Lost (TW)

I’m not sure that I’m even at the right place. I feel like I may have BPD for the following reasons:

1. My childhood traumas have affected me more than I thought, some of the bad that happened I convinced myself was maybe a dream so that I don’t have to confront it. I was molested by an older step-brother following my parents divorce and I can’t really recollect the reaction of anyone around me when it happened, I went through years not remembering it happened until it was brought up and came crashing back into my thoughts. Subconsciously idk what it has done to me.
2. being from a broken home I did not see my father much as he was in jail. This I believe developed abandonment issues where today I trust only those I’ve known for a long time and have trouble making new friends.
3. my father attempted to commit suicide twice while I was in college, I found him afterward once in a car once in the hospital. I’m not sure how this has affected me as I suppose it made me feel this is my fate too. My father grew up without his father and now I have so that must be more likely than not my outcome as well.
4. I have never coped well with stress, it usually drives me to feeling depressed. I coped only by retreating into fantasy (games, movies), I used to drink more but now I just use cannabis when feeling down or to relax but I know it’s just a band-aid.

if you read this far thank you, I don’t know what to do and I have been looking for cheaper therapist but my obviously mistrust of new folks has made it hard to feel like I can open up to them like they are someone who actually cares about anything more than just the money.

_{[Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to add TW]}