Scared

Im scared.

Im scared because, even as I say Im fine, I know in my heart that Im not okay.

The past couple of weeks, Ive been sad, numb, disconnected. I still try to smile and laugh like me, but I am not myself. There are times when I suddenly feel so many negative emotions welling up inside me, and I dont know what to do. I feel the need to hurt myself, to break something, to scream and rage and cry, and I have to use all of my willpower to keep this contained. I have to resist the urge to find a way to draw blood, and sometimes I slip a little and start to search for something sharp. I stuff my face with as much food as I can grab from the fridge without looking suspicious, which isnt much, and doesnt ever feel like enough even if I end up devouring three sandwiches in a row and a clementine and maybe some chips or crackers, too.

Even though I sleep at night, I still feel tired every day, and I constantly feel disconnected from the world around me, like Im not really a part of it. By the end of the day, my lids are heavy and my thoughts are slow and I am numb, and sometimes I sit on the edge of crying, feet dangling loosely.

Im not having panic attacks anymore, but I know my anxiety is still there. It attacks during lunch, overtakes me so that the chaos of the STAND room sends my brain into a confused whirl, sends my body into a panicked fight-or-flight response that leaves me either huddling under a desk or snapping at someone whos participating in the chaos.

I can feel myself gradually growing more distant from the people around me, from the world around me. I try to participate, but it just drives me away and leaves me curled up in the isolation corner.

Im scared of the future, and Ive lost the past, and I dont even know if Im still in reality.

The pure and honest truth is that I am not okay. I lie to myself and others because they just contradict me anyway when I say that I am not okay. My mother insists that theres nothing wrong with me, its all just in my fucking head, and as a result I cant get the help that I know I need.

Maybe this is just hormones. Maybe its just normal.

But I can feel it in my heart: its not normal.

And I have no way to get help.

I cant meet with my doctor to go through official testing because his office is booked for at least four months.

My mother refuses to think that there might be anything wrong with me besides delusions of insanity.

My dad tries to help, but cant do much without my mom on my side.

And my best friend and my boyfriend and everyone else...they can support me, remind me that Im not alone, hug me and hold me and comfort me...

And thats good. Thats very good. That makes me happy, to know that I am not alone.

But I need answers, I need help, real help.

And I just dont know where to get it.

And heres something else thats scary: after all the research Ive done...Ive found that, completely ignoring the online tests that I took, I might actually have BPD. The red lines are the symptoms that I have. At least five of these symptoms are necessary to consider a borderline personality disorder diagnosis.

I have eight.

Fear of abandonment

Unstable or changing relationships

Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self

Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

Suicidal behavior or self-injury

Varied or random mood swings; periods of intense depressed mood, irritability or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days.

Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness

Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights

Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality; dissociative feelings—disconnecting from your thoughts or sense of identity,out of body type of feelings

Chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness; feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated, bored, empty, and have little idea who they are

Im not diagnosing myself. What I am doing is outlining BPD as a possiblity.

An explanation.

And, unlike panic disorder, this probably will not go away just because Ive acknowledged it. Its possible that it will get worse.

But if I do have BPD, I dont know how I can get a proper diagnosis and treatment before it does get worse.

But Ill figure something out.

I have to.

Because I cant keep saying that Im okay when I know that Im not.