Could this be BPD?
I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 but part of me wonders if I also have borderline traits. I find that I cycle through emotions a lot faster than most people with bipolar do. I can go between feelings of depression and hypomania to irritable and anxious to disassociation or feeling numb on a hour to hour basis somedays. Sometimes it can be even minute to minute! My emotions are just very extreme. I find I react to my environment a lot as well and have triggers that send me into these emotions. Other times I just can't control it. I can be just depressed for 2 weeks out of the blue. I also am curious if this is a form of splitting: sometimes I think my boyfriend is the most amazing man in the world, he is literally like the light that lights up my life and then other times I think he doesn't love me enough or he doesn't show me he loves me and consider whether I want to be with him or not. I get very emotional and cry over these thoughts and feelings or get extremely rageful. I also have no sense of self, I have no idea who I am and I tend to mimic characteristics of other people or try to be like other people around me. Growing up I changed my appearance and fashion styles a lot. For a few months I dressed like a goth and listened to screamo and then I tried to be country and dressed like taylor swift, tried to play the guitar and sing and died my hair blonde from the previous black. After that I was gangster and listened to rap and wore baggy clothing and got a tattoo and piercings. A lot of this depended on who I was hanging out with. I don't experience a fear of abandonment though, I dislike being alone for too long and if a friend or boyfriend changes plans and no longer wants to see me I do get very rageful and sometimes depressed because I feel they don't want to be around me but I don't think they will never come back into my life. I also am very very impulsive. I just was wondering if this sounds like BPD symptoms and if I should talk to my pdoc about them?
@PerfectlyImperfectt21
Hey there,
Unfortunately, misdiagnosis is a major problem in terms of Borderline Personality Disorder because it often mimics and co-exists with other forms of mental distress. That is, BPD rarely travels alone. I would certainly bring up your concern with your doctor, always. Even more important, I am a behavior therapist, therefore my knowledge on this topic is limited. While I do live with it myself, I think a disclaimer is important.
I advise you above all else to speak with your primary doctor regarding this issue.
Disclaimer aside- yes, absolutely it is possible. Much of what you described is familiar in reference to a lack of self. Although, for me, this sensation is a lack of existence at all. One that only standing in front of a mirror can relieve. Not necessarily WHO I am, but THAT I am. What you described is also indicative of mania. Do keep in mind it only takes one manic episode to meet criteria for Manic Depression, or Bi-Polar Disorder. It has been thought of also that I struggle with Manic Depression, although I have not had a proper evaluation in ten very difficult years due to lack of resources, finances, and/or insurance.
The best thing you can do is continue to educate and advocate for yourself. Express your concerns to your doctor, and surround yourself with love and support.
Are you on medication at this time?
I am not currently on medication no but the pdoc would like me to be put on something to stabilize my mood. Lamotrigine is what he has prescribed. I think my biggest concern is how unstable my moods are. I can cycle between 3 or 4 different extreme moods in one day sometimes. It can be hour to hour. Also I'm not sure if this is a form of splitting but I can go from praising my boyfriend tremendously and just loving him so much I can't even describe how great he makes me feel to feeling like he doesn't care about me enough, doesn't try hard enough etc. i don't react to these feelings in a very positive way. I either get extremely depressed or very rageful and angry towards him. That is also concerning me as well.
I do experience some disassociation. Where I feel like I'm in a dream or looking at everything through a blurred lense. I feel disconnected to the world and sometimes myself as well. I don't really question my existence but I question how real everything is around me and I just don't understand anything. If that makes sense! It's so hard to explain. I get numb sometimes in this state as well
