Unstable

All morning, I've been shaking, with anxiety and depression taking turns attacking my brain. I feel like a walking panic attack.

I think the trigger is that I'm worried about my boyfriend. His own emotions have been chaotic lately, and he had a rough weekend.

Now, as I type this while sitting in Bio2, he's sitting in his counselor's office, telling her why he's been having a bad morning, explaining why he decided to make cuts on his arm with a knife last week ("I was being stupid and curious, I just wanted to see how sharp it was, I wasn't trying to hurt myself, I promise", and hating it when the adults say that "It's all just hormones."

I hate it when they say that, too.

For both of us, it's more than just hormones.

It's a slight brain malfunction.

His doesn't have a name, not yet, but mine is called BPD.

And I would do almost anything to fix it.

I hate it. I hate living like an open wound, I hate my impulses, I hate the Panic Disorder that came from the BPD, I hate how just the tiniest little thing could leave the rest of my previously good day in pieces.

Sometimes I wish my BPD was something I could remove, like a misplaced puzzle piece. Like I can take it out of its ill-fitted spot and turn around to fit the right way.

I wish I could do that. I wish it was that easy to fix the little piece of my brain that's broken.

I don't want to be unstable! I want to live a life that isn't ruled by unstable emotions!

But it can't be removed. I'm stuck with it.

So I guess I better figure it out.