Relationship Patterns
One incredibly impactful struggle are my interpersonal relationships. Especially romantic. It was only recently that my Dr. helped shine light on some pattern behavior of mine. Even with this insight I'm still currently stuck in a situation, again, that I'm desperately trying to resolve. I know the situation is holding me back from my full potential in recovery and even worse I'm causing hurt to the people I love the most, again.
I've only been in long term relationships. They are completely seamless, moving from one to the next and the pattern goes like this:
Intense whirlwind beginning- temporary commitment and idealization-withdrawal from the relationship and devaluation-continued search for my true love.
This pattern leads me to hurt and hurt the people in love the most. Starting a new relationship while still in my current relationship. Leading double lives, feeling confused and angry with myself, acting out...this part goes on sometimes for years. Despite all my efforts to prevent them or be honest the same scenario repeats. Even if I am completely happy in my relationship, somewhere along the lines the lights go out and when they come back on I find myself in these ugly triangles, with only myself to blame. I feel destined to fail sometimes...im still stuck today and have searched endlessly to resolve this situation. I'm lost. Again.
Hello @DonnasDaughter I understand how we get into patterns in out relationships, and these patterns keep on repeating as you say. We get hurt and we hurt others and still the pattern repeats, and so many of us keep doing this.Its great to hear that a light has gone on for you and you have insight into this. How to change a repeating cycle.. where is the key to breaking the cycle? Wondering where in the pattern you could something different that would interrupt the pattern and lead to a different outcome. Sometimes we sabotage our relationships at a certain point... maybe we become uncomfortable with the closeness, or with commitment, or sameness, so we look for the excitement of a new relationship. Hoping you find the key that you need and here in support..
@rozie
Thank you so much. It has brought me a lot of comfort joining all of you here to share and help others where I can:) finding that key seems to be impossible right now...but gaining insight is an advantage my therapist says. Since now I am aware of it, I can start by doing things differently...but first I must get out of the current pickle...again:/
@DonnasDaughter
Agree insight is the beginning. Change is likely to take some time and .just trying a small difference at first. All the best!
@rozie
Thanks so much:)
It is tough to feel compelled to have serial monogamy, isn't it? Like someone isn't interesting or loving or good enough for you anymore, whether or not they have changed. I feel the same way, and one of the reasons I've been in a relationship for 7 years is that I feel lost without one and without her - even when I don't feel happy a lot of the time.
You can still find someone you want to stay with, and successfully stay with them. Just don't be hard on yourself (or on them if possible) if you don't want to stay, which is also just fine. :)
@cedarlake
Thanks so much for the encouragement! I desperately want a marriage and a family of my own, right now I am just frozen in this situation and shocked that I've done this before and again.
My recent long term has been 7 years too! The triangle started a little less than 2 years ago, 6 months after our engagement and out of nowheres. At this time, I've felt so guilty and angry with myself for so long that I think I have just disassociated and can't seem to get unstuck. Yet both guys know of my infidelity and are back wanting a full relationship:/ and I just stand here not knowing how I feel anymore and yet not being able to let them go. Selfish I know:/
You mention our self worth in relationships...thats a great point. I'm nothing without my partner(s) and then when I am with them my thoughts are, "See he doesn't love you anymore," maybe from something as small as an unanswered text or "If you love them you should leave them alone, you're ruining their life, let them be with someone they deserve. Stop being selfish," and these thoughts get triggered right when we are sharing a sweet moment or laughing together:/
@DonnasDaughter I understand. You and I have both been engaged about the same length of time actually, 2 1/2 years, and my deep dissatisfaction with my relationship came around the same time as yours. The main difference is that you pursued another person and I didn't, largely because I wasn't brave enough to face the consequences. No judgment on your behavior, I've been in that kind of situation and there is no easy solution.
I guess the best way of looking at it is remembering that you are worthy (not deserving) of a relationship, that you are attractive emotionally and physically, that you have a lot to offer as a partner, and that you are a good person who just has a lot of trouble regulating her behavior. It doesn't justify your actions (it doesn't justify mine either), but it gives you an anchor. :)
@cedarlake
Our similarities are spooky, but in a good way! I've been walking around my whole life in shame. Selecting friends and family have certainly lent a listening ear from time to time, but they don't truly know how it feels. Thank you...and yes, the consequences current and pending have hit my life and those I love more than ever...thisnwas a big one. Can't wait till it is in the past. Really brave of you to share, I know it's not our proudest moments and I am really thankful.
@DonnasDaughter the worst is loving two people, being devoted to both, without feeling that much devotion to yourself. I imagine it isn't the same as a polygamous/polyandrous relationship (haven't intentionally been in one) because you only want to be with one person, but that person is all of the good things of two people with none of the bad things.
