To B or not to B(orderline) and a tale of self-diagnosing
I have diagnosed myself almost five years ago after a failed attempt at therapy. I am 24 now, soon-to-be doctor, and I am writing this fueled by anger caused by some recent events.
I have always had a melancholic nature and even though everybody went through their 'sad' phases through high school, it started to feel like there was something more. Teachers who got to know me and spent more time with me have asked questions regarding my wellbeing. So, I started reading - articles, scientific papers, books - and I was pretty sure I was depressed, and not just going through the normal things that come with the teenage years.
Fast-forward to the first year of med school, things had gotten worse, I ended up in therapy, but that only lasted for a couple of sessions since my parents cut me off since 'my problems were only in my head'. Raging, I started looking for answers again. I like to think that everything happens for a reason and I need that reason for things to make sense, and it felt like more than depression. I took a proper psychiatry book I found in the library and started reading. When I found BPD, things clicked in my head. That was it. That was the reason. Things made sense. It was so terribly obvious.
Years went on, more downs than ups, and I had encountered a therapist at a conference. He struck me as an incredibly knowledgeable and experienced professional, I admired the way he talked and I felt that we might be on similar wavelengths, so I built up the courage to contact him and give therapy another try.
During all these years, the fact that I have diagnosed myself had been haunting me and I knew I somehow needed the validation of a professional since I was not yet a doctor. This person that I ended up admiring a lot after a talk at a conference, someone I have given all my hopes and my last drops of energy to, told me that he strongly believes that I do NOT most likely suffer from BPD, but that I'm just rather hysteric.
The past almost five years of my life have been invalidated after a therapy session and made me feel like an impostor. I did not agree with him and I have since stopped seeing him, but I need to take into consideration some factors. He is a terribly experienced clinical therapist, but he belongs to the old school, and anyone who has read about BPD knows about its history and how it's been perceived throughout the past half of a century. He dismissed my diagnosis based on the fact that I do not physically self-harm, more specifically because my wrists are not covered by scars, self-harm being one of the nine criteria of BPD, while someone only needs to meet five of them, and I actually meet the remaining eight. The self-harming criterion includes suicidal ideation, so I partially meet that one as well, but I never got to argue about that because my whole existence had been dismissed by his experience.
I have been meaning to write here for quite some time now, but I ended up thinking it would be a silly thing. What triggered me to finally do it? Anger, frustration and despair caused by recent events in my life. I know this is not the place to get a diagnosis or any treatment, and I know the limitations of this website. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has had trouble with their diagnosis as well. During my days as a listener, I have encountered some who self-diagnosed as well, and some have even mentioned having trouble talking about and explaining their issues to the mental health professionals that they were seeing because of this heightened self-awareness, which after just a bit of research, actually turned out to be some kind of a trend or trait in the BPD world. This heightened self-awareness made them seem lucid, aware of their issues and capable of handling them, so professionals underestimated the seriousness of their situation.
I am going through a difficult time and I cannot 'see' into the future, which makes me think that my subconscious thinks I am not going have one and that I'll take the 'classic BPD way out' eventually, and my periods of crisis have gotten harder and harder to pull myself out of. I do not have a support system, nor anyone to talk to, nor the will to reach out to professional help again (at least not until I find someone more open-minded and who belongs to a different school of psychology or psychiatry).
@hypnoticpoison
As I read this, I kept thinking... sounds just like me. I'm also undiagnosed (I'm working on getting diagnosed) and fairly certain I have BPD. When I say that, I mean hours upon hours of research, doubting, and many notes. The "seeing" into the future thing... I really get that. I also don't have a support system or anyone to talk to, so I've been kind of terrible as well. Feel free to message me if you'd like! Also, on the diagnosing thing... yeah. I hate it. the stigma and stereotype against BPD makes it hard to get diagnosed from what I've heard. I have yet to even make an appointment for multiple reasons, but one is the fear of being denied. Anyways, yeah. You're not alone. I really like your title by the way!
@hypnoticpoison
I never fully heard an explanation of BPD until a few days ago on a podcast I was half listening to but it resonated enough to look into it and it's been an emotional expierence just reading the expierences, symptoms and nuances. I've felt so unique for so long in the way act and how I perceive the world that it probablly didn't make to anyone else. Everything that I knew was just me from how i think in "webs" during conversations, being able to see problems and solutions but struggle with implementation, my inclination to be neurotic, unintentional self destructive behavior - to where I find myself somehow jumping from chaotic situation to chaotic and always being prepared for the show to drop in quiet times. I have this crippling fear of failure so I quit before I fail. My relationships are zero-100-back to zero... I don't know who I am as I've always been what I thought you thought was good. I easily place myself as the victim in most arguments and will be the first one to run away so it's then not you leaving me. I can't trust cause everyone will leave you eventually. The self awareness of my emotional outbursts to where moments later it doesn't make sense I acted that way and I'm stricken with guilt. I lean towards guarantees to the point I think in my daily life as a series of percentages as what's likely to happen.
i guess I'm so new to finding out that there might be something more than it just being who I am, I don't like who I am sometimes and it's now to the point where I jokingly warn people. That I know what people are going to say next or are thinking, the problem is it's exhausting... im starting to find small moments where I question reality, that I might actually be the only person that's real, or that every person must feel obligated to speak to or even or love me.
I'm working to push to get diagnosed BPD or I hear C-PTSD but it just doesn't connect. I read bipolar and depression and they list these base traits that seem so foreign but when I read BPD I'm reading my story and it's emotional for me. I'm 33 and I have no idea who I am, what motivates me or what my values are, I'm starting to lose some of the safety nets around me and reaching into new relationships, again just like BPD would where the last 3 women I met lead went from first time we hooked up we didn't spend a night not together for months and then when it hit that first wall it's the last time I ever talk to them and they never existed. I feel this issue has gone on so long it probably contributed to my substance abuse which was the only was to escape was to numb. My mother took her own life 4 years ago and though I've never self harm I don't know if the times I have at least expressed it to others as being one of those 3 choices I have in difficult situations is normal. I don't feel like what I do as whole is normal, I like to think I'm a realistic right like "call a spade a spade" kinda guy but I'm also feeling like just pretending to be human cause that's what you might want.
I want this to be the answer too, now I know and I can start somewhere deeper, right now basing it off my substance use feel like turning off the faucet for a busted pipe when toon should be turning it off the house. I've got an assessment in 2 weeks, sadly I brought the idea up to one close person and it was treated like I was making an excuse and my old maybe 6 session therapist thought it was unlikely and mentioned it's more of a woman's disease...