Did BPD destroy my relationship?

I have never been diagnosed with BPD and plan on seeking professional help as soon as possible, but I’ve always known that something was different about me, specially when it comes to romantic relationships. I only dated three partners irl (in real life), the rest of my relationships were online and LDR. My first “relationship” happened when I was still very young, probably around 12, so when I, out of nowhere, started to see my boyfriend as disgusting and annoying, thought it was something about my age. And it could’ve been, I suppose. My second relationship happened when I was 14. Barely lasted a month and I was the one again breaking up because I wasn’t sure about my feelings. The third lasted for three months and I was dumped. At the age of 15, I had my first LDR that lasted for a year. I don’t have memories of the ongoing falling out of love and falling in love again, having deep adoration for my partner and days/hours after hating their guts. This was my most ordinary relationship because throughout it I didn’t feel those feelings, but I also can’t remember if I felt other things BDP related. I have a history of failed relationships, really intense and consuming in the beginning, always entering them quickly and somehow things just don’t work out in the end. I had other online flings and dumped people like they were nothing after something bigger and better seemed to be around. I was used to these feelings and never thought much of it, I couldn’t feel bad because of them. In 2019 when I was 18, I met someone that immediately and intensely made me fall in love. We started dating after just a few weeks of texting (lol). Everything was fine until our differences started to show up and I was devastated thinking that they were the most annoying person in the world, super controlling and selfish. Today I understand that I was immature and needed to learn a lot about relationships so I could be in one that lasted for a long time. This relationship introduced me to things about myself that I didn’t know of. Maybe the relationship was triggering to the point of showing my uncontrollable anger, causing me to be rude and ruthless to partner, blocking them whenever something was too overwhelming for me and then realizing that it was something so small that could’ve been handled better. The blocking happened so many times throughout the relationship and it’s crazy that they never left me behind, they had every right, but instead they would try to reach out through emails even. Blocking also felt like an escape for me, it would make the situation disappear and I would be able to feel less anxious, the heavy heart would go away and I needed that. Another major thing that happened in this relationship was the way I viewed my partner, sometimes I would see them for the person they are and the person they told me they were. But a lot of times, I would doubt their kindness and good heart, doubt their words, I felt like they were just manipulating me into thinking that they cared, loved me, wanted the best for me, but behind my back would be a totally different person, which made me trust them less and less. They never showed me signs of having deep struggles with life, health, they always seemed to have it all together. The first time they showed me that side and ended up being extremely rude to me (or maybe this is me overreacting, who knows), I felt so mad at them. Frustrated. I didn’t like that side at all and I couldn’t deal well with it, I couldn’t relate. I would shut down and feel nothing at all, I just wanted to leave that situation. I couldn’t feel worried, no empathy, just emptiness. I felt so mean for feeling these things and I couldn’t understand what was wrong. Impulsive breakups were also part of our two year relationship. I would be the one breaking up all the time because of some arguments here and there or because I was feeling nothing towards them at that moment and then would feel everything so intensely. I would create situations for them to leave me because I felt like a horrible person, so I would breakup and say that I was doing it for them. My feelings towards them would change so fast. I would feel absolutely crazy about them and they were the most amazing person in the world, all I wanted and needed. My behavior would be totally different and I would be everything they needed. This would last for a few days and afterwards I would feel totally the opposite. I would hate their existence and whenever they talked to me I was wishing they would disappear. They were always so stable and knew what they wanted, I was always unsure about my feelings, what I want, what I don’t want, what I like, what I don’t like. I would say that they fought for me and for us until the end. During our last fights I was told that I was heartless, rude, ruthless and I always felt so hurt about it. But I guess they were just telling me the truth. I recently broke up with them. It’s been a few days and I feel so horrible. I feel like I destroyed someone beautiful and with a good heart. I’ve been trying to find explanations for my behavior throughout the relationship and BPD resonated with me. I don’t know if I do have it, I’m hoping that I don’t. At the same time, I know that if I have it, it will explain a lot of the different things I feel and probably would make me feel less worse about myself. Right now, I feel like a monster undeserving of all good things. I had someone special and madly in love with me and I destroyed my (had everything to be perfect) relationship.