Not your average Joe

I need to start off by saying I'm 33, and have dealt with this rollercoaster for most of my teen to adult life.

I grew up with dissociative emotions. Basically exploded every single friendship around me with my fragile emotional temper tantrums. I am not sure which of my many deficits were part of my disorder, or if they're all a huge culmination of a negative brew.

I never had a stable childhood, therefore never acquired the necessary skills to converse, live, socialise in a normal way. The lack of those skills i'm sure had something to do with my innate need to be wanted, or praised (as one member posted on this forum.) I have many good days, and I feel relatively normal a few days out of the week.

I've never really been able to maintain a personal relationship. I have one friend who is my friend more than likely because he dislikes me and wants to torture me into being his friend. (that was my joking way of saying we hate and love eachother). I sabotage every relationship for one reason or another.

At work I have moments where i'm irate, and I realize after a while how monstrous my emotions have become. I tend to not see it until the damage has been done, and then I go in even deeper out of spite. It gets pretty bad sometimes.

I try to make friends with people, and I think I try so hard that I push people away. I get hurt so easily emotionally. I don't know how to take any negativity, or criticism. I wish there was a magic spell to enlighten me. It's so lonely being in such a position of wanting so badly to have friends like everyone else at work has. I feel like i'm a dog in a cage watching other dogs run free. That's really where my sadness has been directed lately. Can anyone relate?