Feel like a fake, truth be told

I really wish mental health professionals were more careful and paid more attention. I don't know but I think if they had properly listened to me, and not their own assumptions, I could've been properly diagnosed, gotten right help from start - who knows, not be struggling right now, four years after. Questioning myself every second

I wasn't diagnosed with BPD. I was told it's highly possible, but my therapist can't legally diagnose me which in itself is upsetting since I would rather die than see a psychiatrist - considering all the problems I had with them - and they're the only ones who can legally diagnose where I live. So, to be honest, I feel like a fake while in this sub-community. I do. I honestly do feel like a fake. I'm here, trying to tell myself "I belong somewhere" but deep down, I don't.

I've read about BPD here and there for some time - but only recently did really notice psychotic symptoms can be involved in BPD. It shocked me as I was reading, because my first psychiatrist told me I had a first episode and by the end of my stay at hospital, I was in remission which I was. After couple days he even told my parents, I could get discharged soon if my trip home went well. But didn't. Not for psychosis, but because my mood swings got bad due to stress - and my parents felt was better to bring me back.

I just.. I get really upset when I think about how many times I was told "it's teenage hormones" or "you just need a supplement" (when I was already on that supplement for some time due to some health issues, and didn't manage my mood at all) or "it's all for attention, you want attention from your family" or "stop pretending your depression/psychosis/anxiety". One day I just lost it, of being told I was pretending, and printed out all material I could find on BPD, wrote a list of everything I felt and had mentioned to them in past - not only BPD related, but general. I went in to my therapist with those papers and told her:

"I think I may have BPD, I'd like you to tell me if you feel yes or no, and if you don't - why and what else could be. Give me an answer"

She didn't even let me show her the papers, just thought for a minute 'I do know what BPD is and you do seem to have the symptoms' raised her eyebrows, made a weird facial expression and shook her shoulders and asked a question about something else. After some months I told that therapist "find me another one, I don't want to see you anymore" and that situation was one reason why, because she never cared about how it made me feel, she thought was useless so I should think was useless too.

I did same thing for my psychiatrist appointment, my last one.

For the two months prior, I organized all symptoms I had talked to with my therapist, I even did a list with three or so categories. I didn't mention anything about diagnosis, so was all random but organized. From obsessions to eating behaviors, from childhood till then. Then, couple weeks before, got a call. My appointment got cancelled. Then found out, my psychiatrist wasn't working at that hospital anymore - my current therapist told me that, in the end of appointment but asking if I had been called from hospital thinking I knew. I started crying 'abandoned again, I finally liked her and she left me, no one actually sticks, I finally truth my doctor and she leaves'. That day was hard, because for months I had despised that doctor and then finally she starts to understand me and I feel I'm finally getting an answer.

So I still don't have an answer. And probably never will. I hate psychiatrists for what they did to me - won't go in detail here because it's touchy subject - and even if wanted to see one, I don't have money. Which is why I'm hanging with tooth and nail to this therapist - because I can't afford a paid one, and if I ever have to stop seeing her, I would suffer.

I have tried telling myself 'there's no issue with you, you have no mental health issues and no personality disorder' and then the mood swings hit me, or the sudden emptiness in the middle of the shopping mall - feeling disconnected from world, find it hard to even stand up or put my empty fro-yo cup in the trash. I try to tell myself I'm forcing this on myself and then remember how my mental health ruined my high school experience, ruined my college experience, ruined birthdays and summers, holidays and parties. I am tired of going to every therapy session and not sure of what to say my mood is, of one week being all cheery and happy and 'oh life is good, my mood was amazing today, week was great" and then 2 minutes later regretting it all, because suddenly it hit me how alone I am and how worthless I am - to next week go there and complain about the three nights in a row, I cried myself to sleep - to then later that day, be singing loud in my room at 11 pm because found the perfect song, and day-dreaming about this perfect life with perfect friends and perfect boyfriend. To 15 minutes later crash, cry myself to sleep. Rinse and repeat.

I am tired of it. I'm tired because I feel like a burden to tell my therapist "hey, I still would like that answer as to what's wrong with me" when I know she can't give the answer. I'm scared also, of one day making friends, not having my therapist beside me and my emotions getting so out of hand, that it all happens again. I don't want to go through what happened in my senior year. I'm a young adult, I should not be concerned that getting friends will make me lose control of my behavior. I should be focusing on studying, getting a job, managing social life with work/studies, smiling, having fun and discussing day-to-day topics with friends. Instead I'm afraid to get a job, go to college again, get friends because of what it may do to me. My life isn't as bad - but it's not like I would wish anyone to have it, either.

Sorry for the rant, probably got way too long.