I do the same thing each time
Hi guys thanks for reading my post.
So I've always been basically a broken record over the course of a relationship. The first 3 or so months will be great, and then I start getting thoughts that the person is bad and lying to me, no matter how kind they are or how well they treat me. I'll stop believing them when they tell me they care about me or love me, or that I'm attractive, you name it. I'll start getting suspicious of their behavior or their intentions. I've been cheated on in the past but I don't think this has anything to do with that.
My current boyfriend is amazing...so kind and caring. But I've started reacting poorly when he has been kind to me and I fear that he's going to get annoyed with me and leave me.
It's a whole self sabotage complex.
Does anyone have advice on how to handle this? I do it with friends, my boyfriend, family. I literally am paranoid that everyone hates me and is only my friend/in a relationship because they have to be.
@Avocadotoast1 you're not alone and it makes sense. Maybe it's out of fear or anxiety? I do the same and keep messing up in my relationship and feel worse when my partner is always positive and motivating me to do better but I still have those feelings. It's important not to beat yourself up and understand where you're coming from though
@orangeFan8957 Yes! It almost makes me feel worse when they're so positive because then I have that whole narrative to myself of they deserve better and I'm horrible why are they with me. It's so frustrating. Like you know the reality but your brain convinces you of the opposite.
@Avocadotoast1 yeah exactly which makes it hard to be understanding foryourself. But you still have to be kind and compassionate to yourself in the moment and with on self care
Hi there @Avocadotoast1 ! I see you are a new member, so first of all a warm welcome here to you! I am glad you have found our community and I hope you will feel supported here!
I can relate a lot to your experience, I also have a history of self-sabotaging my relationships. I do not have any tips, but one: therapy... To me, it is being life-changing. I can identify my patterns more clearly, I know what my triggers are, and I am slowly changing my behaviour. Have you ever considered it?
@admaiorasemper Hi! Yes I have been in therapy before but it is SO HARD with my schedule. I travel for work. I would love to continue having it covered under my insurance but find that impossible with online programs.
@Avocadotoast1, reading this is like reading myself. I also feel the same way, and some times I don't know whether it's all in my head or it's real.
I go to therapy, but it's been only partly effective for me. I still don't know so much about myself, and what triggers me and how to prevent it.
I wish you the best of luck! :)
@avocadotoast
Not sure what my diagnosis is, but mega relate to the splitting. I can really relate to your post. I would notice that my thoughts about my husband would vary extremely. Sometimes I just felt like all he had were bad intentions. For me, I started to notice that it coincided with my period. Things usually got bad around the 10th day and then the 4th day for me. Some people are effected by the full moon. I was effected hormonally as well as by the moon. Plotting the days, kind of helped warn my partner to kind of take my behavior and moods in context. No more period and I am doing much better now!
The best piece of advice I had, was to write a note to myself when I was in a place where I felt like he really loved me, and was really wonderful, and I was the luckiest person on the earth. When I was in my angry, paranoid, doubting his every intention mode, I was paranoid and it was hard to hear anyone else's opinion, so I would read my letter to myself lol. Mine was something like this... "Dear me, I am writing to you because I know you will have hard days where you mistrust him because of all the things we went through in our past. We will begin to judge him, and doubt him, and want to pull away. He will suddenly look like the worse thing in the planet, I'm asking you to trust me, and wait until your emotions have calmed down. Let's wait until the intense emotions have settled. Let's go somewhere we can calm ourselves and the adrenaline down. We are going into fight or flight, because we think loving him and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is going to hurt us. I know loving is a huge risk. But not loving at all is even a greater risk! Do you trust me? We are in this together. Let's calm down and see if things don't look different after some food, a good night sleep, and after our body de-escalates from panic melt down mode where we feel like we need to fight or flee. Can we try that? Just until we are calm. Take a deep breath, blow it out. You can write and tell me all the things you are unhappy with. Sometimes what is a 3 out of 10 in terms of his mistake, can feel like a 10 out of 10 because we are triggered... remember? I promise I will address what you are upset about later...We will look at the reasons together when we are calm.....and communicate after we are calm."
I think the letter to myself saved me quite a few times... I think once he asked me to read it! lol...The black and white really drives me bonkers.... just like you mentioned... I start thinking is it real? Is it me?.... That's why I now focus on the here and now... and practice Tara Brach's RAIN, (there is a writeup on it in the mindfulness section in the teen area). So, I do my best to get present and mindful... I will joke with myself a little...."Wow... heart's beating a mile a minute, feel like I'm going to implode... sure not going to solve any problems now, or make any life-changing decisions in this state of emotional overwhelm.... So when I am feeling more strong and sane, I set boundaries with myself to do my best not to act when my rational brain is hijacked! Been there, done that... oh too many times to count! Still do... Emotions are hard.... I do find that disciplining myself to think of a number in terms of how bad it feels and what number it might actually be, helps my mind, pull out of the situation and engage a little in the rational mind, which really helps with the onslaught of emotions pelting down!
I also tell myself that its not the exact same pattern again and again and that helps me stop shaming myself. Someone once said, you can't jump in the river in the same place everytime. I take that to mean, that each day and situation is different. And my best and given day is different... so I do my best and part of the RAIN technique is not to judge others or myself :) So I try to give myself a pat on the back for trying! It still counts! :)
Thanks for sharing! Hope the tools help! Good luck!