Hello.

So i am not sure if i have bpd. I am going to the doctor soon. I guess where i most relate are the feelings of abandonment. Self worth is a huge issue. I hate myself for all the miatakes i have made. It consumes me. As a kid i used to stare at myself in the mirror and tell myself i was a piece of shit. I told myself to believe it. And i did. Do.

My anxiety is completely out of control. It causes me drastic mood swings. In the most ridiculous things that sent me into a massive downward spiral. I went to a wedding recently and someone made a joke about me missing a spot when shaving my head. Which I hadn't. They were fucking with me. Unfortunately I started to think in my head that everybody would notice it and then I would look like an idiot. That my self conscious anxiety bullshit took over. My mood went from good to terrible. It only went downhill from there. I drank. A lot. My friends were apparently embarrassed by me. I wasn't falling all over the place it was more the way I was acting, the things I was saying.

I've had lots of relationships. And lots of sexual partners. I find I bounce around from Woman to Woman. Sometimes it's very intense. Like they're the only person in the world. I get into people too quick it tends to scare a girl off. Then I fear that no one will love me. And I drown in that.

I've also had lots of jobs. I always have a different idea, a different way to make money, something else I could be good at or maybe succeed in. But none of them ever pans out. Then I just feel like a failure. And i drown in it.

My marriage ended. And I feel like it's all thanks to BPD. I can look back now and see the unreasonable selfish prick that I was. I'm afraid no one but her will ever love me.

I feel like I'm drowning. Gasping for air. Never quite getting enough. No better analogy, you know in the movie Deadpool where francis puts wade into the chamber that leaves him feeling like he's suffocating. That's it. That's the feeling. Never sure of myself. Never trusting myself or my decisions period making rash decisions based on extremes of emotion.

Fuck.

And then there's addiction. I'm a massive stoner. It's a huge problem. I don't know about other people but when I quit smoking weed I go through withdrawals period for two or three weeks I sweat like a fucking pig. And I don't sleep for about a month. I've always been addicted to one substance or another. I don't really drink a lot. It was always drugs.

Anyway I feel like a train wreck. I feel like everybody's talking to me like a broken little fucking bird. Ever since I got divorced. Everyone is "worried" about me.

I'm not suicidal. I have a spectacular child. He's more than enough to make me want to continue to live. Unfortunately I'm just not great to live with.