I feel like I living a neverending nightmare

I never took the time to educate myself on what my diagnosis truly was until 3 years ago. I almost wish I had never done that. The world I existed in at that time, really showed no concern for me and I spent years alone, homeless, and believed that I was worth nothing because if your worth something then someone would care what happens to you right? I felt like swept away in some lucid nightmare that would do the exact opposite of what i, who is smart enough to know safe from not, would usually do. Now that its finally stopped I am still fighting my urges to go be reckless. For no reason. Has anyone had to deal with impulsivity ruining their lives and hope did you handle it? I feel like im losing my mind