Borderline Personality Disorder: share your experience

"When were you diagnosed with BPD? What were your reactions to the diagnosis?"

I have never been diagnosed, but I fit 3 related DSM criteria (and the usual threshold is 5):
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting");
6. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days);
8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

My last therapist actually recommended I not seek a diagnosis -- in her view a Cluster B diagnosis is a real burden.

"What does BPD look like for you? How do you experience it?"

Mostly emotional dysregulation and outsize reactions to people around me. I experience it as a strong drive to do or say something I know I shouldn't, but it feels like release at the time. It feels very hard to just breathe and wait to respond carefully. Especially when I love the person -- I have this idea that if we love each other I should get to be honest all the time and not have to filter myself. Then I hurt people's feelings.

"What do you struggle the most with?"

I lash out when I get emotionally overwhelmed. And I'm so, so reactive. I want to become less so, to want less from people, to meet more of my emotional needs myself, but I don't know how to begin.

"What support would you like to receive from others? What support would you like to receive from this subcommunity more specifically?"

It always helps me to talk with people who are experiencing similar struggles, and I wish the subcommunity were more active. I'd like to have regular chats, maybe like a support group, where each of us shares the thing we're working on or struggling with at the moment.

"Have you found any coping mechanisms or techniques that are helpful?"

I've tried DBT but it didn't really stick: I learned the skills but forget to use them. Requiring myself to sit with strong feelings before I respond helps significantly and has cut down on the number of things I say and regret later; it still happens but I'm more reflective about it. I've done some IFS too, and that stuck a bit better: it helps to imagine that I've got a four-year old part who is sad and alone, and an angry, vindictive, spiteful twelve-year-old who doesn't trust anyone, and they want me to do different things. And sometimes one or both of them is in the driver's seat.