And for me, it's all based around me feeling loved and supported (to the point of coddling) without an ounce of criticism. It's so difficult to remember that my partner isn't behaving like others have in my life, even when their language or actions resemble each other.
There's a novel or memoir in here somewhere :) free cookies to the first person that can humanize these aspects of borderline in a way the outside world understands!
@cedarlake
Think my notifications are a little whacky because I just received this one;)
Cedarlake- this is brilliant! "the worst is loving two people, being devoted to both, without feeling that much devotion to yourself," you've done it, this is what it is!
Close friends, family, my therapist, even the internet try to assist me through gaining clarity and making a decision, all saying the same thing, "You can't love them both, not equally. There must be one you love over the other. Here, make a pros and cons list." 😑...yeah...
To rebuttal their claims that i cannot possibly love two people. The love for them is not the same in detail, but the same in magnitude. I don't know how to love in "degrees" and I certainly could not compare two unique individuals on paper because the reasons why they are different are why I love them. My therapist advised that I only write logical items on my lists, do not include anything based on emotion...well that page is still blank.
I've made list after list, no clarity on who to choose...but on the millionth list...a little lightbulb in my brain started to flicker...there are 3 people involved and yet I am only evaluating these 2...what if I start a pros and cons list on myself??? Needless to say that list is still growing but at the very least has redirected my obsessive thinking to stop and look at me. I'm the common variable in these equations.
Yes! FREE COOKIES to translate to the nons!🤣
@DonnasDaughter hadn't thought of evaluating myself in terms of what I want from a relationship. That's a great idea :-) self-awareness has never been my strong suit (I actively avoid it), so maybe self-examination is the key.
@DonnasDaughter Bless you for sharing this. It sounds a bit like the decision to stay with you is up to the men in your life. There are planty of polygamous people in the world and just because it is often the male who has multiple wives maybe it's not wrong for a woman to need multiple partners to feel the love she needs. This is just an out there idea and I could be way wrong. The other thought that occured to me is have you talked openly to them about the situation, I mean really why you think it happens to you? I guess if they love you back then they will decide how best to support you. could backfire but if you love and trust them both it might work. Third thought is that you find a way to accept that no body is perfect and that most relationships go through periods where they don't seem worth it, for me that meant really looking at what I wanted the relatioinship to look like and then decide to move towards that. It's not easy and I am still making mistakes and learning but I am 15 years deep in this and that is an awful lot of investment to throw away on a breeze. 4th option is, maybe you just aren't ready to settle down yet. Some people never do.
Sorry for all the thoughts, they just fell out of me.
I am really interested in what you are saying. I can't relate exactly to it but I would like to know how your Dr linked this relationship cycle to BPD. If it's not too personal to share. I feel that I might see something of myself in your struggle evven though I have been married 10 year. I had that pattern earlier and have battled the feelings without understanding them.
@pinkOcean1599
Hearing that you've been married for 10 years and work to deny those behaviors and control them gives me so much hope. What feelings do you deny, how do you identify them and then control them?
Also I wanted to add, as I withdrawal from my relationship, I basically become asexual, no intimacy with my long term partner, leaving them feeling insecure, unwanted and worthless. But something shuts down in me. Like I have no sexual desire at all, not just for them, but it's not even a thought:/ and any pressure or thoughts of being intimate or touched during those phases makes me cringe and feel completely violated, bringing on more self hatred and resentment towards my long term partner:/
@DonnasDaughter So I kind of answered some of this above. I guess I could share an experience with you that is a bit painful. I had been with my wife (still girlfriend at the time) for a couple of years and I met someone at a concert. I kind of half knew her but not to talk to and we just started chatting and it felt nice and I could see that she was interested so I just sort of played along. Not really looking to have a relationship strat or anything, just enjoying the glow of her. She was warm and affetionate and gentle and I could feel something start to stir as the evening went on. I was with other people and as the time to leave drew near I was committed to leaving with the people I arrived with and that made it a bit easier to just say goodbye and not do anything or make any plans. We lived a long way apart and I had a busy life to go back to so it would have meant a major change of direction.
