. Maybe the person interviewing me was in a rush and needed to hire anyone. Maybe I fooled them into thinking I'm a good person and a competent professional. Because deep down I didn't feel like that. It felt like good things like getting jobs was something that happened to me, not something I got because I worked hard and succeeded in proving I was competent enough to do it.

Maybe it's because how the feedback was shared with me, or maybe it's due to all the things I've done over the last year. But this time I'm starting to believe may not be as bad as I think I am, and that this avoidance I've resorted to to keep myself safe is not needed anymore.

I've read a lot about internal family systems and really like this idea of integrating all parts of yourself to make them work for you. So I no longer see avoidance as something I have to fight against, but as something that's trying to protect me from something. When it first started it kinda worked. I was a kid and it was easy to isolate. But I'm not a kid anymore. I can't hide myself from the world at this point in my life, and I can't go on blaming my school teachers and classmates from 20 years ago for the choices I make now.

I choose to do the work to get better.