Introducing myself! Pleasure to be on this journey to recovery with everyone.

Hi Everyone,

I've recently been diagnosed with BPD, I'm a 30 y/o male living in Tokyo, Japan. I am half Japanese and half American, and struggle with intercultural issues, born between an American Father and Japanese Mother, whom got divorced at the age of 12. I have one younger sibling, and my parents have both remarried and I have two half siblings as well. I've struggled with substance abuse, sex addiction, process addictions such as gambling and video gaming, for over 15 years and have been hospitalized in a psychiatric unit on about 3 different occaisions. I struggle with chronic pain, depression and anxiety, severe migraine headaches and eating disorders.

My childhood was marked with a lot of bullying from so-called "friends", and chronic episodes of repeated abandonment by kids that I got close with. I know that I have suffered from attachment injuries due to being raised by my psychopathic Father, and codependent mother. Due to this fear of abandonment, I have pretty severe problems with interpersonal relationships as well as an unstable self image, whilst simultaneously engaging in many acts of self harm and abandoning relationships because I abandon myself due to my attachment injury in childhood. Luckily, I have a strong intellect so I am able to cognitively understand what is happening, but I still have problems accessing the raw emotions underneath it all, as I know the pain of feeling disconnected from people and humanity at large is very severe and painful.

Financially, I am completely broke and a trainwreck. I have no financial management skills and most if not all of the milestones that I should be meeting at the age of 30 have not been met - I have experienced severe emotional neglect and psychological and spiritual abuse at the hands of both of my caretakers. They sent me to school but I have been struggling and suffering from a chronic sense and feeling of emptiness since childhood, that which plagues me every day even today. I had a constant dialogue in my head saying that "there must be something wrong with me", and believed myself to be a bad person, as I engaged in acts such as lying, cheating, and stealing, because these were the only ways I knew how to get my needs met. I never went to church even though I was born and raised Roman Catholic, and felt abandoned by God at the early age of about 11. I have never prayed since the abuse occurred and gave up every attempt to live a moral and ethical life. I believed that I was fundamentally flawed and broken.

Alongside with my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, I have also been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, but the main culprit is Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to psychological torture and emotional abuse. Unfortunately, because my parents were both addicts and neglected and abused themselves, they seem to be completely unable to see the affect that their actions have on their children, and as my Father is a Narcissist, I have become the parentified child within the family dynamic, there to caretake for my mentally ill mother's needs, as well as become an emotional sponge for my Step Father who is also an alcoholic and Narcissist, as well as parent my younger sister and tolerate the abuse of my biological Father. My life has come to a point where it is a complete disaster, where I have not been able to find and secure employment for 5 years, in and out of therapy and on a cocktail of medications, whilst which I have been spending my time mainly researching different methods to fight against my family of origin and begin healing the wounds of my childhood.

Although I have little freedon in my life now, I am grateful for the many things that I have learnt over the years and the many wonderful people that I have crossed paths with in life, and hope that soon, after I begin my Dilectical Behavioral Therapy, that I will begin to see some resolution in the symptoms of my depression, anxiety, and migraine headaches, as I confront my abusers and go Low Contact or No Contact with my family of origin until they begin to change their behavior, and I begin receiving apologies for the neglect and abuse they perpetrated. I am at a point where I no longer even need to hear their apologies, because I know they suffer from guilt as I do, though this is never an excuse for the wrongdoings we have all engaged in. The toxic shame that has befallen my family is something we all struggle to deal with, but I am praying that my attempt to right the wrongs of the past and to seek forgiveness for my sins will be met with acceptance and forgiveness so that I may begin to heal the wounds of the past, beginning with learning to love and forgive, be compassionate and understanding towards myself and my "inner child" that is still seeking someone to pay attention to him.

I am looking forward to reading some stories on 7cups and getting to know the community, tracking my progress and recovery and maybe getting to make some friends here. Every time I have been hospitalized, I have been told that it is not healthy to stay in touch with other patients and that exchanging contacts is forbidden, and I have found this to be true for good reason as I have understood the damages that it can cause to one's mental health when engaged in a vulnerable position such as in a hospital environment. Having said this, I know that 7cups is a place for community and I trust and hope that there are other souls out there that are struggling with similar circumstances as myself, and that I'll meet people on my journey to health and happiness, and that my recovery can inspire others to do the same with their lives.

Thank you for reading this far and I look forward to using 7cups.

TLDR; Half Japanese Half American, confused about identity and have attachment problems, bpd bipolar cptsd diagnosis, lots of mental problems and severe fear of abandonment, looking forward to getting to know people in recovery!