Relateable? Maybe? Hopefully?
Today was a classic Milo Messy Brain Day and I wanted to see if some of it sounded relateable. The internet's a huge place so, fingers crossed.
I woke up in the usual meh mood, relatively human, trying to chill in bed and get some writing done before work. I eventually did get ready for work then BANG! I was so f**king angry, I was slamming doors and throwing s**t and maybe kinda punched myself and some trees? I walk through some forest on my way to work and had a mini breakdown there (because I'm pathetic, yippee) and I was just... I don't know. In my head, I just kept having these two conflicting lines of thought:
1. "None of this is worth it, just do it now, k*** yourself, make it go away," and
2. "Dying is too good for you, you'd just be making a nuisance, that's selfish, this will all be irrelevant soon, anyway."
I feel like my subconscious is using these two conflicting messages against me (I hope that makes sense). And what I hate most is that it's true; it DOES all feel irrelevant now. In one day I went from relaxed to nearly f**king topping myself (trust me, I had the means) to actually having a really nice shift at work and even having my sister comment when I got home, "someone's having a good day!"
F**k, fam, I'm so confused. See and my whole thing before work doesn't even feel real now. How am I suppose to convince a psychiatrist that I'm suffering if I can't even really convince myself?! I feel like I've constructed this whole mess in my head just to ruin my life and discredit myself. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! Definately going to try and explain it to the doc this friday.
I feel like I've down played it all now and just sound whiney, now. Damnit.
Does any of this sound relateable, peeps, or am I just being angsty?
@MiloIsBoring I don't think you're being angsty. I have more of a quiet bpd type: I'm not prone to shifts into anger. I do tend to have mood swings and usually my extremes are either feeling everything all at once or being completely numb. I have the pervasive emptiness, that sometimes seems to not be there and then other times has me in a mental health emergency. Something that I've really been working on is validating myself. I've been in therapy for nearly a year, and the main focus of that year has been validation. If I can't trust my experience to be my truth, then I'm just adding onto my distress. I don't find it any help to tell myself "I shouldn't be feeling this way" or "I'm just making this all up" because I've honestly thought that. I thought that there was just something inherently wrong with me and that I was just making all of this up to torture myself. Luckily, I've made a lot of progress in recovery and these thoughts are more passing than core beliefs I hold. I think that a small step for you would be to validate your experience. It sounds like maybe you've had other people be invalidating towards you, which can lead to you internalizing that your perception of reality is off. By no means is that true! It can be hard to figure out what triggers your mood swings (certain events, people, and thoughts), but by listening carefully to yourself over time you can learn to figure out your triggers. Your mood swings don't make your illness any less valid, nor do they make your struggles any less valid.
