Invisible bpd

Hey there! Just a heads up, I've moved your forum thread to a better suited category, in the Borderline Personality Disorder forums! Unfortunately, I do not know much about BPD, but I do hope you find the help you deserve here and good luck! Take care

@Panteajzn Hello, I can relate to this. I have heard it called 'quiet' as well as 'invisible' BPD. Where instead of all the extremes and overflows being projected out and being obvious, it is project inwards and becomes something that just eats away. At least for me it does, like a slowly growing ball of static in my chest that just gets louder and louder until it explodes or leaks out. This sensation usually causes me to seek out something to release the tension or pain or something...it's all very hard to explain still. But I relate, you are not alone.

This is the way borderline manifests for me, actually. It makes it harder to get anyone, even professionals, to take it seriously, which is really annoying. Apparently if people around me don't immediately notice I have borderline, it somehow isn't there...?

It's why I haven't gotten an official diagnosis yet, and why when I ask they tell me "nothing is bad with me". Or because a test says I'm perfectly mentally okay or because my life doesn't seem highly damaged by my mental health. Sometimes I wish I could just explode, because my mind can be screaming at me to react, to say someone hurt me, and I physically can't. I can't even do it to my therapist, only once I did - and was worst experience ever.

I wish more people would understand that just because they don't see the damage doesn't mean damage isn't there. The worst is when professionals overlook it, they're the ones that should understand it.. plus it can also damage someones life as well. For me, it leaves me exhausted mentally. The having my body and mind scream to react and not being able to react, it's like running a marathon when you're out of shape.

@Panteajzn

Yes, I relate to this and have been searching for some info on it, so thank you for starting this thread.

After 40 years of depression/anxiety/PTSD/Bipolar diagnosis, it is something of a relief to have BPD diagnosis that I can relate to (despite the stigma). The internalising of classic ‘symptoms is something Im very aware of. My psych seems to understand but I havent been able to find info, or fellow-travellers until now.

@Panteajzn Man can I relate to this. My experience with BPD is very intense, but I'm super careful about nobody seeing any of that. I've internalized many of the symptoms so that I could pretend to be "normal." People are shocked if I tell them my diagnosis, "But you seem so normal!" Even my husband of 5 years hadn't noticed my black and white thinking patterns, because I keep them so carefully gaurded.

Its like that awful tv trope where only the main character can see/interact with a trouble-maker, but no one else can, and everybody thinks that the main character is doing it instead. It is just like that, because you go around saving the world from the demons in your head but (almost) no one will ever thank you for it. Instead, theyll think youre a messy/lazy/flakey normal person who just isnt making the effort.

And if people in general ever DO see the monster you are fighting, they think that you are responsible, because you seem so capable of normalcy that any aberration is shocking/frustrating/alarming. It is hard for relatively normal people to believe the intensity you experience on a regular basis while pretending not to. It can make them nervous, to realize you're so good at pretending.

Like, no matter how much someone loves me, they'd be shocked to live in my head for a day. The person everyone loves and sees and thinks they know would never shit in your bed, or bite your cheek off, or spit on a dog, or piss themselves in public to show frustration, but the monster in my head would if I let her.

I appreciate how much more of my life is stable and under control because I work so hard, but sometimes I am so jealous of the BPD stereotype. Some little part of me is always whining, "I want to be out of control. How come so and so doesn't have to be responsible for their own crazy?" It is hard and never ending work to fight the disorder and most people don't even know I'm doing it.

I am a "quiet" boderline. Although I do have outbursts of anger and dispare. I almost exclusively internalize. It leads to a lot of people being misdiagnosed or simply negelected. Just be gentle with your friend and listen to what they are saying even if the way they say might make it hard to listen too. I know personally I have trouble with saying things the way I mean them and will often get responses like "why are you mad?" or "are you okay"? and I'm just like "but did you want toast or no?"

Everyone stay clam and try to do some yoga it's really good for relaxing

I highly recommend that

I was diagnosed with BPD. I have no relationship with my mother, my ex hates me because they don't understand. I can't control my behavior when my fears are triggered. I feel like I'm done, suicidal thoughts everyday. I self harm.

I want to get over this. Where do I begin?