BPD and regret
Diagnosed with BPD in April.
Since then I have been on quetiapine which I have found makes a difference. I find that I am most stressed when there are unknowns. I am an occasional teacher so there are a lot of unknowns. I sometimes have job offers from people who have gone off on stress leave, so getting to know the classes and the school, and getting to know new coworkers is very anxiety provoking for me. I successfully managed my last LTO ! I think a lot of this was due to my new meds. I recently was offered a summer school position. This was at 430 on the Friday before the long weekend. For a class I have never taught. I blindly said "Yes!".... then comes instant regret. "What if..." "I was hoping to focus on my health this summer, now I'm just going to be stressed the entire time". Luckily found some resources and got the whole course planned... got little to no sleep and then the next morning I wake up with a wicked cough... go into the walk-in clinic and say that I shouldn't go into work until Wednesday... the same day school starts, and only if I'm feeling better. Well I panic, and decide to contact the prinicipal because there are no "sick days " for summer school teachers, and how am I going to get everything ready when I might not be able to go in? ... I think this was just a scape goat for me. Prinicipal said it'd be easier to find someone else for the position in case I was sick.. and now I'm kicking myself. First of all, I feel fine now. Secondly, I could have done a kickass job, and thirdly it would have really helped me out financially... I don't know why I always let fear take over. Now I can't let go of this regret. Does anyone else ever feel this way? Now I feel like I'm robbing myself of my summer.
I think regret is normal with BPD. I have experienced a lot of regret for doing or not doing things for years. It seems like no matter what I do I end up regretting it. Hopefully you can take the summer to take care of your own mental health. I have found that even though there is often a bit of regret when I choose my mental health over money or other things that could be good for me but in the long run working on my mental health will help me more. If I can work on my mental health now I can work more (and do a better job later). Right now I am only working 20 hours a week and part of me wants to work more because I feel like I *should* since Im an adult and would like to have more money, but I have also had enough experience to know that if I push myself too much I will burn myself out and not be able to do my job. Also to get more hours at work I would have to give up my therapy which Im not ready to do. Its hard to balance mental health and being a responsible adult but in my experience taking care of my own mental health first is the most important and responsible thing.
I hope you have been able to take care of yourself this month!
@BPD25