I hope people read this- BPD, Anxiety, and Help

Years ago I was diagnosed with Anxiety. I mean, normal day to day living doesn't seem to be super affected... I just lived like everyone else. In high school I went through some stuff and I thought it was depression that was just caused by stuff happening around me. I was sensitive and sad, but overall, my friends couldn't tell unless it was those times I was talking to them about it. I overreacted, not knowing about Anxiety or that I had it. Then in college I faced something similar, and that's when I was actually diagnosed. It was a bad time, and I did and said stuff I regret. I ended up writing a long paper-like thing about anxiety and how it affects me (I don't know if I should post it here, or if it's too long... I don't know how long these are allowed to be or how long people are willing to read).

But just a few days ago, I learned a bit more about Borderline Personality Disorder, and think I might have that as well. I'm scared of having it, but regardless, I do have the "symptoms." I do have trouble controlling my emotions. I get angery and I can't just stop, I get sad and I can't get out of it, I also get happy and that lingers too. I really feel no control over how I feel. I have no control of shifting it. I don't have a true self image. I mean sometimes I feel like I'm special and meant to do great thing, the world is mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm uniquely awful, that for some reason I'm different than everyone else in a bad way. I lose people in my life randomly and I always blame myself. I've had unstable and rough relationships with people. I pull people in too close and it ends up pushing them away. I feel like everyone is going to leave me or wants to leave me. It's happened in the past, and it feels like I can't do anything anymore. If I be myself, it pulls people to close. Or if I sing a song and people tell me to stop, I feel like they are mad at me and could leave at anytime and then I censor myself and dull myself to protect from annoying people... but then I'm anxious I'm not fun enough and they'll leave me for that. Sometimes it feels inevitable that people hate me and will leave. I'm either so little and dulled in my ind, or too much. And in my own mind, I like me, I don't get why everyone isn't. I make a new friend and I'm an open book, and I tell them they can trust me and talk to me, I want to be a real friend, like how you see in TV shows... but then I guess people aren't like that. They don't wanna talk ot share or hear my thoughts... Then I feel like they get annoyed and will leave me... It's happened in the past.

I do idealize people. Someone wise in my life called it a Spiritual attachment. People in my life that I just want to be around and talk to and think they are amazing. But then they push me away, or do something I don't like, and I get mad. In learning about BPD it says they idealize and then strongly dislike, but I don't think I strongly dislike those people. I get confused because of how much I love these people and don't get why they can't talk to me, or won't listen to me. I hate so much, sometime in mind I'll think things like "I hate that," or "what a bad person," but I never believe it. I've never kicked anyone out of my life, I continue to idealize no matter how I'm treated. I do follow that "idealize and devalue" symptom of BPD, it happens to me beyond my control...

I am terrifed of people leaving me. I used to ask my friends all the time if i was annoying them, if we are ok, if they still like me. and then id get anxious over the fact that ive asked, and then ask if it's ok that I ask sometimes. And in my world, I don't see why not. It makes me feel better (somewhat). But then again, people have gotten annoyed at how I ask, or think it's too much, so it's more and more anxiety over that.So it feels like I'm trapped. I always feel like people hate me, or worry it... I can't ever know or ask them if it's true, and if I do, it only makes me anxious that I've pushed them away because... yes, it's happened in the past.

I do feel empty all the time, lonely. I feel jealous of everyone. I constantly try to find end goals. I'm not religious, but I've tried researching religion, finding answers to all this and life's questions. I've tried making my own religious/spiritual beliefs for comfort. And no one understands. I sometimes feel like I am in a Sims game and everyone else is NPCs and I'm the only one who can see this. No one seems to get it. I get all the backlash for feeling this way, but I can't control it. i wish we lived in a world where if I act out of jealousy or loneliness or fear or insecurity, people understand... they listen, they know why it is and theyre supportive. Not confused or judgy or pushy or looking for blame within myself. But I don't live in that world. People don't get it, which adds to my fear and loneliness and insecurity.

So it leads me to being a person who can't talk about this with anyone I love because they don't get it, and I get the backlash everytime. So people then can think I'm ok. Day to Day life isn't affected. I'm a normal person who doesn't feel any of this to most people. And I function. I'm smart, kind, fun, I'm normal in my life. I'm a 4th degree black belt in Jiu Jitsu, I teach it and I train in it. I'm a preschool teacher. I'm going to school to be a high school teacher. I've gotten every academic award, I'm top of my class in school and in Jiu Jitsu, probably next in line to run my dojo when my Sensei retires. I'm successful... But beneath it all, i feel all of this daily.

I've had a counselor in high school, and in college, and it was great... but I can't afford it again. I've tried to find online apps. They seemed amazing, a licensed therapist who you can message daily... but then of course it's not free. And right now that's what I was. I want someone who I can message daily and have by my side long term... but I can't afford that. I know people can comment on this saying I'm brave for sharing, or that it gets better or all the stuff people on 7cups usually say. And I appreciate all of that, I do. I'm a listener on here too and I appreciate everyone on 7cups and all you have to say. But I don't know how to reel this in, how to control these feelings, and how to live with it in a world that doesn't understand. I neeeeeed someone long term who can be there in my pocket, who understands this stuff. I look forward to the day I have a wife and kids, because then a lot of these problems I have will be trivial. I'll have a person and my biggest problems will be making them happy... I feel like I'll feel stable. I know something like BPD or Anxiety won't go away then, but it's the desire for that stability, that person. And I don't have that now. Like I said, I neeeeeed someone long term who can be there in my pocket, who understands this stuff, but I can't afford those therapists. I'm hoping someone here on 7cups can help in some way. I'm hoping that. I've used 7cups for myself for awhile and then as a listener, but I've never tried using Community or Long Term Listeners, and I'm hoping that now that I am, some new type of help emerges that I can be happy with.