It's hard. (BPD remission probs/extremely low self-esteem)

It's extremely hard for me to currently be proud of myself, I'm going through an awful mental state and I don't have enough mental and physical strength to get myself out of this. I stopped drinking meds, things are very awful and it's hard to be alive. I'm ashamed of every thought that's going through my head and every action that I do.

Even when I try something new, try to help myself, my head convinces me that it's not the right thing, that it won't get me out of my problem, that I'm very stupid for even trying that, that it's going to make me become a different person because I'm very prone to suggestions and everything I read, hear from other people becomes my new life attitude and the worst thing, and maybe at the same time the best one and the one that's saving me actually from all of this is that I'm aware of all those processes in my head. But the worst thing is that I can't stop them.

I was always self-confident. From my youngest age. I always believed that somehow, on any damn way there is, even the dumbest one, it is going to get better and I am going to get what I truly want. And by believing in something like that, it really happened.
I stopped believing. I stopped being self-confident about literally anything. I've never had such low self-esteem in my whole life, I've never been so insecure about everything, I've never been so suggestible, I've never been so confused. I never stopped believing in things like I now stopped. I don't know how it all came, but it's here and I'm learning every day to accept what's going on inside my head. I'm learning to say, "it's okay, that's only a product of your current mental state/problem that you have, that's not the real you and it will stop". But when will it stop ? Is there ever the end of this ? Why am I saying this ? Because simply, I lost all my hope that things are going to get better. My mental state is even trying to convince me that this is the way I should mentally be, and that's all the product of my lack of strength, I know it. For the past few months, I stopped being alive. I forgot how it feels to feel something else than this, so even when I feel a bit calm, when I'm not struggling (I'm always struggling, but when I forget about that at that moment), my mind's trying to convince me that I'm actually okay. But deep down, I know I'm not. I just forgot how it feels to be good, to believe, to be alive.

You're alive mentally, even if you have the worst mental illness possible, if you can think on your own, if you have a mental life outside of your illness, if you know who you are, what are your goals, what do you want from life. Even if you don't feel alive, that kind of mental organization will lead you to feeling better very soon, because people who are mentally organized like that will soon feel better, because they know what they want and they'll do everything possible just to get what they want. Because they know who they are. I completely lost myself. This is maybe a characteristic of one classic teen, but I am mentally ill and this all came from my mental illness, and my confusion is different than the confusion of the people who don't have any kind of mental disorder. I don't say that they don't suffer, actually they do and they do a lot, but it's just different. They have hope. They have strength. I don't. They don't accept everything that's said to them as their new life attitude. Even if they do, they may be not aware of that. And if it bothers you that much, you'll find a therapist. And most of the people who have that problem with confusion in their teen years don't have a therapist, I can't really explain why but maybe all that I'm trying to say it that everything that's a product of the mental illness and not the normal period of life is actually worse. I'm not trying to invalidate anyone's feelings, I'm just saying the truth.

I just want help. But I have no motivation, strength, concentration, I don't have enough of the identity to actually know what to do. If I knew what to do, I'd do it. And I'd succeed. And I'll tell this to my therapist and I'll just try my best to feel better. To feel like myself.

I don't let myself anymore to feel proud, to feel happy, to feel sad, to feel anxious, to feel anything. Anything at all. It seems like there's a hole or some kind of the wall inside my stomach that just doesn't let me cry, feel and similar. That hole/wall is killing me. If I actually felt something, it would be so much easier to cope with this. Because emotions also make you feel organized, because you know - I'm feeling this and this, and I'm going to solve it by this and this. AND even if you don't feel anything, aka you feel apathetic, you know - I'm apathetic and I'm going to solve it on this and this way. But when you have no idea what do you feel, but at the same time it's not classic apathy, then what to do ? What to do when you don't know any fucking inch of yourself, when you're so lost that your only purpose in this life is just to wake up, do nothing/trying to do something and fail every time because you're so damn insecure, struggle and know that you can't do anything about it, and then just go to sleep with total emptiness inside of you, lots of regret and repentance and knowing that you have to wake up the next day, but without strength to change anything and live the same life over and over again, with lots of bad feelings inside of you ? What to do ? What to even expect ? How to deal with this ?

I have no f**king idea. I just want help, but even when I get it, I start questioning it like this: "Is it right ? Is it wrong ? Am I doing it right ? What should I feel about this ? What if it makes me become the person I've heard this advice from ? What if this makes me stupid, what if I get it too literal and I fail again without never knowing what the real truth is, what to do about my problem and who to listen when I'm unable to listen to myself because I have no f**king idea who I am ?".

It's hard. It's incredibly hard to live like this every day. I just want someone to understand how much do I actually suffer. How much do I question myself for every single thing that goes through my mind, for every single thing I say, for every single thing I read or hear. I just want someone to notice and say: "Hey. You're definitely not okay. You need so much work with your therapist on yourself, BUT YOU WILL SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM". I need hope. But when I get it, I question that too, because there isn't a thing I'm not questioning.

H.E.L.P. ! Just, damn, I just want help.