A few months later I happened to be in a bar when in she walks. Oh my god she looked fantastic. Immediately I could feel desire and as I saw her face light up when she saw me I knew that I was in dangerous territory. We chatted and she was sounding me out, allowing her body to touch mine, not overtly just getting a sense of space. I was definitley at a point where If i was weak I would have made an advancement. I just stayed very still and sort of watched myself from outside. I allowed myself to see this moment for what it was a temporary attraction. It could be amazing I thought, but it would definitley undermine the relationship that I had at home. I wouldn't act on it now, I would go home and see how I felt about her the next day. I was with another friend and we made a decision to leave as it was getting on a bit and this was my chance to move away without having done something stupid. She came to say goodbye and I kissed her very firmly on the lips. I didn't intend to, it just happened. It wasn't a raunchy kiss, it was a "I like you but no" kiss and that sounds really stupid writing it down but I was definitley not allowing myself to enjoy it but I wanted to show her that I thought she was great but no. I probablysent really mixed message. She looked a bit surprised and sad and I left. The next day I didn't even think about her. In fact I didn't for a while. I felt I had made a good decision and that strengthedned my resolve to be with my girlfriend. A few months later I saw her again in the same bar by chance and this time I think she stayed a bit more standoff. She still said hello and we were polite but that initial fire had gone down and as we talked I realised that I didn't have anything in common with her. We wouldn't really be good friends. It was purely a physical attraction and once that passed i would have been looking for the next buzz.
I'm glad I had this experience though becasue I have met a lot of very attractive ladies and now I try to talk to them for long enough that I can see them as a person and not as an object of my desire. It is not always easy, though I think it perhaps gets easier with age. Definitley learning to see people warts and all helps me. Find something unpleasant about them, remember that they still have bad days, wake up ill, have baggage, won't be perfect. That kind of brings me back to earth and I remember the lasting commitment I have and the good things that I have built in my marriage. Also I find that as i mix with other married couples my inclination to feel attracted to other mens wives is not acceptable. I am pretty sure that I have damaged a few friendships by getting too friendly (not even in that way) and some people get very defencive. I think this is as much about their relatioinship insecurities as mine which is another layer of complexity to relationships I struggle with but there it is.
Hey, I'm amazed that anyone can follow what I am saying let alone a teenager, I would not have had a clue at your age. Take care DD.
@pinkOcean1599
I seriously have found myself on these exact encounters. I don't generally act on them, most times I don't even speak to the person, but obviously I've let a few encounters consume me bringing me to where I am now...i perpetuate the heck out of the situation, convinced it must be my soul mate.
I like what you did here by taking control of yourself and the situation. Honestly, whenever a situation has started, there was often alcohol involved. I don't go out anymore, or drink, I am kinda just keeping my distance at the moment from all the other humans...i never know how they will impact me or how I'll be between my mood swings and honestly I am just trying to focus on getting to know me for the first time...im 31...im a little late but better late than never;)
Thanks for sharing, I am definitely going to try to follow your thoughts you applied in your experience. I think it'll really help with my impulsive behavior and also the black and white thinking...seeing their "warts and all" in the initial moment will likely buy me enough time to regain control of my actions before starting something I know I will regret...
@DonnasDaughter So funny really listening to you talk about this it totally validates the way I feel. By the way, 38 and just starting out on getting some help here. Kind of just got by on my instincts up tp now, not always successfully. I'm starting to see how some of my coping strategies have actually created other issues as a result which is fascinating and tiring at the same time. OK what's next to deal with, lol. Interstingly society seems to value a male that can charm the socks off women and not have a concious about it in the morning. The reality is that short term relationships don't grow roots. It takes time and hard work and that is what LOVE is. The rest is just the easy stuff that you get with love anyway. So I say, don't chase love, chase somebody who you love with. Ooh get me sounding deep. That just popped out.
Alcohol inhibits your control mechanisms which is great if you are up tight and want to let of steam but absolutley the worst possible thing when you are desperately trying to keep yourself together. I have a mixed relationship with alocohol to and definitely have reduced the amount and frequency I drink. I also tend to consider where I am in my head and where and who I will be drinking with as this has a massive impact on my mental health the next day and for days afterwards sometimes, probably due to the business of my life as much as the actual effects of the alcohol.
I am so happy to be having this conversation with you. It feels great to talk about this stuff.
@pinkOcean1599
Sure, I have a very lose understanding of it myself at this tim but...In working with my doctor towards a better understanding of BPD, she has helped to connect behaviors and thoughts that are often Hallmarks of the disorder. Because theses behaviors are so disruptive and cause me to distinction in normal life experiences.
She helped compare my current situation to previous relationships, she started to highlight the similarities in my grand actions, my thoughts, the circumstances, the timelines, and showed me how all of those connect to the push/pull relationship behaviors, the "I hate you, don't leave me!" actions that all connect back to intense fear of abandonement and intimacy.
