Im ruining my relationship ;-;
I don't know what to do anymore... I constantly get mad at the smallest things my boyfriend does and I say horrible things to him and tell him that I wish he was dead.. but then after about an hr I miss him and start crying then say stuff like how I never want to leave him. I love him so much and he knows I can't help it but it's starting to drive him away and I don't know what to do. ;-;
I live with BPD and I read a great book that provided me with some insight on how to control myself. It's called I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. I found it helpful and would definetly recommend it to anyone who lives with BPD. Relationships are hard and sometimes our loved ones get pushed away. I think self regulation is really important.
That sounds really hard! Im so sorry your relationship is struggling so much, relationships with BPD are so hard to manage on both sides. Im glad that it sounds like hes being as supportive as he can be, but even when someone is being supportive there is only so much that they can take for their own sake.
It sounds like what youre experiencing is normal, no thats not supposed to make you feel better, but to let you know youre not alone in your struggles.
It can be hard to stop yourself from saying hurtful things when youre hurting so much emotionally. I know what has helped me get things more under control is DBT. DBT provides skills to help you learn how to slow down, get through crisis situations, regulate emotions, and work on interpersonal relationships. Have you had any experience with DBT?