Just diagnosed

I suppose this is a lot of people's experience and what motivates people to join and to post.

I diagnosed myself with BPD about two years ago but I have just received an official psychiatric evaluation and diagnosis. My diagnosis seems to have been blocked because I was only seen by health professionals when I was in state of distress and found it difficult to tell an organised story about my experiences and they kept saying I had PTSD. Also I didn't have a very obviously disrupted childhood - no neglect or abuse but certainly a lot of excessive emotions, lonelieness, mood swings and a sense of being emotionally different and at odds with other people.

I thought that I would be "ok" with the official diagnosis or even relieved, but I'm really not coping at all. I've been suicidal, hospitalised, drinking too much and my relationship ended because my partner said he felt more like a caretaker than a boyfriend.

I'm working so hard on not being angry and overwhelmed but I'm also struggling with the feeling that I have lost a decade of my life to extreme emotional disruption (I'm 35 and my symptoms really became unmanageable in my mid 20s). I have achieved things but have I really lived? I can't imagine ever liking anything about myself ever again. I feel like I am this accumulation of horrible coping strategies, capacities for violence, manipulation and abuse and .. what else?

Even if I learn to function better in the future the damage I have inflicted upon myself in those ten years can't be erased.