This also is complimented by unrealistic views and demands I develop on my partners. Convinced from the beginning that they are a perfect love, there is no bad in them at all, they can do no wrong. Very black and white thinking, that's where we see BPD symptoms again and they continue here. Idealization, intense romantic whirlwind beginnings with my partner, hypersexual activity. My partners are destined to fail as they are human. Once I feel slighted or even smothered I start to devalue them, withdrawal and am on the search again. I dont actively look for anyone but when someone new validates me or maybe I'm vulnerable I begin the process with them. I am not aware I am doing this though. So I don't know how to interupt it:/
@DonnasDaughter Thank you. You are so articulate in explaining your situation. I feel that I can definitley relate to what you have experienced. I to had a series of monogamous relationships but each time the shine went off I just held on until something new and glittery came along and then cut all ties and moved on. I have done that with jobs and friends and everything in my life. I usually get about six months and then I have to start working harder to stay involved and then at the 2 year mark it's make or break. Often it has been break. With my wife, she faught for me and I was so turned by the fact that she didn't want to give up on me that it made me commit a bit deeper. Then we went through some rough times and I chose to stay with her, then we had kids and that is a whole different level of commitment. I have definiltely looked at other people as potential mates, and other lifestyles as seeming more interesting and glamourous I guess but I keep returning to my mantra which is that the grass is not always greener when you get to the other side. In a way it has made it hard for me to make new friendships because I judge people quite harshly and hold them at arms length. This is in a way to keep myself from stumbling into those romantic thoughts about them and in another way to stop them from having a control over my emotions becuase I love it when someone beautiful and intersting and kind shows me attention. I just want to lap it up. But I know that it is a temporary love, short term. I have made a commitment now and tough as it is that is where my life is. My choice.
Having said that, when I was young and I didn't have kids and I wasn't ready to settle down, I wanted to try different people and places out only the serial monogamy thing kind of made me want to settle with someone. When someone left me first it hurt like hell and so I think on some level I was looking to avoid that pain by leaving them when I was feeling less committed and that was not really a refelection of how they felt at all. All relationships go through flat patches. In my marriage we have had long spells of not having that romantic edge that we both crave but we kind of work through stuff and get back to it and honestly having struggled and overcome things when it comes back it is better than before, maybe becuase it feels more REAL. It's easy to fall in love but hard to build a loving relationship.
Don't ask me about how you know if the person is the one to commit to, I think that is down to a bit of luck and keeping your eyes open and being honest. All I can say is that from the moment we met I began to see things in my wife that I liked, that were unusual. Qualities that I thought I needed in my life. We talked about our hopes for the future and I felt a real affinity with those hopes. They seemed bigger than both of us and I wanted to help her achieve them. Lifetime stuff. That might not make much sense and I didn't really KNOW that I was committed for the long haul for at least a couple of years. It takes that long to know a person and build up the experiences with them. Previous relationships had drifted apart after 6 months or a couple of years and as much as I look back and wonder what if, I think that I was just not ready for commitment like this at that time. I don't even think that is part of BPD or anything else, just working out who I was and what I wanted. I was 23 when I met her and 28 when we married. Hey look, i just shared a whole lot of stuff here that I'm not sure how helpful it will be but there it is. Have a good one.
@pinkOcean1599
This is incredibly helpful and hopeful to me! Thank you so much for taking the time. In the past after finally escaping my messy situations I swore to the heavens and myself that never ever will I let this happen again...and boom...here we are again...but on the positive side, I am doing more than I ever have to stop and look at where I am and how I got here but even more importantly where do I want to go and who do I want by my side....the verdict is still out. Often I struggle to separate how i truly feel as opposed to feeling or responding what I believe my partner needs. Im drawn to people that seem to have given up or people that others have given up on. It's not to "fix" them, but something in me feels their heart hurting, and in turn I seem to give them my perfectly good heart in exchange for their damaged one...at first I feel purpose and needed but by the end I'm drained, hurt or numb. So far that's all I've been able to detect about myself.
The way you speak of your wife, your commitment and "your choice," really inspires me. That decisiveness and clarity that comes across is so empowering. THAT is what I need to embody. Thank you again!
@DonnasDaughter You are welcome. I have a friend who sounds very similar to you. He is drawn to broken people. Gives them all the love and support they need to move forward and then they leave him. It's been going on for over 20 years. He refuses to accept any mental health help though. He hasn't really engaged with the issues at the centre of his relationship issues instead he has created a view of the world as just being that is the way it is. I think the way you are talking about your thoughts and feelings is so good. I wish I could just give you peace and happiness, but I cannot. It doesn't work that way. I can only hope that what I say helps you to help yourself. Maybe that is a view you could take of your partners. Having a life partner is all about helping each other. I guess the simplest way to think about it is that the help should go both ways. Maybe not all the time and maybe not exactly equal, but overall, in general you both want to go in the same direction and want to help each other get there.
@pinkOcean1599
I hope your friend can get rid of that way of thinking sooner than later...so unnecessarily painful. And your post brings to mind another opportunity for me to work on the practice of balance in my life:) give and take not all or nothing:)