How to handle my BPD friend?
I have a friend with BPD. Ive known her for 8 months - although we did also go to school together, so I know some of her background although we were not friends then. She comes from a troubled family, then, after school, she got married young, got pregnant and moved away. Then I didnt see her for 10 years and whenever I saw one of her siblings, they would say they hadnt heard from her because shed cut them all off. Then one day last May, I saw her in a shop. She seemed very upset and said she was pregnant. It seemed that previous daughter was living with her ex, who she had lost contact with. She was very unsettled and crying. So I took her number and told her to message me some time. That was the start of an 8 month roller coaster. She couldnt decide whether to get an abortion but eventually decided to keep the baby. Shes due to give birth any day. She is being evicted and the new baby father seems to be threatening her with domestic violence and is also an alcoholi. Social services are involved and the baby might be taken into care. she has no one and Ive been trying to help her, take her to the shops, spend time with her, talk to her. But her moods and distorted thinking is really becoming too much for me. She cries all the time and is suicidal everyday. She gets angry at small things and Im not sure for sure but I believe she is having some delusional thoughts about a neighbour she thinks is stalking her. Ive never seen this neighbour in all the times Ive visited but she he insists he is stalking her. Her life seems to be a constant stream of chaos and conflict - its one thing after another. Every professional she is involved with seems to become a target for her feelings of injustice. She has had a very traumatic life and my heart really bleeds for her but shes condition also seems to be blinding to her to any sense of responsibility for her own life. I feel deeply gu but Ive started to feel like Ive had enough. I know her time with me helps her, but no time is ever enough and then she gets angry when i have to go home or see my own family. Im at the point where I feel like I do not want to see her any more. Any advice from others with BPD or anyone?
She sounds like she's been through a lot and you deserve an award for being such a supportive friend. Because she has BPD, she doesn't want to lash out at you, but she can't help it. Along with her attachment to you, it's part of BPD. Have she tried therapy or cognitive therapy?
@AnamCara I have BPD, and I'm pretty stable at the moment, but there have been times when I was full of the crazy. I'm going to guess here that your friend ISN'T going to therapy. With her situation as you described it, I imagine she is incredibly overwhelmed. When we're already in one of those blinding emotional states, it is almost impossible to hear other people or understand their needs.
So if you ask me, the first step is to take a deep breath and remember that whatever she does, it is NOT your responsibility. It is hers, and she has to learn to take that responsibility if she wants to actually live her life. Taking responsibility is her first step to reducing the amount of trauma in her life and beginning healthy relationships.
She needs to see a therapist if she isn't, and she may need to see one more often if she is already seeing someone. She is probably too overwhelmed at the moment to know how to even go about that, so there are a few options, and I'm not sure which is best. If you feel like investing your time and energy helps her and is positive for you, you could help her make an appointment and get her there. She may not be able to afford help right now, so she might ask you to pay for it, not realizing what a burden that is, so be prepared for that just in case.
She may not want help. If she absolutely refuses professional help, but instead wants you to be her therapist, it may sadly be time to let her go. It is really nice that you want to help her, but not everybody is ready to be helped. That said, be prepared for erratic behavior if you cut ties.
The trick with BPD is that people can only help us so far. They can take us to therapy, but we have to go in and make the effort. They can tell us they love us, but we have to force ourselves to believe it. We have to learn to recognize what is acceptable behavior if we want to be accepted, and that's hard, but we can do it with therapy, and sometimes medication.
Good luck.
@AnamCara Man this was posted a while ago, but I hope you didn't leave her. She's likely attached to you like that because of the bpd. I recently lost the one person I trusted and I've been alone and depressed ever since. I didn't know about the bpd at the time, but it's really easy to see I put my person through a lot now. I wish you could take her to calm environments without a ton of people. I used to feel my best just watching a movie in my bedroom with him or listening to music in his car. Make sure you take time for yourself and spend time with your other friends too.