I want to be emotionally unstable and impulsive and worse again.. but also don't..

I'm scared. But at same time I'm not. I want to get really bad again, I want to be like I was 4 or 5 years ago. With the regular self-harm and the triggering songs every day and night. With the random euphoria that, even if lasted for just minutes or an hour at max, was way better than not knowing "how I feel". With every impulsive behavior I had that probably weren't that impulsive - like buying cigarettes one day and two days later throwing them in the trash because "i don't smoke, this is crazy" only to three days later, do it again. And again. And again. I didn't smoke to look cool - I just got the idea and hey why not!!

I miss the "threats" I did to my friends, while lauging on "serious topics". I miss their looks about "you're scaring me".

But I don't have friends now. And I should be focusing on building my life up, not down. But I can't shake the feeling that "I'm not me now". That somehow, not feeling emotions intensely isn't me. That it's not normal to feel a bit sad and bit happy - I want to feel super down and euphoric.

I don't know but I kinda feel that if I lost control and went back to being "danger" my friends would return. But I know they won't. No one likes a girl who can't keep control, for friend. But also: i'm better, and that hasn't made me have any friends. I'd rather have a friend to argue with, than none at all. None is empty. I don't like empty. I don't like going downtown and not even needing to open my mouth to say anything. Besides when ordering a cup of coffee, that's the only time I actually talk.

I just..

I want to be that bad again, but don't. It's almost summer, I don't want to be hiding self-harm wounds, but - I feel emtpy without my scars, and they're almost completely faded. And also I don't to just randomly ask myself "why did I do that?" and then do it again.

I just want something, I guess. I lost my friends when I started "recoverying", they got tired of me when I got better. Maybe it's not a coincidence. Maybe people only like me if i'm emotionally unstable. But then - they also leave, no matter what.

I'm the problem. Not my mental health. Me.

Sorry about this umm long post. Probably has no sense to it but I just don't want to delete it, like I usually do - type type type, go off track and delete because "who cares".

I just want to know: anyone ever felt this way? Between: "i want to get worse" and "i want to be well"? even if I just don't know what "well" is.

Sorry if anything I wrote is triggering or wrong, i just.. i think I just had a semi-mood swing or something, I can't explain. In about 20 minutes I jumped from emotion to emotion and I'm scared. I don't get these in a long time, and certainly not THAT fast. like matter of seconds or minutes. Every 2-4 minutes something new and intense. I'm confused. Maybe isn't BPD. Maybe it's me forcing it on myself. Who knows.